Name: Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott.
Age: 46.
Appearance: New arch-enemy of the Nazis.
Really? Has she foiled another scheme to steal the Ark of the Covenant? No, she’s still basically just a rapper.
A rapper who hasn’t been famous for 15 years. That’s unfair. Elliott’s fame might have peaked with Get Ur Freak On in 2001, but don’t forget that she also appeared in the 2015 Super Bowl halftime show. They don’t let you do that unless you’re really famous.
I remain unconvinced. Fine. They’re making a statue of her. Happy now?
Are they? Well, they might. There’s a petition to build one in Portsmouth, Virginia. It’s only 3,000 signatures away from reaching its target, too.
How does this make her arch-enemy of the Nazis? It’s because the proposed statue would replace the town’s existing Confederate monument: a 35ft granite obelisk built 140 years ago to honour the roughly 600 Portsmouth and Norfolk county men who gave their lives to the Confederacy. The pillar is surrounded by four statues of Confederate soldiers holding guns.
Yeesh. Yes. And, since the planned removal of a statue of General Robert E Lee is what prompted the horrific Unite the Right protests and counterprotests in Charlottesville, Virginia, it is clear the Elliott petition is an overtly political act.
But why Elliott? Portsmouth is her home town. But, also, in the words of petition organiser Nathan Coflin: “Together we can put white supremacy down, flip it and reverse it. Ycamerpus Etihw!”
Is that last bit Latin? No, it’s “white supremacy” backwards. Do keep up.
But what about the argument that Confederate monuments are the best way to memorialise a dark time in American history? Well, what about the argument that a 35ft granite statue of Elliott dancing around in that inflatable suit she wore in the video for The Rain would be really cool?
I can’t help but feel that this is going to really annoy Donald Trump. Probably. But do you know what would annoy him even more? A 35ft granite statue of Rosie O’Donnell.
To change.org! I’ll see you there.
Do say: “Get Ur Freak On.”
Don’t say: “Respect Ur Historical Confederate Figures.”
