Hague: OK chaps, here's the briefing. You're going to fly in undercover at 0200 hours . . .
SAS: Couldn't we just get off the boat in daylight?
Hague: . . . then you're going to crawl through enemy lines . . .
SAS: There aren't any . . .
Hague: . . . and rendezvous with the rebel commanders at 0530 hours . . .
SAS: Wouldn't it just be easier to phone them? John Simpson has their number.
Hague: . . . and deliver a top-secret message.
SAS: What is it?
Hague: That Britain is completely behind them if they win but if the regime hangs on then we'll be officially grumpy before we resume oil trade links.
SAS: I think they've gathered that already.
Hague: Squad dismissed.
Cameron: Bad news, William. Our team has been held in Libya.
Hague: That's odd. I could have sworn I sent them to Venezuela.
Cameron: So what shall we do now?
Hague: I haven't a clue. I'm still only on page 83 of Bravo Two Zero.
Cameron: I have the utmost confidence in the foreign secretary.
Sir Menzies Campbell: No one else does. He's looking dog-tired and completely out of his depth.
Hague: That's not fair. It's just that nobody told me I'd have to stay up so late or there were so many foreign countries.
Prince Andrew: You'll get used to it. A lot of dictators turn out to be really nice blokes when you get to know them. What you really need to do right now is chill out a bit. You've been overdoing it. How about I call my friend with loads of hot chicks on tap who give a cracking massage?
Cameron: You're on a final warning HRH.
Osborne: You can't say that to Andy, Dave. It would be frightfully embarrassing to fall out with the Queen, and we might not get an invite to the wedding.
Cameron: I have the utmost confidence in Prince Andrew.
Clegg: Do you have the utmost confidence in me, too, Daddy?
Cameron: Of course I do, Cleggster.
Clegg: Then why have you arranged for me to be surrounded by a ring of steel at the Lib Dem spring conference?
Cameron: To make sure you don't get mobbed by all your admirers.
Clegg: You're so sweet, Daddy. I love you so much.
