I tell you what I want, what I really, really want – one of Posh ’s new frocks.
But I don’t look like her, so will I fit into one? Undeterred, I head to Selfridges in Birmingham, where Posh rocked up for the launch of her new spring collection, to test out her clothes .
After two kids, I’m now a size 10 on the bottom and 12 on top. Top heavy, maybe, but you’d think the zip would meet on a £1,000 dress.
I was forced to go up to a size 14 – the biggest size I could find. Nothing for a 16, which is the average in the UK.
Brooklyn Beckham's girlfriend Hana Cross's striking similarities to his mum Victoria
Thinking I’d have better luck with trousers, I grabbed a pair of 10s with front slits up each leg. They hugged my crotch but at £575, I was sure they’d look good.
I teamed them with a blue lace top at an eye-watering £650.
I spent a good 10 minutes wriggling in to the top, but cannot make 2 become 1.
From a distance I looked OK. Nearing the mirror, I realised I’d become John Travolta. And the top clung to all the wrong bits.
David Beckham's changing face – experts reveal what footballer has REALLY had done
Posh says her aim “has always been to make women feel like the best version of themselves”.
But I just felt like crying into a bag of chips. If you are straight up and down these clothes look amazing. Any hint of a bum or boob and you are bust.
I could buy something similar in Next and it would fit.
David Beckham trolls Victoria with 'nightmare vision of his toothless future'
A blue skirt with a peplum front and side split cost £545 but contained polyester.
I did fall for one outfit.
A silk floral skirt with matching top.
But the top was £695 and the skirt £1,455 so my purse couldn’t stretch to it.
There’d been too much stretching already.
If I were Victoria I’d ditch the designs and get on that Spice Girls tour.
See that audience, love?
That’s what women look like.
