Raising kids is hard. Watching them grow up and become adults can be even harder. Many parents want to stay involved in their adult children’s lives, but sometimes, that involvement feels more like control than support. Adult kids often say, “You don’t trust me.” This can hurt both sides. If you’re a parent, you might wonder why your grown child feels this way. If you’re an adult kid, you might feel frustrated by your parents’ actions. Understanding what makes adult kids think you don’t trust them can help you build a better relationship. Here’s what’s going on—and what you can do about it.
1. You Question Their Decisions
When you ask your adult child to explain every choice, it can feel like you don’t trust them. This includes things like where they live, who they date, or how they manage their finances. Even if you mean well, constant questions can sound like doubt. Adult kids want to feel respected. They want to know if you believe they can handle life. If you always ask “Are you sure?” or “Why would you do that?” it sends a message: “I don’t think you know what you’re doing.” Instead, try listening first. Ask if they want advice before giving it. This shows you trust their judgment.
2. You Offer Unsolicited Advice
Advice is good when someone asks for it. But when you advise without being asked, it can feel like you don’t trust your adult child to figure things out. This is especially true if you repeatedly offer the same advice. Adult kids want to solve problems on their own. They want to make mistakes and learn from them. If you always step in, it can feel like you think they can’t handle life. Next time, wait for them to ask. Or say, “Let me know if you want my thoughts.” This gives them space and shows respect.
3. You Check Up on Them Too Much
Calling or texting every day to ask what your adult child is doing can feel like you’re keeping tabs on them. Even if you want to stay close, it can come across as a lack of trust. Adult kids need space to grow. They want to know you care, but not that you’re watching their every move. If you find yourself checking their social media or asking friends about them, it’s time to step back. Trust that they’ll reach out if they need you. Give them room to breathe.
4. You Step In to “Fix” Problems
It’s natural to want to help your kids. But if you jump in to solve every problem, your adult child may feel like you don’t trust them to handle things. This can include calling their boss, paying their bills, or handling conflicts for them. While your intentions are good, it can make them feel powerless. Adult kids want to prove they can manage life’s challenges. Offer support, but let them take the lead. Ask, “How can I help?” instead of taking over.
5. You Bring Up Past Mistakes
Reminding your adult child of things they did wrong in the past can make them feel like you don’t trust them to do better now. Everyone makes mistakes, but bringing them up repeatedly can be discouraging. It sends the message that you don’t believe they’ve grown. Focus on the present. Trust that they’ve learned from their experiences. If you need to discuss the past, do it in a way that fosters growth, not shame.
6. You Set Unnecessary Rules
Setting rules for your adult child—like curfews when they visit or restrictions on who they can see—can feel controlling. Adult kids want to be treated like adults, not teenagers. Rules that don’t make sense for their age can make them feel like you don’t trust them to make good choices. Instead, set boundaries that respect both sides. For example, if they’re staying in your home, talk about what works for everyone. Make it a conversation, not a list of rules.
7. You Don’t Respect Their Privacy
Going through your adult child’s things, reading their mail, or asking personal questions can feel like a violation of trust. Privacy is important at any age, but especially for adults. If you don’t respect their privacy, they may feel like you don’t trust them to manage their own life. Give them space. Trust that they’ll share what matters when they’re ready.
8. You Compare Them to Others
Comparing your adult child to siblings, friends, or even yourself can make them feel like they’re not good enough. It can also make them think you don’t trust their unique path. Everyone moves at their own pace. Celebrate their progress, even if it doesn’t look exactly as you expected. Avoid phrases like “Your brother did it this way” or “When I was your age…” Focus on their strengths and growth.
9. You Don’t Acknowledge Their Independence
If you still treat your adult child like a kid, they may feel like you don’t trust them to be independent. This can manifest in small ways, such as making decisions on their behalf or speaking on their behalf in public. Adult kids want to be seen as capable. Recognize their achievements. Let them take charge of their own life. This builds trust and respect.
Building Trust Is a Two-Way Street
Trust between parents and adult kids doesn’t happen overnight. It takes effort from both sides. Parents need to let go a little. Adult children need to demonstrate that they can handle responsibility. Open, honest conversations help. So does giving each other space to grow. To foster a strong relationship, prioritize respect and understanding. Trust is built one step at a time.
Have you ever felt like your parents didn’t trust you as an adult? Or, as a parent, have you struggled to let go? Share your story in the comments.
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The post What Makes Adult Kids Think You Don’t Trust Them appeared first on Clever Dude Personal Finance & Money.
