INT. NANDO’S. DAY
The STAFF and DINERS are all sexy girls dancing in bikinis, and KASABIAN are playing a gig by the FROZEN YOGHURT MACHINE. Our heroes VINCE, EDWARD, TORTOISE and TIM LOVEJOY sit around a table, smugly eating a lemon and herb chicken platter.
TORTOISE: Cheeky Nando’s! Arooooo! Hey, Vince, it’s so nang that Alan hooked you up with your black card, bruv.
VINCE: It was between me and Richard Blackwood. But, hey, things always work out for Vincent Rush.
EDWARD: Wait, guys, shut up. Alan’s calling.
Edward pulls out a Motorola RAZR.
EDWARD (Cont): What is it, Alan?
CUT TO: A dingy basement office. ALAN BRONZE, a little old man in a wig, is yelling into a landline phone.
ALAN: He’s done it now, Edward! Vince has really done it now! Shane Richie’s just heard that Vince banged Coleen Nolan in the Loose Women green room, and now he’s threatening to pull the plug on Vince’s upcoming ITVBe reality show. We haven’t been in this much shit since Tortoise got caught in the gravitational pull of Carol Vorderman’s cameltoe!
EDWARD: He can do that?
ALAN: Yes, he can do that, Edward. Vince’s co-star was going to be Shane Richie’s son, that guy from that rubbish band! The one who looks like Olly Murs got drunk and knocked up the ghost of Sid James!
Alan slams the phone down.
ALAN: Pissflaps! Lloyd, you’re gay.
In the corner of the office, Alan’s assistant Lloyd patiently fills in a workplace discrimination form. Meanwhile, back in NANDO’S, Edward is explaining the situation to the guys.
TORTOISE: This is flipping pants, bruv. Without that show, how am I going to get Peter Andre to promote my line of executive alcopops?
Tortoise wipes his greasy chicken hands across the buttocks of a passing waitress.
VINCE: Guys, relax. It’s going to be OK.
Edward’s phone rings again. It’s Alan.
ALAN: I just called Shane Richie. He’s agreed to let the reality show happen, so long as Phillip Schofield doesn’t mention his facelift on This Morning. It’s going to be OK!
EDWARD: You’re the most powerful man in light entertainment, Alan. Guys, it’s going to be OK!
VINCE: I told you it was going to be OK. Tim, the fork goes in your mouth.
