Feb. 19--Q: Someone wants you to guess their weight or age. You have no idea, only that you don't want to offend them. But is declining to answer itself an insult?
"It's always easier to avoid difficult questions by redirecting the conversation. That might get an interesting discussion going, and it can avoid hurt feelings.
"In the case of age or weight, you could respond by saying something like, 'It doesn't matter what your age or weight are, you're beautiful inside and out.' If the person persisted with their question, that could be an opportunity to discuss our society's bias against age and weight. And decline to answer specifically because of that. 'I wouldn't want to guess because we're so messed up about all that in today's world. Let's just enjoy the moment and not get caught up in that stuff!'
"That way, you've made a point that is hard to argue with and hopefully made the person feel good too, with the compliment."
-- Marsha Hudnall, dietitian, nutritionist and president of weight-management program Green Mountain at Fox Run
"Don't you just hate being put on the spot? I actually feel it's completely rude of the inquisitor to foist such angst upon me! You may try to decline answering, but most people who deign to ask you such a query will not allow you to do so. Just play along.
"I try to follow a basic formula upon such occasion. Generally, when someone asks that question, they are indeed older and are seeking to stun you with the actuals for their own self-gratification. 'See that? You thought I was 48, yet I'm actually 60!' Essentially, 'Don't I look great?' It has been my practice that if someone is in search of such a compliment, then I will happily oblige.
"My formula is as such: If said person actually appears to be 60, automatically subtract 12 years (because 10 is too obvious), add a genuine question to your tone of voice, then multiply your surprise with their response. Of course you need to follow up with the obligatory 'Wow! You look great!'
"If you decline to answer, then you must simply make a joke about yourself, because you do not want to appear rude. Something along the lines of, 'I'm sorry I cannot answer that -- this is the exact way I lost my job at the carnival, and it brings back too many bad memories.' After all, laughter is the best medicine."
-- Roxanne Peplow, director of student services at Computer Systems Institute
Social Graces is a weekly series asking two experts for advice on awkward situations.
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