To say I was feeling low would be an understatement. A dramatic and unforeseen turn of events transformed my happy life into a trauma overnight. Depression felt like my life was crumbling, the ground ripped from beneath my feet.
In desperate need for stability I threw myself into work with a new-found intensity. I was often the first to arrive in the morning and the last to leave at night. Work gave me purpose, but my sense of self became entwined in work – perhaps it wasn’t healthy, but pride in my work boosted my sense of worth and esteem.
I was known at work for my enthusiasm and energy, so when I hit rock bottom I continued to play this role – it was almost easier to act composed than break down. I never revealed my pain. Slowly my inner plea for help became harder to conceal and I arranged a meeting with you, my boss. Before the meeting I felt anxious and sick.
When you invited me into your office, I opened my mouth to speak but my mind scrambled. I panicked and tried to invent some pretext about why I had called the meeting.
You saw straight through it and I ended up telling you everything I had been through – I confided in you things I had been unable to tell my closest friends. You listened with the kind of compassion and sincerity I had never seen before. I walked out of the meeting feeling lighter and, for the first time, optimistic.
Not long afterwards, our school was to undergo an inspection. Because my sense of worth was so intertwined with work the result of my lesson inspection felt personal. Needless to say, the lesson was a disaster – I had invested so much into preparing for it that when the time came I was physically sick and racked with nerves.
The poor lesson inspection was affirmation of all my failures as a person. I was defeated, deflated and began to have suicidal thoughts. I was in my 20s and felt like my life was not worth living. I could not see the light ahead. I did not want to reach out for help – I didn’t know how.
I was ashamed to let you down after you had shown such kindness and support. I decided to take my own life.
It felt serendipitous that you came to speak to me at that very moment. While I was apologetic for my lesson, I was taken aback that your concern was only for my welfare. It may seem insignificant, but your genuine words of care made me realise I wasn’t worthless.
It was a transformative moment and a turning point. Everything didn’t immediately improve, but having someone’s trust and belief bolstered my confidence and aided my recovery.
I have since become successful in my field – something that I know would not have happened without your support.
I am now a manager myself, and I am always reminded of how a boss has the ability to transform lives. I only wish I could say thank you for all that you did for me. I endeavour to do the same for others.
- In the UK, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. Hotlines in other countries can be found here.
- Would you like to write an anonymous letter to your boss for this series? Get in touch by emailing careers.desk@theguardian.com
