There are many reasons why you might wet yourself, but the best is laughter. I remember laughing so much at school that I frequently had to clutch my front bottom to stop the wee coming out. This was once triggered by the girl standing next to me farting very loudly during assembly – seriously, she let off as loudly as a trumpet at the precise moment we’d all finished singing a hymn. I still call this state of helpless incontinent hilarity “school assembly” laughter, and when I’m gigging, this is the Richter-scale level of laughter I’m after. I want to see every woman in the audience crossing her legs and clutching her front bottom.
In real life, of course, wetting yourself as an adult is the stuff of nightmares, immediately you are the primary school pant wetter, the girl who had to borrow a pair of knickers from the lost property box, oh the shame of it.
The fact is, losing control of your bladder can happen for all kinds of reasons, from simple timing issues, ie finding yourself locked out of the house and not being able to find your front door key, to suffering from various medical conditions that affect bladder control.
For some reason, adult female incontinence still tends to be a taboo subject, although there probably isn’t a female comic who hasn’t gone through motherhood without making an “every time I cough, I wet my pants” stress-incontinence gag. A few years ago, during a Grumpy Old Women Live show, I performed some menopausal material about having a go on a kids’ trampoline: “Thirty seconds later, I’d pissed myself, broken both my ankles and one tit had escaped its moorings,” I joshed. And judging by the reaction of the audience, a great many of them had been there, done that and had to go home to change their underwear.
In my experience, as long as we women are in control of the joke then we can laugh about it. It’s when other people (often younger and frequently male) take ownership of our physical frailties that it becomes embarrassing and somehow more shameful.
For many women over 50, a little bit of leaking now and then is a fact of life – many of us haven’t got the toned pelvic floors we once had, thanks mostly to having big headed babies, and while some of us will never need to use pads, others feel safer with some protection, “just in case”.
As a woman who has spent more than her fair share of time on the motorway sharing cars with other female performers, it has always surprised me how some women need to stop at a service station to use the loo every 20 minutes, while others manage a good five hundred miles without needing a wee.
The fact is that all bladders are different, some resemble oversized leather footballs, while others, like my friend Nina’s (I’ve changed her name) are thimble sized and made from gossamer. Nina has never managed to make it to the interval of any show without climbing over everyone’s laps to get to the ladies.
For a number of women, bladder training can be incredibly useful. A friend of mine swears blind that Princess Anne once informed her that “when one urinates, one must always sit for another 30 seconds after you think you’ve finished, as you inevitably haven’t, there’s usually a few drops more”. This is singly the best tip for anyone suffering from post-micturition dribble. Basically, slow down and give yourself time to do the job properly. Then “give your lettuce a good shake” as the old saying goes and remember to wipe from front to back, because we don’t want a yeast infection on top of everything else.
Lord knows, women are born with complicated plumbing and as we get older some of our pipework can start to drip now and then, but you know what? Unless you’re wearing a gusset of galvanised steel, there’s no reason why anyone should know.
Of course in the olden days women would rather die of shame than talk to anyone about bladder weakness, but one of the great things about being a 21st-century woman is that we know this kind of thing is common.
So remember girls, incontinence is not a moral weakness, it’s not laziness, it’s a fact of life for millions, so whatever you do, keep laughing and don’t let a little bit of wee spoil your fun.
As incontinence affects one in three women over 35, we should all be having more open conversations about this everyday condition that impacts women of all ages. Find out more at tena.co.uk/ageless
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