So the Queen won't be getting a new yacht to mark her diamond jubilee? Don't despair, loyal subjects: there are cheaper gifts that will still show her how much we care.
• A diamond It's no Kohinoor, but Argos has a little sliver of light at £15.99, set in a nine-carat toe-ring. Whether or not Her Majesty wears toe rings, it's down from £27.99, and a fine opportunity to prove that we are indeed All In This Together.
• A model of her old yacht Just £14.95 will buy a "lovely handpainted" resin model from Britannia's website. Included is a card "so you can position all of Britannia's flags".
• Yet another corgi Pets4Homes has pedigree puppies for £450. What to call the latest Royal Lapdog? "Gove" has a nice ring to it.
• If that's more than the nation can stomach, how about the pooches' favourite treat – scones, which Her Majesty is said to crumble with her very own hands? Four all-butter delights from Duchy Originals will set us back a mere £1.59. There are less expensive brands, but this belt-tightening must stop somewhere.
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