There is nothing certain about 2016 except the fact, carved in stone, that you believe you will never, ever click on a targeted ad. They float in the blind spots of our web scrolls, drawn in MS Paint, drawn in Comic Sans. They are ghosts of regrettable clicks – cookies remaining long after the yearning for an orthopaedic pillow has gone. They offer us solutions we never wanted for problems we’ve never had. And yet they live on, the scorpions of the internet, they live on even as the sites they populate evolve and disappear. They simply follow us into our new home, another website, another warm darkness in which they can sleep, and feed, and live forever.
But someone must be clicking. Somebody, some kind man in a flat in Caerphilly, some gentle martyr, must be clicking. Must have taken voluntary redundancy and bought eight thimbles in order to keep the internet free for the rest of us. Must be sitting with the curtains closed, 15 laptops open, clicking and clicking, and only occasionally believing it will help him get a flat stomach in only five minutes.
But what if. What if this was the year we clicked? What would it take for our mouses to hover left? Targeted ad writers, do take note.
One weird secret that will save Syria!
Trouble making zero carbon emissions? Watch this quick video to learn how
Sponsor the cutest baby refugee EVER! Born at sea!
Tip for a tiny plastic doll belly
Slide into her DMs like diabetes in your 40s
Learn how to make her love your mind… and your content
Make millions at home from selling Tesco bags for 9p
Women old enough to be your mother pretending to be girls young enough to be your daughter, in your area now
12 celebrities you didn’t realise weren’t the same person Mum
How to gentrify your vagina in one hour
One simple trick that will make you look like you care about Europe
Britain’s anxiety about what Trump’s popularity says about us, in 6 flirty gifs
How to get people to rebrand you as plus-sized in just one day
Leave Twitter and London and meat... with just one click
A facelift for your feminism. Update your idols for 2016... now
The best buy-to-let boyfriend deals on the internet
The 8 best spots to watch ice caps melting, in pics
This list of the 20 lowest-paid female FTSE CEOs may shock you
Top 12 links to share right now without reading to the end
5 thoughts to think right now!
Avoid the NHS waiting list by carrying around this heavy bottle of tap water
The lying woman’s secret tip to having it all
Perform this secret hand gesture from your car to make every woman think you’re very well hung
How to be the Bake Off character you were born to be
Watch how you could transform your stairwell into a chic rental opportunity in just 30 seconds
This creepy barn could be the wedding venue you settle on
First-time buyers click here! What you see next will shock and scare you
This trading algorithm will delight and confuse you out of thousands of pounds
4 simple tricks to help your dad talk about trans people like human beings
This is what one cigarette does to your body after helping you look cool in front of Gemma
Aw! These millennials say the cutest things…
Email Eva at e.wiseman@observer.co.uk or follow her on Twitter @EvaWiseman
