There are certain unspoken rules we have to adhere to when we're socializing with other people. Say "Hello" and "Goodbye." Don't curse. Give up your seat for the elderly on public transport. These things are part of having good manners. However, the role that manners play in our world seems to be diminishing.
A 2023 report by King's College London reveals that children having good manners is not a top priority for parents. Only 52% of respondents said that obedience and good manners are very important qualities for kids. That's in stark contrast to 1990 when 76% of adults in the U.S. said that it's a characteristic of good children.
Sometimes etiquette rules just don't make sense, so why adhere to them? This netizen had a similar idea when they decided to ask: "What's a common social etiquette rule you just don’t agree with?" The thread started some heated discussions over whether we really should respect our elders and whether it's okay to tell someone they have food bits in their mouth.
Bored Panda spoke about etiquette with the Golden Rules Gal Lisa Mirza Grotts, an etiquette expert with 23 years of experience. She told us more about how etiquette rules have evolved throughout the years, how to respond to people who claim that one or another etiquette rule doesn't make sense, and what new etiquette rule she would enact herself. Read her expert insights below!
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Certified etiquette expert and author of A Traveler's Passport to Etiquette Lisa Mirza Grotts tells Bored Panda that the most recent event that influenced the way we view good manners is the COVID-19 pandemic. "The pandemic of 2020 rocked our world," she says.
"Traditional rules as we once knew them flew out the window: a handshake became a weapon and 'don't stand so close to me' was more than just lyrics in a song. The rules of etiquette are ever evolving [because of] societal changes. Further, the World Wide Web played a big role in the new rules of communication."
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The etiquette expert agrees that not all social etiquette rules need to be here forever. But the foundational ones still (and should for a long time) remain the same. "Many rules evolve and change, but traditional rules are here to stay."
"Social niceties such as saying 'Please,' 'May I,' and 'Thank you'. The correct way [to] set a table, sending thank you notes, etc. Some rules that could [be] updated depending on the audience: workplace etiquette with our reverse commute and styles of dress appear to be less strict."
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This Reddit thread was full of people displeased with one or another etiquette rule. We asked Lisa Mirza Grotts how one should respond when someone calls them out on an outdated social rule. "In life, 'agree to disagree' is a learned skill."
"When you take into account politics and religion, which at the current moment are on steroids, it's no wonder that people are scared to speak up and put a fresh coat of paint on their opinions," the etiquette expert notes. "There's nothing wrong with having an opinion even when it's different than someone else's. The difference is your response."
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Instead of arguing, which probably won't do any good anyway, Lisa Mirza Grotts recommends this response: "I feel that etiquette is about mutual respect and making sure everyone feels comfortable no matter the social setting." It also echoes her business tagline: “You can have everything in the world, but what matters most is your behavior and how you treat other people."
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We also asked the Golden Rules Gal what new etiquette rule she would make a must for all people. "I would say not so much about new etiquette rules, but in front of every rule, I would add the word 'mindful,' as in 'mindful behavior,'" the etiquette expert tells us. "The practice of being aware and paying attention to the feelings of others [and] our surroundings, and without judgment. Wouldn't that be nice!"
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Saying goodbye to everyone when I’m ready to leave.
Nope.
I’m simply gonna ✨f**koff ✨ in silence.
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Being "fashionably late". The party is at 7, why is everyone showing up at 8-9? I find it so rude.Talling on speakerphone loudly no matter where the f**k you are. It's so common I genuinely notice people that are actually using their phones built in speaker and not using the f*****g speakerphone.Hear me out: people expecting an immediate text or call back as if they are entitled to your time. Obviously, I do not mean emergencies, but you get my gist.
EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes and comments, it doesn’t make me feel so alone in my thoughts ❤️.‘The customer is always right’. Absolutely not.I’m gonna get downvoted for this but I dislike that it’s become socially acceptable to wear your pajamas in public. I get you want to be comfortable, but put on a t shirt and jeans or shorts or something."Respect your elders." Sorry, a lot of my elders are unrespectable.Having kids hug/embrace every single person even though they don't know them at social family gathering.I despise that it's more socially acceptable to BE an a*****e than it is to call someone out for being an a*****e. It's like when someone's being publicly rude, people would rather just ignore it and look the other way than say "Hey buddy you're being a d**k to everyone around you, knock it the hell off".Tipping in 95% of situations. Just doing your job should not require a tip. Businesses should pay more and not put it on the customers. I always tip 25% or more because it's not the workers' fault that companies are awful but it just rubs me the wrong way.No, John, I'm not spending the first ten minutes of the meeting discussing everyone's weekend plans. Let's just get down to business so we can end the meeting ASAP.Not putting the salary on the job advert.I have NEVER understood why people are afraid to tell someone else they have food in their teeth or something on their face. I’m going to be more embarrassed if I get home and see the lipstick on my teeth. AND I’m going to be annoyed with you for not mentioning it!Putting cutlery at the beginning of buffet tables. I do not know which utensils I need until I am done selecting all of my food and they are awkward to carry while filling my plate with said food. It belongs at the end and I die on this hill.Men always ask women out, if a woman does it it makes her look desperate, do away with this social etiquette and let whoever has feelings for whomever make the first move regardless of gender.Turning down something when you actually want it because it’s “polite.”
This happened to me a lot when I was a kid but every once in a while as an adult this weird social thing will happen.
Person: Would you like something to drink?
Me: Yes, please. Thank you.
Person: *shocked Pikachu face* Oh, I was just being polite.
Me: Were you, Vicki? Because that seems rude to me.Giving up airplane seats so people can sit together. If I’m not being upgraded to a better seat, I’m not moving.Being on time is late. No, being late is being late. I’m not giving anyone more of my time then I need to.Talking about money.
F*****g discuss your wages, especially with your coworkers. It’s how you figure out if you’re being taken advantage of by your management, and it helps you put into perspective how other people in your field are doing and how you can improve your own income.Waiting for people to take photos before walking through. It was polite in the 80s when people took one photo per day, but these days you'd never get anywhere in a tourist city if you waited. It's not reasonable to hold up a pavement while you take 17 photos for your Instagram. I'm going through.Not taking the last piece of food on a sharing platter. The number of times I’ve seen a perfectly good piece of garlic bread go cold and get thrown away….Forcing kids to share their brand new gifts at a birthday party. naw. keep those doodoo-butter fingers off the new merchandise unless junior graciously permits you to play with it.People, usually men, mistaking the notion of a firm handshake to mean squeezing the f**k out of your hand.Going out for a birthday or occasion with a bunch of people or even just a few friends and having to split the bill evenly . I don’t mind it if it’s a few dollar difference, but often times I’ll get something cheaper on the menu and maybe one drink whereas others are ordering steaks and 4 drinks and I owe $100 or more. Whenever it’s the opposite and I order the more expensive things, I always make sure to tell people to just pay for what they owe. I wish others had the same decency.You can be blunt and be honest without being rude, sometimes it's the best thing to do.I'm a big fan of the Irish goodbye.How saying you don’t want to hang out with someone is considered rude. Instead society expects you to come up with a good reason, as if saying “I’m an introvert and I like having my alone time. Maybe we can hang out some other time.” Isn’t good enough.Men and women having different standards when it comes to being topless in public.Having people in the service industry smile ask about your day. It's all completely insincere and exhausting and not just to the poor worker. I don't want to have to smile and lie to a stranger. I just want to buy my s**t and go.
It sometimes gets pushed way too f*****g far. There's a popular coffee kiosk chain where I live where the baristas are all forced to chat while you wait for them to make the coffee, and it takes a while so, the "how are you/fine" exchange doesn't fill enough time. They ask about favorite movies and "if you had a super power" and anything to just keep this pointless unwanted conversation going. Just... just stop. All I want is coffee. I don't want to think of what my favorite tree is, and you don't care. This isn't a conversation, this is chore.
It's exhausting.Asking "How are you?" and expecting a standard lie in response.Sending thank you notes to people who attended your loved one’s funeral. You already have enough on your plate, plus you’re grieving. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
Editing to add that I am in the US, in Michigan specifically.Smoke breaks
You mean to tell me by smoking you get an extra hour a day to do whatever you want?!I sat on a chocolate covered cherry at a picnic while wearing white shorts. Did anyone tell me at the time, including boyfriend. No. It just looked like a s**t myself and had a blowout period.As a teacher, the “don’t talk back” gets me. It’s a problem if it is rude, but I don’t automatically assume a response is disrespect.I kind of wish you could just dip out of boring conversations you may be trapped in.When you offer someone something, and they say no, even though they want it, and you need to keep offering it to them until it's socially acceptable for them to take it.People getting pissy if you don’t open their gift right in front of them at the party.
People bringing gifts even if the invite specifically said “NO GIFTS”.
Obligatory gift giving in general.Don't know if it's a universal thing, but at every place I or my parents worked at, there was this weird rule to bring some food with you if you have your birthday on a workday. Luckily my birthday didn't land at a workday for the past two years, but I still just don't like that at all. I'm not going to work at that day to celebrate, and my coworkers aren't my friends. I would even prefer if nobody at my workplace knew when I have my birthday, but my boss literally writes it down for every employee to make sure we all know each other's birthdays.
I just wanna go there, do my f*****g job like any other day, and then go back home to enjoy my day with friends and family.Kiss on the cheek was a common greeting where I live. Thankfully covid brought an end to that.Forcing conversation when faced with a moment of silence.
