Needless to say, many things we do as kids—as grown-ups later in life, even—come from our upbringing and the things our parents instill in us. And while most of them typically try their best at being parents, some of their values or beliefs might be questionable at best.
For instance, telling your child that perfectionism should always be the standard might not be a healthy approach, nor arguably is encouraging them to work day, night, and weekends to show their dedication. These are just a couple of examples millennials shared while discussing the things their parents ingrained in them that they later realized were ridiculous. Scroll down to find more on the list below and see just what bizarre beliefs some parents want their children to follow.
Below you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with a clinical psychologist and a professor of psychology at the University of Mary Washington, Miriam Liss, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions about parental influence.
Discussing people’s habits and behavior, Miriam Liss, professor of psychology at the University of Mary Washington, pointed out that they are typically shaped by numerous factors, parental influence being one of them.
“Parent influence is significant but not the only significant influence for children. Genetics also matter, as do influences outside of the family; peers, for example,” she told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
“Nevertheless, parents can instill both behavioral patterns and values in their children that can have a long-lasting influence,” the expert continued. “Many aspects of a child’s behavior are shaped by what we expect of them and what behaviors are reinforced by the family.”
“Parents can also impact what is valued by children. Do parents notice and praise how a child looks or are they more likely to give children praise and attention when they are demonstrating kindness to others? Through selective attention and reinforcement, parents can communicate what is important and valued in their family.”
While parental influence does play a significant role, as kids age, it is possible for them to break free of certain behaviors instilled in them by their parents. (That’s likely why people who’ve shared their stories in the thread eventually realized how ridiculous theirs were.)
“Children change all the time, so one could argue that they are never fully ‘set’,” Prof. Liss suggested. “We can always change the expectations we make of our children and that is actually appropriate as children age. For example, you wouldn’t expect a young child to help cook a meal or do their own laundry, but you might expect an older child or teen to do these things.”
According to Miriam Liss, if a habit has been ingrained and people want to change it, they need to be consistent and calm about it. “For example, if you [as a parent] have allowed your child to snack before dinner and then you decide you don’t want that behavior anymore, your child might object and complain and you might be tempted to give up and let them snack. However, if you are calm and consistent and explain the reason behind the new rule, eventually even ingrained behaviors can be changed.
“Other things may be harder to change, especially if you don’t realize how you have influenced your child. For example, if you have focused most of your praise on how your child looks, your child may put a high value on their appearance and this may be difficult to change,” she added.
However, according to Liss, even such messages are not set in stone, as both parents and children learn and grow. “As children age they will make their own decisions about whether or not they want to keep the values their family has instilled in them or whether they want to value other things.”
While the things that adults in the family consider important and want to ingrain in their children differ with each household, some are arguably universally favorable. According to Prof. Liss, these include a foundational belief that the kids are loved and a belief that it is OK to try difficult things and that growth can happen through failure.
While expanding on the former, the expert pointed out that parents who are warm and caring can help instill a basic sense that a child is worthy of love and attention. That can help the offspring form a secure attachment style, which can bring numerous long-lasting benefits.
Discussing the latter, Dr. Liss emphasized that some parents communicate to their children that they must succeed at all costs and this can make children averse to taking risks and trying new things. “Instead, parents could try to communicate that people grow when they try hard things and that a lot of learning can come from failing and trying again. This can help children cope with challenging situations with strength and resilience."
That perfectionism is the standard. Things aren't worth doing unless you do them so thoroughly and perfectly that you basically are never done editing. helllllloooooo burnoutThat you must have a "valid" reason for everything you do. "Because I want to" or "because it makes me happy" are not valid reasons.I was told, over and over, "Just wait until you are a parent!! Then you will understand!!" Now I'm a parent and have fully concluded they were just trying to mask their insecurities with gaslighting.Being called 'mature for my age' / 'old soul' was not a gold star, it was because I had no personality other than gaining the approval of parental figures. I always existed for other people, grew up way too fast, and set impossible standards for myself. My late twenties have been fun as I try to figure out who the hell I am now.Being a member of the clean plate club is not the badge of honor I was told it wasHmm... The sort of "Sanctity" of family. Like, just because you are blood related, you somehow need to bend over backwards for them. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and that includes the ones I don't see often. That said, some of them are total pricks.. And I would bend over backwards for people I work with that are kind long before I would them. You don't get a pass just because we are related. ^^;That I don’t need to learn to cook or do laundry because “my wife will do that stuff when I get married”. I went off to college having no clue how to do laundry and I didn’t learn how to do the most basic of cooking until my 20s. My three year old literally helps with laundry and cooking more than I ever got to do my 18 years of living at home.Mental health isn’t real.Someone’s salary reflects both their intelligence and worth as a person, eg the higher salary the a smarter, better personYou must conform and appear “normal”, otherwise someone might judge you as “weird” and that’s just the worst thing that could possibly happen .Purity cultureMy dad convinced me that "unions suck", either because "dues" or "lazy workers" or "they're all left wing"
Then I got into a union, and the monthly dues are a drop in the bucket compared to my old non-union wages, the wages are high enough that everyone is happy to bust a*s if it's ever actually necessary or beneficial to bust a*s, and the group is generally pretty politically diverse.
Union elections matter as much as actual elections once you're in one. I'm far more concerned about who my union stewards and BAs are than actual politicians.College = success/money.
Haaaaaaa!!!That using public safety net programs made you a bad person. Food stamps, WIC, and Medicaid were for people that were completely morally bankrupt and would never make anything of themselves.That the beatings she doled out as discipline always hurt her more than how she had hurt us.Gendered chores. My husband and I do not observe those rulesRespect your elders.
A lot of old people are s**t.That EMTs care about your bra and underwear matching.Other people's perception of you was always more important than what you wanted or how you expressed yourself. My grandparents pushed that a lot so I understand where it came from, but once I got older I realized how damaging it was.My dad had a*s hole humor. Like being a jerk is funny. I was an innocent a*s hole to people for a long time. My boyfriend in college would point it out and I was like “what are you talking about?” And it was literally the only thing that straightened me out.
My dad came from an abusive home as a child and as recently cooled his jets in his older age. I think he was unaware and his mom came from an extremely abusive household. Like- she had red hair and they sent her to a farm away from the family and beat her all the time. The other siblings got to live at home.
My college boyfriend came from an abusive household just like me (his dad was an alcoholic, my mom was an alcoholic) so we kinda understood each other and called out each other’s a*s hole-ness all the time.
My husband and I have also worked on it. My husband came from a religious family who shamed as a form of punishment, also pretty abusive. It’s taken years, therapy, and many books, but I think it’s over.
Coming from a tough family takes so long to realize “hey, that’s not normal. That’s being an a*s hole. No wonder I have no friends!” We’ll be raising our son with kindness and not being AHs.
Also, Reddit. I think getting dunked on by you guys all the time made me realize how much of an AH I was too. It hurts, but it’s needed.
Generational trauma! So fun!Saving the best for last.
Whether it's beer, food, or a nice soap someone gave as a gift.
My mom would hoard them until they were ancient and no longer in fresh enough condition to enjoy properly. Now I have the best thing first and enjoy it to its fullest potential.“Therapists just find ways to blame the parents”That you will drown and die if you swim after you eat.My parents engrained in me that I absolutely cannot waste food. So, I have a psychological obsession with eating everything from my plate, even if I was already full. Now, when my children didn't finish their plates, I'd have the urge to finish for them instead of throwing the leftovers away.
It's really unhealthy, literally."Work hard and you will be rewarded." And I somehow continued to believe that c**p long after they themselves established a pattern of never rewarding my hard work, while harshly punishing my failures.
In their defense, they've come around to understand both the double-standard they applied to me and the inherent b******t of the saying itself.Calling everyday when you apply for a job, totally horses**t but I f****n did it for like 5 years after leaving home. Anything concerning work culture honestlyMake sure to tell your boss that you want to work all the weekends, evenings and holidays so that they know you really care about your job.Men don't feel emotions ?Destroying documents. I cant just shred them, i have to run them under water, cover them with soap, and put them in 3 separate garbage cans. Thanks dad."Washing your hands in the kitchen sink is bad luck." They told me it was from the old country and I didn't learn it was a lie until a few months ago. I told my girlfriend that and she texted my mom to ask if it was true. My mom responded "I just said that to keep them out of the kitchen. Men are so easy to trick!"That holding more than 3-5 jobs in a lifetime was a sign of my incompetency, not the changing nature of the economy.That I should take out as many student loans as I want because I don’t have to pay them back until I’m making good money, and that when I do pay them back I can make tiny payments until I die.
What the f**k, mom.Job loyalty. If you work hard, you'll get promoted!That thing where they're like "respect is given, not earned." Biggest horses**t I've ever heard.you have to get married or do this and that by "this age"...life is not a straight line and s**t happensThe mystical “permanent record” lie.
If I got a detention, speeding ticket, any sort of ticket actually, it’d go on my permanent record and I’d never get into college or get a good job.
It was the blanket fear approach instead of using truthful, realistic consequences for those situations.Work hard and you’ll be rewarded.
Yeah, to some extent, hard work is rewarded. But there’s a point where there’s no amount of effort you could put in that would make you as much money as unionizing your workplace and taking part in the union politics that make that union effective.
In my industry they wanted us to work 40% harder than 1991 workers to make the same buying power.
Consider that for a moment. Right out of school. Expected to do 40% more than workers of years gone by just to have a comparable lifestyle.
“Work hard” just got me taken advantage of. And you know what? I still believe in working hard and doing a good job.
But wise up and realize that there’s no shortage of businesspeople ready to put you to work for less than you’re worth.Mostly over exaggerating how afraid I should be of things. Getting cut by broken glass is not nearly as bad as the anxiety response around trying not to break a glass in the first place. I was always taught fear as a precautionary ritual and never from a place of practical understanding. That’s how you raise a child with crippling self confidence issues.Catholicism.
And it doesn’t matter what you major in at college, you’ll be able to get a good job. Maybe it was true in the 70’s but now no one respects a degree in the humanities.That every piece of clothing you buy should be something you can wear to work.Drinking a cup of juice was healthy because it was a serving of fruit.- Not everything has to devolve into a screaming argument
- Never calling off work is stupid and only hurts yourself
- You don’t need to keep your car full of gas during the winter because it has a freezing point of -100That I don't have any worth unless I'm doing for others or doing well, working, which makes it where when I'm sick or want a day off I feel guilty and like I'm never enough.That it’s wrong to celebrate Halloween (I could hand out candy to other kids, but wasn’t allowed to participate in it myself).A ten hour car ride with only one bathroom breakIt's never ok to buy packaged salads, pre-cut fruits and veggies, or convenience foods because they are costly and wasteful. Sometimes as an adult I splurge on these things now because it's literally the easiest way to get all the servings of fruit and veggies I need. I don't always have time to prep all of those things. I'll literally serve some protein and a bagged salad for dinner. My dad would clutch his pearls at that. Is it any shock that I rarely ate fresh food as a child?1. That being hit/screamed at means someone loves me
2.having a grade below a B in high school meant I’d be working at McDonald’s all my lifeThat everyone is always judging you. They are very insecure people (and so am I but trying to fix it lol).Steak has to be cooked until it has the appearance and consistency of shoe leather. Once I was old enough to order my own steak at restaurants (or cook my own steaks at home), it was exclusively medium rare for me.That it's never ok to ask for help.“Just stop worrying and be happy.” Idk if that actually works for my parents but it is way more complicated than thatMy parents told me pepperoni was a vegetable because I wouldn't eat meat. 34 and still a vegetarian.... TAKE THAT!- Sitting too close to the TV will hurt your eyes and you'll need glasses because of it.
- IDK if this is my parents, but other adults said coffee stunts your growth which is b******t.That adults are smarter.That big cities are scary and dangerous. Maybe it was slightly more true in their era
I grew up 5 hours away from Chicago and didn’t visit until I was 32. I’m desperately trying to get them to check it out, but they refuse. I’ve been to plenty of other cities since I was in my mid 20s but seeing Chicago for the first time was surrealI still feel the urge to go home when the street lights come on.KISS Stood For Knights In Satan's Service and they were a band of devil worshipers“You can be anything you want in life”
“I want to be an artist.”
“Anything except that. You won’t be able to pay your bills.”My parents told me if you slept with the blanket over your head you’d get “turtle disease”. Looking back, I don’t think that is true…
Also they said kiwis were gorilla eggs… which many people don’t know…just everything. My entire personality is ruined because of her. I don’t even know who I amIf you sleep with a fan on in the room, you risk suffocating and dying in your sleep.Doing good in elementary school leads to anything in the future.If I (29m) concentrated and worked hard I would get good grades in school. Last year I was diagnosed Autistic."I'm the adult, and I don't have to explain myself to you. Btw. Meet your new step-dad." - True story.
Goes out adulting for the first time. Yeah. You kind of needed to.
Stop raising kids, and start raising adults.That you have to give 2 week’s notice when quitting a job.Barely using heat in winter and A/C in summer. Those are NOT the places to save money. Save elsewhere on stupid discretionary spend.“Honesty is the best policy” is really only true when it comes to your spouse and close family.
Reality is that honesty has gotten me in more trouble with authorities than just keeping my mouth shut.If you go outside or talk to someone online, you will be instantly k****dIf you go to school for something you really like (in my case art/graphic design) you'll be a failure and never amount to anything.
I was completely burnt out after high school because I'd been doing all AP classes, extracurricular activities many of which I had to walk home from, while dealing with abuse. I went to community college for about a semester before dropping out. I never completed my degree and work in customer service. I should have just done the art thing because even I got a "useless" art degree I'd be more or less in the same situation I am now, but at least I wouldn't have wasted 4.5 years of my life studying for AP exams and walking 2 miles from from school after Scientific Olympiad.That I was allergic to sugar. My mother isn't exactly a stable person. I had a rough childhood. One of the delusions was that I was allergic to sugar. It's not a thing.That some places will hire me because of my excellent attendance records in school. And if I actually work hard at a job they’ll recognize that and reward youSaving everything. My dad was a collector and my mom saved EVERYTHING. My dad died when I was a kid and I'm glad he was a collector because we made enough to pay off the house by selling his comics and baseball cards, but my lord... No, Mom. I don't want my high chair for my kids who are now too old for a high chair. Nor do I want Dad's blanket from military school. Thanks. Why do you still have those things?!That you always need to scrimp and save instead of splurging a little sometimes to enjoy lifeOh there are too many things to list here.
"Don't talk over others, it's rude." while talking over me constantly.
That buying things is a reward for "doing good things." which has lead to... Issues now with bills. "Well, I could pay all these, but... Damn I've been depressed and this thing would cheer me up... Oh well, the hill can wait!"
Polite behavior that no one else has ever heard of.
The list goes on.You must only say BM (bowel movement) and never poo or poop. What a s**t rule.The American dream, being happy, going to college. Do what you love and never work in a day.That A1 sauce was extremely valuable and only to be used for special occasions and, even then, sparingly.
It wasn’t until I was in my mid 30s and finally got a house and grill of my own that I realized they made that rule because we were extremely poor while I was growing up, not that A1 was anything special.If I took more than one Flintstone vitamin I would get really sick.Illegal drugs are really bad, but if you get them from your doctor, no problem!Separating lights and darks for laundry ?
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