Things will move up a gear in the second half of this election campaign. Until now, we’ve merely been witnessing a soft-shoe shuffle – a debate here, a hi-vis photocall there, Joey Essex everywhere else – that only really coalesced into anything meaningful when the parties unveiled their manifestos this week.
But what will happen next? Well, that should be perfectly clear. Based on what we already know, here’s a scientifically accurate timeline of all the major events that will lead us to our next government. Spoiler alert, obviously.
17 April: Reaction from last night’s BBC election debate begins to trickle in. The consensus is that Nicola Sturgeon once again performed solidly and that Ed Miliband’s decision to keep looking directly into the camera and licking his lips was unfortunate. Meanwhile, Nigel Farage holds an impromptu press conference to defend his statement about Romanian babies with cancer being the true enemy of the UK.
20 April: The last day that anyone can register to vote. Twitter briefly buckles under a level of infuriating sanctimony that science had previously thought impossible.
22 April: David Cameron maximises upon his new public image as the good-time prime minister by wearing a tie covered in smiley faces. It tests positively.
23 April: Meanwhile, Miliband maximises on his new public image as a potential statesman in the making by spending the entire day with his hands on his hips and his chin in the air.
28 April: Cameron reacts to this by riding around in an open top bus screaming: “You get a free car! You get a free car! And you!” through a megaphone at a procession of delighted passersby.
30 April: Miliband reacts to this by arriving at a scheduled photocall at a Shropshire infant school in a military helicopter, with a tin helmet under his arm. He spends much of the day pretending to have an important telephone conversation with Barack Obama.
1 May: Cameron dresses up in a suit made of £50 notes and charges through a crowd of potential voters at a Bromley shopping centre, while George Osborne runs around behind him with a basket of puppies.
5 May: A lull in proceedings, as everyone realises that they haven’t heard from Joey Essex for a while. They hope he’s OK.
6 May: All the main party leaders come together to declare that, since a majority government is impossible, nobody really needs to vote. After all, they’ve already pretty much worked out who’ll be in the next coalition anyway.
7 May: Polling day. Deadlock.
8 May: A full day of horse-trading between the major parties, that still results in deadlock.
9 May: Even more deadlock. Ukip rules out a coalition with the Conservatives. The SNP rules out a coalition with Labour. Briefly the balance of power rests solely with Al Murray, who accidentally won the Thanet South seat, until he resigns in dismay.
23 May: The deadlock continues. The SNP rules out a coalition with Ukip. Labour rules out a coalition with the Conservatives. The Liberal Democrats are game for a coalition with anyone, but nobody’s answering their calls. This is going nowhere.
22 July Summer recess begins.
1 September: Summer recess ends.
18 September: A breakthrough. Tentative plans are announced for a precarious-sounding rainbow coalition of every single party that won a seat in the election, apart from the Liberal Democrats. This is a breakthrough. Finally, the UK has a government again.
19 September: The coalition collapses at exactly 9:01am.
20 September: Joey Essex becomes president.
