That was a game of three thirds. West Ham were superior for the first half hour, Spurs were magnificent either side of half-time to go 3-0 up - but they had to survive a late onslaught after the sending off of Serge Aurier. Thanks for your company, you can follow all the 3pm games here.
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Full time: West Ham 2-3 Tottenham Hotspur
Spurs have held on to win their third consecutive away game in the league this season.
90+6 min Yellow cards all round: Carroll, Llorente and, I think, Alderweireld.
90+5 min It’s all kicking off now! It started with a foul by Carroll on someone, and now players on both sides are shoving each other. It’s a bit more than manbags, though I don’t think any punches were thrown. Chicharito, who has already been booked, might be in trouble.
90+3 min Ayew is booked for a lunge at Davies.
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90+2 min Carroll’s long-range shot deflects behind for another corner. Cresswell curls a lovely outswinger towards the far post, where Carroll arrives imperiously ... and then heads the ball away from goal! He ended up ahead of the ball. Did he mistime his run or was he shoved by Sanchez? Carroll thinks the latter. There was some contact, but it’s hard to judge whether it was enough for a penalty.
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90+1 min There will be four minutes of added time. Spurs suddenly looked ragged.
90 min Masuaku, who has made a significant impact on the left wing since coming on, wins a corner for West Ham. Cresswell takes it short to Masuaku, gets the return and stands up a gentle, deep cross that Lloris can only fingertip towards the right corner of the box. Reid runs round the ball and wallops it into orbit. He should have lifted that back into the area before Lloris was out of his goal.
89 min For Spurs, a cheery stroll has turned into a grim struggle for survival. They make their final substitution, with Fernando Llorente replacing the magnificent Harry Kane.
GOAL! West Ham 2-3 Tottenham (Kouyate 87)
Oh my. Is something brilliant happening? Masuaku beats Winks on the left and curls in a beautiful cross to the far post. Kouyate attacks it at pace, gets above Davies and thumps a memorable header through the leaping Lloris. That was a brilliant goal.
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82 min Carroll, who has had an absolute beast since coming on, ruins a promising attack with a needless foul on Davies.
81 min Chicharito is booked for a foul on Dier. Spurs are pretty comfortable, even with 10 men.
80 min Alli and Kane break dangerously for Spurs, but Alli can’t find the moment or angle for a shot and the danger passes. Moments later, Kouyate is booked for something or orher.
79 min Chicharito’s volleyed backflick hits Sanchez in the chest. While everyone is appealing for a penalty Chicharito collects the loose ball and smashes a shot from 15 yards that is beaten away by Lloris. Had that been anywhere near either corner I think he’d have scored.
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78 min Another Spurs change: Kieran Trippier replaces Mohamed Sissoko at right wing-back.
77 min Carroll drags a shot well wide from the edge of the area. West Ham have been far too excitable since Spurs went down to 10 men.
75 min “It’s nice to see there’s at least one cavernous, divisive London stadium in which Spurs can win,” honks Matt Dony.
74 min A substitution apiece: Harry Winks for Christian Eriksen, and Arthur Masuaku for Jose Fonte. West Ham have gone to a back four, Spurs are now playing a 3-5-1 formation.
73 min West Ham need to calm down a bit. The red card has given them fresh hope, but they’ve been a little giddy in the few minutes since, hammering cross and shots from all angles.
71 min Spurs have moved Sissomo to right wing-back in a 3-3-2-1 formation.
SERGE AURIER IS SENT OFF!
70 min He’s an accident waiting to happen, this chap. He lunged at Carroll, who was leading a West Ham break, and a second yellow card was a reasonable decision from Michael Oliver.
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68 min Noble crosses from a deep position on the right to Hernandez, who strains his neck muscles like a cuckolded Bruce Banner to power a header towards goal from 15 yards. It’s too close to Lloris, who saves comfortably, but it was a good effort.
67 min “To be fair Rob, Danny is right,” says Alistair Donegan. “West Ham look a bit poo.”
They do now. I thought they were the better team for half an hour.
66 min Andre Ayew replaces Marko Arnautovic for West Ham.
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GOAL! West Ham 1-3 Tottenham Hotspur (Chicharito 65)
West Ham have got one back. Cresswell’s excellent corner is headed across goal by Fonte, and Chicharito backpedals into space to head in from four yards. A classic Chicharito goal.
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64 min Serge Aurier has been asking for a yellow card all day and now he’s got one for a foul on Carroll.
63 min Kane hits the other post! He ran at Reid on the left side of the box, shifted the ball down the line and cracked an early left-footed shot that rattled off the outside of the post. It seems Hart got a slight touch with his right foot as a corner has been given.
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62 min Spurs were subdued for half an hour, but since the goal they have been quietly majestic. They are such a lovely team to watch. All right-thinking neutrals should want them to win the league this year.
GOAL! West Ham 0-3 Spurs (Eriksen 60)
Game over. Kane, on a hat-trick, hits the post with a sensational free-kick, whacked across goal from an absurd angle on the left. The ball comes to Aurier, whose deflected cross bounces nicely for Eriksen to sidefoot a classy half-volley into the corner from 15 yards.
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56 min Sissoko slides a straight pass into the area for Alli, who tries a clever turn back inside Reid and goes over. His penalty appeals are ignored by Michael Oliver. I thought Reid got something on the ball but replays show he didn’t. Whether he got enough of Alli to warrant a penalty is debatable; you could also argue that the sharpness of the turn was the main reason for Alli going down.
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54 min This game is really open now, with West Ham trying to rough Spurs up. The next goal feels even more important than usual. This game could conceivably end 3-2 or 0-6.
52 min West Ham are starting to lump a few crosses into the area for Carroll. So far Spurs have dealt with him comfortably.
49 min Eriksen fouls Noble just outside the area on the right. Cresswell dinks in the free-kick and Vertonghen heads clear. Spurs break three-on-two only for Alli to overrun the ball.
48 min Arnautovic and Cresswell combine to win a corner. It’s headed away by Alderweireld.
47 min “Not sure what game you’re watching to call this scoreline a lie - West Ham had some dangerous looking runs into the box early on but no clear chances to speak of (Aurier’s hands on Arnautovic during his brilliant tackle would have been a soft penalty to give),” says Danny Michaux. “Spurs usually take a while to find a rhythm, and since Kane’s offside miss 25 minutes they’ve looked comfortably in control, even more so since Antonio came off injured.”
Cheers Danny. I don’t know if I could this do this without you.
46 min West Ham begin the second half, kicking from right to left.
Half time: West Ham 0-2 Tottenham Hotspur
There are lies, damned lies and this half-time scoreline, but Spurs won’t care about that. Harry Kane scored twice in four minutes to flatten a buoyant West Ham, who have a job on to get anything out of the game. See you in 10 minutes for the second half.
45+1 min “Arnautovic + Carroll, time for some kick and rush?” says Yoann Lechenault. “Come on England, we know you want it!”
45 min Alli flips a lovely pass with the outside of the foot to usher Davies towards goal. He gets on the inside of the last man Zabaleta, who just does enough to ensure Davies can’t get a clear run at the ball. That was excellent, if slightly desperate defending.
43 min Spurs, so subdued until they scored, are now swaggering around like they own the place. West Ham looked a bit stunned, not unreasonably, and desperately need to hear the half-time bell.
41 min Kane demonstrates his stratospheric confidence by shooting from a ridiculous angle on the left, curling the ball across goal and a few yards wide. Hart had it covered.
39 min West Ham have been mugged.
GOAL! West Ham 0-2 Tottenham (Kane 38)
Harry Kane gets another one! Eriksen and Vertonghen combined smoothly down the left to o put Alli through on goal. His first-time shot was well saved by the outrushing Hart but it rebounded straight to Kane, who had an open goal from 12 yards.
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GOAL! West Ham 0-1 Tottenham (Kane 34)
Spurs take the lead against the run of play with an excellent goal. Eriksen, picking up a loose pass from Carroll just past the halfway line, puts Alli clear down the right with a fine angled pass. He takes a touch and clips a fast cross towards the near post, where Kane stretches to flash a header in off the far post. That was clinical: from the moment Carroll played a poor pass on the halfway line Spurs needed just five touches to score.
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33 min Arnatuovic’s long, dipping free-kick hits the arm of Aurier, who mistimed his attempted header. There were no real appeals for a penalty by West Ham.
32 min Noble ploughts through Sissoko, taking man and ball, and the players square up to each other. The excellent Michael Oliver sorts it out with the minimum of fuss and the two players shake hands.
31 min Eriksen plays a brilliant cutback to find Kane in space in the D. He tees himself up and hits a fierce shot that is crucially blocked by Fonte.
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29 min “Well, Rob,” says Paul Neilan. “What’s the Sissoko situation? Where/how/why/who/which is he playing? We must know this information(s).”
He’s playing as a kind of inside-right midfielder in a loose 3-3-3-1 formation.
28 min Carroll does replace Antonio, so Chicharito will presumably move to the wing. Unless Andy Carroll is going to roam up and down the flank like an inverted Ormondroyd.
27 min Antonio is struggling with what looks like a thigh injury, and Andy Carroll is going to replace him.
24 min Harry Kane misses an open goal, though it wouldn’t have counted. Spurs worked the ball neatly until Sissoko eased a through pass to Aurier on the right of the area. He blasted the ball towards the far post, where the partially unsighted Kane diverted it wide from three yards. Just as hundreds of non-Spurs fans were deliriously preparing some banter, the linesman’s flag went up to thwart them.
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22 min “So wrapped up as I am in my own team’s looming crisis I have lost track of the repercussions of Alli’s finger-gate,” says Ian Copestake. “Did he get a rap on his knuckle?”
No idea. I’ve developed a sophisticated internet tool that blocks anything with even a whiff of faux outrage.
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20 min Spurs aren’t playing well, though much of that is down to the quality of West Ham’s defending and counter-attacking.
19 min Arnautovic runs at Alderweireld and wafts a poor cross straight out of play. He is getting in some dangerous positions, though, and has been the most threatening attacker on either side.
16 min West Ham break and Noble curves a superb long pass towards Arnautovic. He rumbles thrillingly into the area, between Aurier and Alderweireld, before Aurier makes a brilliant recovery tackle. I say brilliant: replays showed he had a fair chunk of Arnautovic’s shirt as he did so. That should have been a penalty.
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15 min The game has been pretty low on intensity for a derby, certainly when compared to the match at Ibrox. West Ham look slightly sharper at the moment.
13 min Eriksen’s deflected shot is shovelled over the bar by Hart, who didn’t risk trying to catch it as it dropped out of the sky. Nothing happens from the corner.
11 min Antonio drags a through ball towards Arnautovic, and Lloris hares from his area to clear.
8 min West Ham are starting to play some good stuff. Chicharito plays a one-two with Antonio and whips an extravagant, long-range curler onto the roof of the net. Lloris had it covered but it was a decent effort.
6 min Spurs seem to be playing more of a 3-3-3-1 formation, with Dier just in front of the three defenders and Sissoko, Eriksen and Alli playing behind Kane. Tactics are so damn hot right now.
5 min Arnautovic beats Alderweireld with a stepover on the left side of the box and drives a dangerous low cross that is cleared from inside the six-yard box by the stretching Sanchez.
3 min Spurs have started confidently, with some smooth passing in the West Ham half. Alli plays a through pass round the corner to himself, in a manner that evokes Dimitar Berbatov’s awesome goal against Charlton all those years ago, and Cresswell comes across to cover.
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1 min Spurs kick off, from right to left as I look at my 23-inch HD TV screen. They are in white; West Ham are wearing claret and blue.
Opta stats show that West Ham fans are precisely 0.00 per cent enamoured of Tottenham Hotspur, and there’s a decent atmosphere at the London Stadium as a consequence.
“It might indeed get nawty - which, naturally, turned my thoughts to Danny Dyer,” writes Gary Naylor. “Twelve years ago, he was brilliant in The Business, a film that more pseudo-highbrows than just me treasure as a guilty pleasure. So, betting without Wilson Phillips and the OC, what’s yours Rob?”
Good question, Gartholomew. Does Masterchef count? When I was a twentysomething kid my guiltiest cinematic pleasures were crap postmodern slashers and the American Pie films, though I reckon I could still go into bat for the American Pies. The slashers, not so much.
Actually, my guiltiest pleasure these days is probably aggro in sport, although it’s a strange, confusing kind of guilt.
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This isn’t the only early kick-off today. The Old Firm derby is taking place at Ibrox, and you can follow that with Barry Glendenning.
Team news
West Ham (3-4-3) Hart; Fonte, Reid, Ogbonna; Zabaleta, Kouyate, Noble, Cresswell; Antonio, Chicharito, Arnautovic.
Substitutes: Adrian, Masuaku, Byram, Rice, Ayew, Carroll, Sakho.
Spurs (3-4-2-1) Lloris; Alderweireld, Sanchez, Vertonghen; Aurier, Sissoko, Dier, Davies; Eriksen, Alli; Kane.
Substitutes: Vorm, Trippier, Walker-Peters, Winks, Nkoudou, Son, Llorente.
Preamble
Hello and welcome to live coverage of the lunchtime meeting between the homesick henries of the Premier League. Spurs have away advantage against West Ham, and really need a win to keep the Mancunian pacemakers within sight. The next few weeks are likely to determine whether Spurs will challenge for the title again, or whether this will become a bit of a lost season in which they end up focussing on the cups.
West Ham have started to pick up after a difficult start to the season, though Slaven Bilic still has reason to look over his shoulder. And he keeps having those weird dreams about Rafa Benitez and Anne Boleyn. Both sides need a result, they don’t like each other, and Tottenham want to avenge the May defeat that ended their title challenge. It should be lively, it might be nawty; it kicks off at 12.30pm.
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