I’m terrified to go on maternity leave.
I found out I was pregnant when I’d been at this job for only a few weeks. I was shaking when I told you, and felt on edge the following few weeks, because I was terrified of losing my job and everything that would follow. But you’ve been amazing, as has the team.
I’ve been stunned at how encouraged I felt to attend every appointment while still being paid, and book days off when I wanted them. You’ve gone out of your way to keep me safe and secure, and even suggested measures to enable me to keep working for longer, which has been invaluable. I will be eternally grateful for how easy you’ve made this pregnancy.
But I’m still terrified to go on maternity leave. You reassure me again and again that the cover you’ve arranged is a short contract. You tell me you are legally unable to get rid of me even if you wanted to, which you don’t. But I have this image of my replacement wowing you, and finding myself jobless with a three-month-old baby.
I think I’m most scared that maternity leave will show I’m not as integral as I think I am; that work will keep turning without me. I’m frightened that when I come back my job will have changed, my replacement will still be there, and I’ll find myself having to fight my way back in. I’m worried I’ll find myself in a different role with less money and my carefully balanced spreadsheet of mortgage payments and childcare costs will collapse. I’m terrified that maybe I won’t be the cool, urban working mum that you are. I’ll be the one that can’t do both and starts talking about nipple pads in a board meeting.
The fact that you’re a working mum should be a reassurance. You have flexible working hours and you work around your family. You lead by example, and you actively show me that a working mum can work well in this company.
But I wish I could tell you how insecure I’m still feeling about having a baby. I wish I could ask you to tell me you won’t forget about me in the coming months, and that you won’t dread my return. My replacement is a man with no ties and no-doubt boundless energy. Will you still want me when I’m a knackered working parent, endlessly juggling work and childcare?
I wish I could give my boss a hug and thank her for making this pregnancy easy, and I wish she would hug me back and tell me she can’t wait for me to come back.
- Would you like to write an anonymous letter to your boss for this series? Get in touch by emailing careers.desk@theguardian.com
