Name: Brush-by.
Age: Modern. Very modern.
Appearance: Fleeting.
OK, you've got me. What's a brush-by? Taking a selfie as you touch sleeves with a celebrity while passing them in Oxford Street? No. It's a kind of meeting.
Oo, sounds espionage-y! Is it what spies do when they see each other at a drop? Or how they murmur code to each other out of the sides of their mouths as they queue up for potato soup at the Kremlin canteen? Nyet, comrade. It's what Ed Miliband has scheduled with Barack Obama.
Oh, you mean "brush-off". On the contrary. A "brush-by" is an informal meeting arranged with those whom protocol dictates US presidents may not officially receive – such as the UK opposition leader. It often means stopping to chat with each other during a non-chance encounter in a corridor of power.
They should just call it a "hover and who are you?" meeting. A "gaze and goodbye". Why doesn't Obama just arrange to meet him at the urinal and use those moments of his precious time? "A wipe and wait"? A "tap and talk"? That could work. It's probably a good idea no one suggested that to Rahm Emanuel in his day.
So which dismal thoroughfare is Ed going to hang about in until the leader of the free world just happens along on his way to see a real person? Actually, Obama is going to drop in on a meeting Ed is having with US officials before our boy gives a speech to a Washington think tank.
Wow. That's quite a substantial brush-by. That's almost a meet and greet. That's almost something it wouldn't be entirely humiliating to go home and tell the folks about. That's the intention. A meeting – any meeting – with the US president is seen as making any politician look far more prime ministerial. It worked for Cameron in 2008 with George Bush and Tony Blair with Clinton in 1996.
Well, thanks for both of those, America … Of course, in 2009, after the release of the Lockerbie bomber, it was gleefully reported that Gordon Brown only got five minutes of face-time with Obama as they made their way through the kitchen of a New York restaurant.
Oh man, that was a cultural and every other type of cringe. So, go Ed! Go ED!
Do say: "This is not at all like a scene straight out of Veep."
Don't say: "Hi, secret Muslim Marxist, I'm a secret Jewish Marxist! Hands across the divide, bro!"
