People are talking about sneans today and frankly it sounds kind of gross. What are they?
I thought my days of explaining Christopher Pyne were over, but here we are. Basically, the politician who used to be in charge of Australia’s defence forces has written a hard-hitting column on the “vagaries of middle-aged fashion faux pas” – also known as sneans, for his local News Corp paper, the Adelaide Advertiser.
Tl;dr version of sneans? Sneakers, and jeans. Think Jerry Seinfeld’s go-to uniform and you are on the right track. That was probably the last time that term was relevant too, come to think of it.
Pyne almost fell victim to the portmanteau a few years ago, but his son’s shame was enough to send him back to the car for a pair of blue suede shoes. He was suitably scarred enough that he felt the need to warn the former attorney general George Brandis, he of the meme-worthy jumper, of the (presumably quite comfortable) territory he was headed into. Brandis rushed in where Pyne feared to tread.
Attorney-General George Brandis arrives back in Canberra for the Spring sitting of Parliament pic.twitter.com/rnniwvqmMM
— Alex Ellinghausen (@ellinghausen) August 9, 2015
Like a fashion-plagued Cassandra, Pyne now feels the need to warn us all.
OK there’s (surprisingly) a bit to unpack here. First of all, why is Pyne writing fashion columns? Doesn’t he have a big new defence job (and one Labor has suggested is in breach of ministerial standards)?
Braver people than me have tried to explain why Pyne does what he does. One imagines Sisyphus has an easier job. Perhaps with Labor (and some of his own colleagues) sniffing around a parliament-led inquiry into whether or not it is appropriate for the former defence minister to get a job with a major consulting firm two seconds after leaving parliament, writing about fashion appears the safest bet. You would have to think that the ’Tiser thought they’d be getting something other than Pyne’s close calls with fashion catastrophes when they took him on but, then again, this wouldn’t be their first time at the Pyne rodeo. I imagine Pyne has views on boots with jeans too. Probably calls them beans or some such thing.
So is any pairing of sneakers and jeans now “sneans”, or just the daggy dad-style ones?
In his 735-word magnum opus into sneans Pyne doesn’t go into such complexities. His own foray into the topic is described as a brush with catastrophe. Then again, he once described having to get his own lime for a gin and tonic as his version of a “log cabin” story (growing up poors) so Beyoncé help us if he ever finds himself in Rivers. As with everything though, sneans is in the eye of the beholder. Sneakers themselves are having a resurgence led by this generation’s purveyors of cool, the Hadids, Jenners, Carters, Fenty and Lil Nas, and all of them pair them with jeans. The uglier the sneaker, the better. If I have to explain to you who any of those people are, you are probably wearing sneans.
I am literally wearing black skinny jeans and Stan Smiths right now. So I’m snean-ing?
Have you asked to see a manager in the last week? Have you uttered the words “you hate to see it” in a non-ironic fashion? Have you questioned the need for drug testing at festivals because drugs are illegal and you just shouldn’t be taking them? Are you still using Facebook? If you answered no to those questions, you are not sneaning.
So sneans are more of a state of mind than a fashion choice?
As with most things, yes. Also, if you use the word snean in any of its forms, you should probably dress solely in puffer jackets from now on. Also, you can probably give up on ever having sex again. May as well just prepare for the grave.
I’m actually looking for a new puffer jacket. If I wear it with these shoes will that be a snuffet?
You’ve probably just given Pyne his next column idea.
