I am raising funds for charity by growing a mo (that's a moustache, for the uninitiated). Are any particular shapes in fashion this season?
Dan Coward, London
Mo money, mo problems, that's what I have to say about facial hair. Look, there are only four excuses for this kind of hirsute nonsense and they are, in descending order of acceptability:
1. You are Mediterranean and it is some kind of national law.
2. You have a facial abnormality that needs covering.
3. You are baby-faced and need to prove that you have gone through puberty to avoid being carded every time you go to the pub.
4. You are bald and trying to compensate for your lack of hair elsewhere.
Now you, you pesky pirate, have managed to coin a whole new justification, by claiming you are doing this for charity. I say "claim" because I am often sceptical of this "for charity" excuse, simply because I either don't believe it, or I believe it but suspect you are playing the charity card as a cover for doing something that you have always wanted to do but were shamed out of in normal circumstances by a rightful sense of propriety. The prosecution calls to the stand: running a marathon in a chicken outfit; the eating of several dozen apple pies and anything involving stripping off or "hilariously" wearing women's clothing. (Obviously, these examples only apply to male charity supporters. Women are, of course, allowed to wear women's clothing and the eating of multiple apple pies is the least we deserve. As for chicken outfits, well, feathers are very in this season, y'know.)
But anyway, if you want to sport a "'tache" on your head (and in particular, your upper lip), so be it. Obviously there are no particularly fashionable shapes because while fashion might countenance weird shoe/boot hybrids that make you look cloven-hoofed, or allow statements such as: "The secretary is the new urban hippy", moustaches are just too ridiculous for it to consider.
So really, I think the only way to deal with it is to take this bull by the horns and nasal hair and go flat out for the irony look. No, not the pencil-thin variety that too many men sport, claiming aloud to be doing it in an ironic way, but inwardly reckoning that they look a bit of a dashing cad. No, I'm talking the full-on chunky hack of hair, Tarzan-could-swing-across-the-jungle-on-that type affair. Obviously, the ultimate moustache icon is Brian Fantana from Anchorman, a man who has been cited with surprising frequency on this page. Now, Brian knew that he had to balance all the facial hair action going on at the top half of his face - namely, sexy eyebrow waggling - with some kind of hair action on the bottom. So I recommend going for what is known in the business as "the Selleck", in honour of the eponymous Tom. Look, the man was in Friends, Three Men and a Little Lady and - a little known but vital fact - Murder, She Wrote. What more proof do you need of the power of the fat 'tache?
I'm getting married next year and I want to wear a particular green dress but everyone is saying I have to wear white. Why?
Mariella Carter, by email
Because we are all flaming hypocrites, that's why. Assuming it's meant to be a statement of the bride's "purity" - which we all know means virginity - three objections come racing to mind:
1. Few brides these days are virgins, so the whole white thing seems ludicrous at best, dishonest at worst and dishonest in a frequently religious setting, to top it off, should you care about such things, which, if you place such a high value on virginity, you probably do.
2. If you are a virgin, do you really feel the need to advertise this fact to your entire group of friends and family? Not that there's anything wrong with it, of course, but do you really think your best quality is your lack of sexual experience as opposed to, I dunno, your gorgeous face/your sparkling personality/your impressively frizz-free hair?
3. Are we really still equating sex with sin? Or, to be more specific, women having sex as having some sort of parity with other moral crimes such as murder?
The whole thing is ridiculous beyond comprehension, verging on the offensive, even. So, dammit, Mariella, wear that green dress. Wear that green dress with pride. And should anyone protest, tell them that you are a pagan and are making some sort of bonding link with the movements of Mother Earth. That'll learn 'em.
