Due to the success of Strictly Come Dancing and the BBC’s desperate search for a replacement for The Great British Bake Off, we propose that it commission a series called Strictly Morris Dancing to be shown next year. Contestants will be put through their paces and laughed at in town squares all over the West Country, by folk. They’ll have to construct their own ridiculous costumes, learn routines and make up songs about milkmaids they met while a-walkin’ one day. The loser is burned in a wicker man each week or – worse still – has to undergo a year’s worth of dance lessons from Ed Balls.
Lord Toby Jug
Leader, The Eccentric Party of Great Britain
• Re Birdwatch (19 September). I can see 10 drunken wood pigeons feasting on the fermenting berries in the whitebeam tree at the end of my garden. They come every day at this point in the season and flap about unsteadily until bedtime. I wouldn’t mind except that their navigation skills become compromised and we have had one broken window and several collisions.
Tim Grollman
London
• A sycamore nominated for tree of the year (20 September)? Can this be the same species reviled by homeowners and local authorities as a weed, and by landscape architects as non-native? Thank you, Woodland Trust. The rehabilitation of this magnificent tree is long overdue.
Richard Giles
Tynemouth
• Re Francis Gilyead’s letter (19 September) requesting hand gestures to stop drivers using mobile phones: I suggest drawing alongside and pointing finger to your nearest earhole. Then applying same finger to lips in “shhh” mode. Finally blow a kiss to show geniality. It’s worked for me in many countries.
David Kirke
Oxford
• I encounter many drivers using mobile phones on the M2 and find that, though impolite, the proverbial Nescafé handshake is universal and quite effective.
Bill Hawkes
Canterbury, Kent
• Join the debate – email guardian.letters@theguardian.com
