Amid the headlines about commercial TV channels ditching hundreds of staff, media talk has turned again to the possibility of channel mergers.
But while ITV, Channel 4 and Five weigh up the pros and cons of forming a mega-corps, let's turn our thoughts to the channels we'd really like to see spliced. Those increasingly specialised denizens of niche entertainment, forced to mate in an unholy digital congress to create new, more inclusive channels.
Just imagine the resulting love child of National Geographic Channel and Nuts TV – Big Naturals – on which you can catch an in-depth documentary about deforestation in South America (The Full Brazilian) presented by a lovely lady with a pith helmet over each ... you get the idea.
Or tune in, all day, every day, to new whodunit channel (You Ain't Got No) Alibi. Together at last, the Alibi channel and BBC3 – in which favourite detectives of yesteryear like Rosemary & Thyme, Jessica Fletcher and Columbo search for who is responsible for Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps, Grownups and Coming of Age.
Perhaps I can persuade you to try Watch Dave – the product of a merger between Watch and Dave (in case you weren't sure) – which only shows one never-ending programme. A camera is trained on a man called Dave, the now sole viewer of Richard & Judy's New Position, as he sits on a chair in front of a television, scratching himself and thinking about switching over. The suspense will be almost unbearable.
And in these difficult times, perhaps executives at UKTV Food could talk to the people at The God Channel about a money-saving union. Imagine a programme like The Last Supper, in which 13 celebrity guests take it in turns to host a slap-up meal for each other (foot-washing optional), immediately forgiving each other for the bitchy, critical things they've said about everyone else's cooking. (Narrated by Come Dine With Thee's Dave Lamb-of-God, obviously.)
The possibilities are endless. Which channels would you like to see getting into bed together, and what audience-appropriate programming would they schedule?
