THE WHEELS COME OFF … AGAIN
It was rotten luck for Tottenham Hotspur when the Manchester United team bus got held up on the way to White Hart Lane because it gave Louis van Gaal even more time to come up with some cunning tactical ruses. A variety of enchanting possibilities floated through the Dutchman’s mind. Having quickly admonished himself for wondering whether to allow his team to muster more than one shot on target per half, instead he looked out the window and focused on the heavy traffic, just sitting back and letting its beauty wash all over him, the slow crawl, the clogged space, the lack of movement, the increasingly disgruntled drivers, the beeping horns that sounded like boos, the growing sense of frustration and rancour slowly encircling him, and he realised that he had been missing a trick all along. This was the way forward, so to speak, for his side.
Then Van Gaal peered out wide, at the pavement, where smiling pedestrians were happily strolling along, their paths unimpeded, fresh air in their lungs, unacceptable levels of merriment in their souls. The fools. Moving at such a pace to their destination meant that they weren’t giving themselves time to think about perfecting The Process. What could he learn from them? Nothing, that’s what. None of those skipping plebs would be clever enough to stick Ashley Young up front. But he would. Then they’d know who the clever one was. The wheels on the bus stay stationary, stationary, stationary, the wheels on the bus stay stationary, try to stay awake.
Seven hours later, however, Van Gaal was trying to work out why everyone was criticising him so much. Sure, United had displayed all the imagination of a lonely tea-time email’s tear-drenched pillow. Fine, Matteo Darmian had just driven the bus into a ditch. And yes, David de Gea had seen the ball fly past him three times in the space of six second-half minutes. But those were minor details. Only the intellectually challenged focus on irrelevant things such as results, excitement and drama, wilfully choosing to overlook United’s effortless sideways passing, their brilliant impersonation of a bus stuck in a traffic jam. What a manager, what a man, what a visionary. Try a bit harder, sheeple, eventually you might understand what it’s really about, yeah?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Leicester should answer the questions publicly, to explain this arrangement, which looks unusual to say the least, to reassure people it was not an attempt to evade the FFP rules” – Tory MP Damian Collins on the revelations unearthed by Proper Journalism’s David Conn surrounding Leicester City’s strange finances.
FIVER LETTERS
“Your KJV/Anglican Church-inspired biblical diatribe (Friday’s Fiver) did bring forth a few chuckles. Has The Fiver found salvation and what does this Revelation (pun intended) mean for the world as a whole? ‘And lo, the newsletter was funny and the Football did STOP?’ – Jonathan Alphonsus (and others).
“Now, I’m not for one second saying that I normally enjoy reading your daily tea-time footy digest, but at least it is tolerable when not written in middle ages style. I don’t want to read texts from those ages and I certainly don’t want to read my favourite (only) tea-time footy digest pretending to be from those ages. I didn’t actually have the heart/patience/desire to finish it so if there was a point to this it was missed by me. Please don’t do it again. Or I shall smite thee down” – Philip Leo.
“After many attempts to get The Fiver to get Basel/Basle/Baaarl right (having lived there for nine years) I have found a definitive guide to spelling/historic roots/pronunciation of the name. Perhaps the Italian/Romansh version of Basilea can get a look in now?” – Mark Bennett.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mark Bennett.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Get ready for Manchester City v PSG again, the mother of all Big Cup sheikh-downs.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
AC Jimbo and his pod squad are back for the latest edition of Football Weekly. Woof!
BITS AND BOBS
The London Legacy Development Corporation has been ordered to publish the details of its controversial deal with West Ham over the Olympic Stadium in full, following a failed appeal to the Information Tribunal.
Manchester City will face PSG in the second leg of their Big Cup quarter-final on Tuesday without knack’s Vincent Kompany.
Real Madrid are 2-0 down after their Big Cup first leg but He is not afraid of the big, bad Wolfsburg. “Tuesday will be a perfect night, it will be magical,” he pouted.
Spurs may still be seven points behind Leicester but Jan Vertonghen is so excited, and he just can’t hide it. “It is something I have never experienced before and we have to keep this together …and then nice things can happen,” he swooned.
Bolton skipper Darren Pratley has apologised to the club’s fans after their relegation to League One. “I am so sorry and I genuinely mean those words,” he sighed. “It’s certainly not going to be a case of going down and coming straight back up easily. It’s going to be tough and we need to start preparing now.”
Resigned Marseille fans have come up with a novel approach to criticising their side’s slapstick performances.
Yann M’Vila reckons Sunderland must beat Norwich on Saturday if they are to avoid the drop. “It’s like a derby, a cup final and we have to approach it like that,” he parped.
Jill Scott is convinced England will recover from their disappointing 1-1 draw with Belgium, in Tuesday’s Euro 2017 qualifier against Bosnia-Herzegovina. “I look to my left, I look to my right, and I think I’m around really good players, so it’s great to be involved with the squad at this time,” she crooned.
And Jens Keller will take over as Union Berlin coach next season. “I have found excellent conditions at Union Berlin,” he cheered. “The expectations of the club have been clearly stated to me and that was my wish as well.”
STILL WANT MORE?
This week’s 10 talking points from the Premier League, featuring Tottenham’s Secret Clogger and the undervalued jewel in Swansea’s great escape.
Barcelona have been dozing on the job in La Liga, writes Sid Lowe, and both Real and Atlético may catch them napping.
“Pippo’s little brother” has stepped out of his sibling’s shadow to make an encouraging start to life in the Lazio hot seat, reports Paolo Bandini.
A quick dip into the record books has unearthed Claudio Ranieri’s incarnation, 1980s style. Meet Osvaldo Bagnoli and the miracle of Hellas Verona.
And our USA! USA!! USA!!! desk chimes in with their MLS review, featuring a(nother) Nigel de Jong horror tackle and Bradley Wright-Phillips’s goal drought.
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