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‘What if Akbar was actually just a minister in the court of Birbal, the great Hindu king?’

By Anand Ramachandran
The Portzebie Papers

Despite being one of the world’s most famous and recognisable landmarks, the Taj Mahal has recently come under scrutiny because there are some people who believe that the monument is not quite what it seems. 

A petition filed before the Lucknow bench of the Allahabad High Court has sought that 20 locked rooms within the Taj be opened up, just to check that there are no Hindu idols or scriptures within — a revelation that would be akin to finding a Congress party membership card hidden in the Prime Minister’s sock drawer.

If, indeed, such things were to be found within the premises of the Taj, it would lend credence to the theory (originally put forth by that pillar of historical revisionism, Professor P.N. Oak) that the Taj Mahal was actually a Hindu temple called Tejo Mahalaya, and that the Mughal invaders used the despicable practice of historical negationism to change written history in order to serve the political needs (and egos) of their kings. What sort of tyrannical regime would try to do things like that?

Thanks to the efforts of Professor Oak (who also took the lead in informing anyone who would listen that Christianity is actually Krishna Neeti and that the Vatican is originally Vatika) and other like-minded people, we are finally making efforts to bust these long-held myths and reclaim our rightful heritage. While I am grateful for these stellar scholars and their contribution to society, I feel that we need to go even deeper to look for evidence of false histories and narratives that have been foisted on us by outsiders. We are merely scratching the surface of this centuries-old conspiracy by all other foreign powers to defame India, and especially the BJP government.

“The CBI should investigate Nintendo’s archives to unearth evidence that Super Mario Bros. is based on an ancient South Indian folk hero called Super Mariappan (the moustache is a dead giveaway)”

Proof beyond doubt

For instance, what if some investigations could turn up evidence that Aurangzeb was actually a Hindu king called A. Rangarajan, who was respectfully referred to as ‘A. Ranga Saheb’ by his near and dear ones? What if we could find ancient scriptures that proved that Babar was actually Babu R., Jahangir was J.N. Giri and Akbar was actually just a minister in the court of Birbal, the great Hindu king? (From the irrefutable evidence from comics, it looked like Birbal did all the work anyway, so this isn’t really that far-fetched.) This would prove beyond doubt that the Mughal empire actually never existed, eradicating their presence from India in one fell swoop. A significant step in taking back what’s ours, and firmly establishing that we were a Hindu Rashtra all along.

In fact, this dedicated effort by foreign powers to wipe out any records of ancient Hindu greatness continues to this day, even hiding in unexpected places like pop culture.

For instance, I think it is crucial for the Supreme Court to direct the Walt Disney Company to allow Indian officials to examine the original scripts of  Captain America, to make sure that the character was not appropriated from a Vedic-era manuscript that tells stories of a great soldier named Shiv Rajan, who is is known to friend and foe as Captain Avarakkai. 

The CBI should investigate Nintendo’s archives to unearth evidence that Super Mario Bros. is based on an ancient South Indian folk hero called Super Mariappan (the moustache is a dead giveaway). The External Affairs ministry should take efforts to reclaim Australia (which, as many eminent Indians have pointed out, was originally Astralay) so that we can use it to store our most deadly weapons, such as nuclear warheads, submarines, and Amit Malviya.

At a time when India’s status is rising as a global power, we must urgently revise the historical revisionism that has caused so much harm to our nation. So we can ensure that future generations do not end up referring to Rahul Gandhi as Raul Gondry, Rajinikanth as Raz-ibn-khan or Valluvar Kottam as Val Kilmer Cottage.

The Chennai-based writer/ satirist and game designer likes playing games with his writing.

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