Internet consultant Martin Belam set himself a tough task by asking: what is the Daily Express actually for? He writes: "There are some papers whose purpose is clear. The Guardian is there as a recruiting tool for the BBC. The Daily Mail is there to channel the seething disapproval of the English middle classes. And the Sunday Sport is there so short people and poor people can get their grubby paws on lots of pictures of ladies' boobies without having to try and make a purchase from the top shelf in a newsagents."
But the raison d'être of the Express defeated him. So he carried out an empirical study of the content on the paper's front pages over the first three months of this year and arrived at a "definitive list" of the 10 most important matters according to the Express editor Peter Hill (and, arguably, its owner, Richard Desmond).
Surprisingly, Princess Diana came in at No 5. Here are the rest: 1. quack health stories; 2. the weather; 3. house prices (plus interest rates); 4. taxes; 6. crime; 7. divorce; 8. celebrity big brother; 9. the NHS (negative stories only); and 10. the royal family wives and girlfriends (not including Diana). Belam's list also includes some witty commentary and illustrations of relevant front pages.
On the basis of his analysis, he concludes: "I think I have figured out what the Express is for. It is designed to render a portion of the population completely helpless - cowering in the corner of their ever-more valuable house, stuffing their faces with a life-saving cocktail of chocolate, watercress, and aspirin, and hoarding their money so that Gordon Brown can't steal it before they die. Which is almost certainly going to be caused by either freak weather conditions or the NHS attempting to treat them."
It is an excellent piece of work. Read it all and see if you agree.
