Name: Summer.
Age: Its lease, famously, hath all too short a date.
Appearance: Warm, sunny, brief – blink and you’ll miss it.
When? Too late.
Wait – what just happened? Since 2016 is a leap year, summer was meant to officially commence on 20 June, but as you can see from your nearest window, it was over before it started.
Are there any implications of summer’s early demise? There are picnics and garden parties to be cancelled. Wimbledon and Glastonbury are facing the possibility of washouts, although it’s less problematic for the former since they put that roof over Centre Court.
Why don’t they put a roof over Glastonbury? Because it wouldn’t be Glastonbury if your tent wasn’t swept away in a tide of toxic mud.
Whatever became of those glorious early summers of days gone by? They never were. At this time of year, our weather is subject to something known as the European monsoon.
You mean this is an actual monsoon, like in India? No. It’s just a fanciful name given to a fairly common shift of winds, “the return of the westerlies”, which often leads to increased precipitation.
What about flaming June? Flaming June is a painting title, not a recognised climatic phenomenon. Average UK rainfall in June is 62mm, higher than in March or April.
But isn’t this already, like, the worst June ever? In the first fortnight, there was 36mm of rain on average across England, but the south-east only got 17mm. So it depends where you are.
I’m standing up to my waist in my flooded basement. Bad luck. Try to bear in mind that, so far, it’s not a patch on June 2012, when England and Wales had 157mm of rainfall and Scotland 164mm.
Remind me again why I live here. Because you’re timid and can’t be bothered to learn a foreign language.
Oh yeah. I also really love complaining. This is your month, my friend.
Exactly: long walks on rainy beaches, bracing swims in ice-cold lidos, dining alfresco while cafe tables blow away. When was the last time you went outside?
Last Thursday. I was out of teabags. Don’t worry – autumn’s almost here.
Do say: “I might put the heating on. Just for an hour.”
Don’t say: “You know what? I think it might brighten up later.”
