TOTALLY FOXED
What will you be doing this weekend? The Fiver might contemplate the great uncontemplatable concepts that have dogged mankind since time began, gently musing on the human condition over a pleasant bottle of something fruity and some artisan street food. Other people call this “shouting at passers by from a bench, swigging from a plastic bottle of Tin and picking bits of gristle out of a burger bought from a van”, but it’s all about perception. Think positive. Be ambitious. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. The Fiver is positive. Looking up. Moving on.
After all, we have a role model in “previously useless no-hopers thought by most to be only heading one way, then achieving a dramatic turnaround partly thanks to some upbeat attitudes”. For Leicester, guided by the upbeat man’s upbeat man Claudio Ranieri, can win the league this weekend. Leicester City! Whose previous biggest triumph was winning the League Cup despite Steve Claridge’s inability to find a pair of socks that would stay up. Whose manager is so wonderfully adorable that the Fiver has been researching the possibility of adopting him as our dad, although we might have a bit of competition there. Whose story still manages to remain fairly feelgood and fuzzy despite having a few absolutely colossal flutes in their team, and not only advocating but encouraging Kasabian. If Claudio’s boys beat Manchester United on Sunday, which isn’t exactly the most outlandish prospect in the world, then it will be theirs. All theirs. What a thing. What a team. What a world.
And even then, they could still be dancing in the streets should Tottenham’s game against Chelsea on Monday evening go their way too. A shame for Spurs, but they will have the consolation of St Arsenalingham’s day, the first time in 21 years when they could finish above the lot from down the road, who have spent the last two decades being terribly smug about besting their rivals but have eventually been consumed by their own stubbornness, inactivity and hubris, sinking to a level of relative mediocrity that made this day inevitable.
Still, at least Arsène Wenger’s taken it all in his stride. Before their game against Norwich, the erstwhile professor who these days looks like a shuffling old schoolmaster who everyone watches sadly and says should’ve retired a few years ago, was asked why his team are about to turn in another season like all the others that have come before it. “We lost the championship at home against the lower teams,” he grumbled, the day before playing at home against one of the lower teams. “We have the best record against the top clubs – but we played at home in a very difficult climate. We have to realise that, away from home, we are championship winners [which isn’t actually true, but these are mere details]. At home, against the smaller teams, we lost the league. This club does have special values though and one I’ve experienced over the years is to stick together and support the team. There’s no success without that.”
Some might say that part-blaming the fans for the team’s failure, when you haven’t even got the consolation of beating Tottenham to cling to, and before a group of those fans are set to protest against you, is a pretty brassy move. Others might say it’s utterly dim-witted and a perfect example of the “nothing to see here, we’re doing fine, this isn’t our fault” attitude that has seen Arsenal stagnate to reach the point they’re at now.
“I know [the critics] well, and they have less character than this team have,” said Wenger, referring not terribly cryptically to a certain former tabloid editor who enjoys gobbing off about Arsenal on the internet. Some might say that saying your players are a level above Piers Morgan is the very definition of damning by faint praise. But we suppose that’s none of the Fiver’s business.
So what will you be doing this weekend Arsène? Overseeing your team to a 21-year low point and encouraging the ire of fans whose ire needed little encouraging in the first place? Cool.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Pardew is very smart in training but he’s too hot tempered in matches, so he even forgets how many substitutes are left. He told me to warm up, then we used all three substitutes, so I sat on the bench again. Five minutes later, he told me to warm up again so I told him there was no substitutes left. He just said: ‘Oh, sorry’” – (soon to be ex-) Crystal Palace midfielder Lee Chung-yong is none-too-impressed with Crystal Palace manager Alan Pardew.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Mark Clattenburg being ‘told of what games you’re doing by text’ (Yesterday’s Bits and bobs); I’ve heard of dialing in a performance but this has moved things on to a different level” – Billy Mac.
“Yesterday’s Fiver piece on Bobby M’s defence of his record at Everton over the past season reminds me of one of my favourite sayings, “you can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter” – Killian Barrins.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Riyad Mahrez says he is unaware of the worldwide focus on Leicester City. “Although we feel something is happening in England, but we live a little in our bubble,” said the forward. “These are the days of miracle and wonder, this is the long-distance call …” he didn’t add.
Adam Lallana is confident Liverpool can overturn their 1-0 deficit in the second leg of their Europa League semi-final at Anfield. “It will be a completely different game,” he mused, accurately.
Bournemouth manager Eddie Howe has tried to distance himself from speculation linking him with the presumably-soon-to-be-vacant Everton gig. “I love it here and I’m committed to the job,” he cheered.
Union leader Len McCluskey has accused Jack Straw of failing Hillsborough victims.
Michel Platini’s appeal against six-year football ban has begun at the court of arbitration for sport. “Today, we’re at the beginning of the game, a new game, in the final,” he said, stretching an already thin analogy way past breaking point.
Harry Redknapp has joined Central Coast Mariners as football consultant.
David Silva is out of Manchester City’s visit to Real Madrid with hamstring knack.
STILL WANT MORE?
Barney Ronay dons his tin hat and says: Uefa’s rules are wrong – Liverpool should not be in Europa League after Sakho’s failed test.
Paolo Bandini has been talking to the men who know Claudio Ranieri best: his former players. This is the rather wonderful result.
And Louise Taylor has written a tale of two Dannys – Drinkwater and Simpson.
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend? Ten things to look out for in the Premier League this weekend!
A hidden gem this: Rob Smyth on Mark Robins’s Golden Goal for Norwich City against Chelsea in 1992.
Burton are on the cusp of a remarkable promotion to the Championship. Jacob Steinberg gets the skinny.
Fabio Borini comparing himself to Thomas Müller: yes, that’s a thing now.
You are, quite literally, the ref.
Tim Hill marks your card for the MLS weekend ahead.
Test your knowledge of the week that was with our sports quiz of the week.
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