Summary
In truth, neither team were spectacular tonight, but one man made the difference. Dimitri Payet. He was sublime tonight, scoring twice, but also showed good discipline alongside Noble and Kouyate to give West Ham an excellent defensive shape once they did get in front. Wijnaldum, Perez, Sissoko and Thauvin never had a sniff, never mind the woeful Cisse.
Payet has now created the second most chances in the league this year and has fired West Ham up to fifth. Three wins, two defeats. One wouldn’t expect them to get a result at Manchester City on Saturday, but after their results at Anfield and the Emirates, who knows?
Janmaat aside, Newcastle were dreadful. Steve McClaren looks like he has a lot of work to do. How long until we start hearing those same old boos ring out from the Toon Army?
@michaelbutler18 Mac's Newcastle are carrying on where Mac's Derby left off last year. All possession, no goals.
— Ian Cluroe (@icluroe) September 14, 2015
Thanks for reading, and for your emails and tweets. See ya!
Full-time: West Ham 2-0 Newcastle United
Newcastle’s worst start to a league season for 10 years. They are bottom of the league, West Ham are up to fifth.
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90+2 min: “You can’t fault Newcastle for effort,” mumbles Alan Smith on commentary. Really, Alan? The effort barometer isn’t really the one you should be paying attention to here.
“Alan Smith’s interventions are not particularly enlightening,” emails Ted Maul. “To whom do I complain? We pay for this service after all.” I think you just complained to me, Ted.
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90 min: Three minutes added on.
88 min: Carroll is on! And given a very warm reception by the home fans, let’s just say that Newcastle’s lot aren’t so kind. His first appearance in seven months! Forget giving it to Payet, put it in the mixer West Ham!
They duly oblige, and Carroll clatters into Krul who had caught the ball cleanly. Free-kick. Aaaahhh, it’s good to have him back.
85 min: West Ham come forward again, Jenkinson squaring the ball to Reid (!!!) on the edge of Newcastle’s box. Reid shoots first time, the ball is half-blocked and so nearly falls to Sakho, but Krul comes out bravely to smother the ball.
Steve McClaren looks thoroughly dejected on the sidelines, as does his assistant, Paul Simpson.
I was totally unaware that Paul Simpson was on the Newcastle bench (though it explains a lot), but any mention of him deserves a mention of his song during an ill-fated period as player/manager of Rochdale. His tendency to shoot lead to this particular ditty:
“When the ball his the stand,
It’s not Griffiths or Grand [our clumping centre-half Simons],
It’s Paul Simpson…”
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82 min: Could Victor Moses be any more Victor Moses? He breaks away at pace down the left, shows some nifty footwork, but is then painfully unaware of the easy pass to Payet on the edge of the area. Payet was screaming for the ball, but Moses instead tried (unsuccessfully) to beat his marker, Mbemba. Wasteful.
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80 min: Newcastle suddenly looks quite interested. Cisse, who has had a woeful evening, air-kicks a overhead kick from a Aarons cross, but Perez collects the loose ball and squares the ball to De Jong, whose shot oh-so-nearly loops over Randolph – the keeper just getting his fingers to it to tip it over. This is too little, too late, surely?
77 min: Newcastle make their final change: Rolando Aarons replaces Gini Wijnaldum.
75 min: Mbemba comes strongly in on Obiang, winning the ball, but possibly catching the Spaniard with the follow through. Bilic is incensed on the sidelines, but Newcastle pour forward, Janmaat again getting a shot off. It’s weak, though and Randolph collects.
73 min: I can definitely see West Ham grabbing a third here, hitting the visitors on the break. Sakho twists and turns but his shot is blocked by Mbemba. Newcastle seem devoid of ideas going forward, Wijnaldum and Anita both crossing waywardly with Cisse nowhere to be seen.
71 min: Jenkinson gets forward well and reaches the byline but blasts a cross so powerfully across goal that Sakho had no chance of reaching it. Nearly took his head off actually.
69 min: Perez clips the heels of Noble right on the edge of Newcastle’s box. Noble fell well inside the area, but contact was just outside. Good decision. Creswell is over it – remember that beauty he scored against Stoke here last season? – but he can only find the side netting from the set-piece. Krul was scrambling to reach that had it been on target.
67 min: From the resulting corner, Wijnaldum swings it in towards the back post towards Perez, but Coloccini gets in the way of the substitute! Perez would have had a free header from seven yards out!
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66 min: Janmaat has been Newcastle most threatening player for Newcastle tonight, which says more about the performances of his team-mates than his own individual showing. He flashes a shot towards Randolph’s near post, but the former Birmingham man is equal to it, turning it behind.
63 min: Obiang should sit the deepest of West Ham’s new midfield three: behind Noble and Kouyate. Although if West Ham score another without reply, Newcastle will be rock bottom of the Premier League this evening.
61 min: No sign of Carroll yet, although plenty of time left.
“I had kind of forgotten that Andy Carroll was at West Ham,” emails Kári Tulinius. “Not because I thought he’d been traded away, but because I’d forgotten that Andy Carroll was an actual footballer, and not just a free-floating signifier employed to make jokey asides and unflattering comparisons. Anyway, I hope he comes on and finally scores with a bicycle kick, like he sometimes tries to do.”
59 min: Coming up to the hour mark and it’s time for some substitutions. Siem de Jong and Ayoze Perez replace Vurnon Anita and Florian Thauvin for Newcastle, whilst Lanzini makes way for Obiang for the home side.
56 min: This time it is Newcastle’s turn to break, Sissoko striding clear. However, his pass back to Janmaat is short, and Kouyate nips in, before being clattered by the Dutchman. Yellow card Janmaat. Frustrating for McClaren, wasted an opportunity to catch West Ham on the hop there.
54 min: “You have to love these quality gems playing outside the title challengers, skilled artisans like Payet, Ayew and Mahrez,” emails Kevin Lee. “It shows there’s value to be had without paying mind-boggling 50 million pounds for a single player.”
Hoolahan? Tadic? Yep.
52 min: Payet dances. Newcastle stand off. They are absolutely terrified of him, especially when he’s in the box.
50 min: Thauvin wins another corner for Newcastle, is another West Ham goal on the cards then? Nope, the ball is cleared as far as Janmaat on the edge of the box, and the 26-year-old slices a shot harmlessly wide.
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GOAL! West Ham 2-0 Newcastle (Payet 48)
Newcastle didn’t learn from the end of the first half, when they were hit on the break, with Payet putting Moses through on goal. This time, from their own free-kick, they come undone again. Moses latches onto a long clearance, his pace absolutely electric. First he outmuscles Haidara, then shapes to shoot before feinting inside on his right. He cracks his shot against the underside of the bar, and the ball bounces out and Payet is there to neatly tuck away the rebound. That was not an easy finish, both Krul and Anita were scrambling to clear that off the line, but he picked his spot well.
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47 min: Janmaat is brought to the deck by Reid, who could have been booked, but wasn’t … yet again another terrible delivery. West Ham on the break …
Peeep! We’re off again.
PIC: The Boys of '86 go back onto the Boleyn Ground turf at half time. #WHUFC #WHUNEW #COYI #FarewellBoleyn pic.twitter.com/V0Jz52441x
— West Ham United FC (@whufc_official) September 14, 2015
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Meanwhile, across town …
Told Katie Hopkins to fuck off in Soho earlier on... Great afternoon
— Thomas Turgoose (@ThomasTurgoose1) September 14, 2015
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Half-time: West Ham 1-0 Newcastle
Everything that Payet has done, he’s done with aplomb. From his fantastic goal to that ridiculous bit of skill to the through ball to Moses, he is a huge talent. And even if you think he comes across as a bit flash, there is always an end product, which is more than you can say for some of the others on the pitch – Moses, Wijnaldum, etc.
Although he is a bit scared by bubbles.
Lol Payet getting abit scared of a bubble. #whufc #coyi pic.twitter.com/9fYQKQHfcw
— JAY EMM EEE (@JamieLJLewis) September 14, 2015
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45 min: One minute added on here before the break.
43 min: Corner to Newcastle but another poor delivery means that they are immediately on the back foot as West Ham break. Payet is one-on-one with Janmaat at the back but rather than take him on, he waits for support. Moses comes haring up the outside, Payet duly obliges with a perfectly waited through pass … wide. The on-loan winger took a touch and shanked it.
40 min: Janmaat boots a ball up field, and Wijnaldum wins the foot race with Ogbonna to retrieve the ball. The move breaks down, but Ogbonna has collapsed to the deck, clutching his hamstring. He’s going to have to go off, Jenkinson will come on, with Tomkins moving into central defence from right back.
38 min: Creswell, so often a threat going forward, seems more than happy to just back and let Moses do his thing, standing up Janmaat before delivering two terrible crosses in quick succession.
Nice Creswell stat: the left-back has played every minute of West Ham’s Premier League matches since he signed for the club at the beginning of LAST season.
36 min: Wijnaldum has barely been in the game. Cisse has been starved of any room. Newcastle need a bit more craft. Where is Perez? Wasn’t he Newcastle’s player of the year last season?
32 min: There is a little bit of frustration creeping into West Ham’s game, and there are a few murmurings of disquiet in the stands, as Ogbonna resorts to a aimless hoof up field. Newcastle are dominating possession, with West Ham happy to sit behind the ball and break with pace. Thing is, they’re not breaking with any quality. Game has gone a bit stale.
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29 min: Colback is shows a yellow card for bringing a West Ham counter-attack to an abrupt halt, sending Kouyate crashing to the turf. Deserved.
26 min: “To me the Reece Oxford reaction was just the usual insane media hype,” emails Peter Crosby. “He’s 16! He had one good game (that we know of)! Against Arsenal! So he must be good! And he’s English! Just let the lad alone and if he’s still in the sport in 10 years we’ll know by then if he’s any good or not.”
Where’s the fun in that? Some of us have to make a living out of hyperbole and transfer rumours Peter.
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24 min: Payet has just done a backheel flick thing to completely leave his marker for dead. That is utter filth, who is going to call Sissoko’s family?
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22 min: Carroll and West Ham new boy Jelavic get their bums off the bench and go for a jog and a stretch. The home fans give them a clap. That’s nice.
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19 min: Good save by Randolph! This is a golden chance for Newcastle. Janmaat cuts inside from the right, but Creswell gets a toe poke – it hits Wijnaldum in the shins and bounces perfectly back to Janmaat, who has run in behind the defence. It is on the Dutchman’s weaker left foot and his shot is too central, well saved by the feet of Randolph.
18 min: Moses turns Janmaat inside out on the left touchline and drives to the byline, cutting back to Sakho. The Senegalese, hovering on the penalty spot, has his back to goal and can’t get his shot off. Lanzini has a try instead, well wide.
17 min: “How does a professional team in the Most Popular League in the World™, earning millions of pounds a year, paying players multi-thousands of pounds per week, arrive for a game 45 minutes before the schedule start and only give its players 25 minutes to warm up?” asks Ted Storer, from Indiana. “That is high school shenanigans in the US.” Sat Navs, Ted, Sat Navs.
“Because M25”, replies Tim Gibson.
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15 min: Corner to West Ham, Payet to take. I like how he seems to take responsibility for everything in this Hammers team. Nobody seems to question it, despite only joining in the summer. Mario Balotelli did that last night for Milan against Internazionale, coming off the bench taking every corner, free-kick. And you know what? He was pretty good in the 20 mins or so he was on the pitch.
12 min: Newcastle are enjoying the majority of possession but are can’t fashion any space inside West Ham’s half, both Kouyate and Noble are sticking to their defensive tasks well. Haidara tries a shot from range, well closed down from Tomkins, who is filling in at right-back tonight.
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GOAL! West Ham 1-0 Newcastle (Payet 9)
Anita didn’t get close enough then … Sakho and Noble exchange passes neatly on the edge of Newcastle’s box and as the visitor’s defence is drawn to the former’s run into the box, a huge pocket of space opens up on the edge. Noble squares the ball to Payet, who sidefoots the ball first time into the top-right hand corner of the net. Postage-stamp stuff. What a lovely goal, he measured that superbly.
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7 min: Sissoko wins a corner, which is terribly taken by Thauvin. Didn’t clear the first man!
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6 min: Anita is sticking to Payet like white on rice, and shoulder barges West Ham’s No27 to the ground. The Dutchman is just 5ft6in but he’s a strong physical presence in that defensive midfield role. He’ll need all that stockiness, Payet is no beanpole either.
4 min: “Perhaps the Toon will pick up some casual armchair support this evening” my colleague Philip Cornwall emails, after pointing out that an away win for Newcastle tonight would mean that Chelsea drop into the bottom three.
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2 min: Payet latches onto a clearance and sprints down the left touchline. He is mighty quick, but seems to skim across the field, his knees barely lifting. He cuts inside well, but can’t find Sakho, who was busting a nut to get up with play.
So it turns out Newcastle only arrived at Upton Park 45 mins ago and only started their warm-ups at 7.35pm BST. Anyone for a pulled hammy early on? My money is on Coloccini.
Peeeep! And we’re off!
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The teams are coming out of the tunnel: West Ham in their traditional claret and blue, Newcastle in their black and white. The home fans are blowing bubbles. Let’s do this!
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Here are some more photos to get you in the mood.
Newcastle have had some trouble getting to the Boleyn Ground due to traffic, but they’ve arrived, and there will not be a delay to the kick-off. Not ideal preparation though for the north-east club.
“Reece was badly out of touch against Leicester.,” emails Chris Lovell. “I suspect Bilic will go with two holding midfielders today and Oxford won’t get a sniff with Noble, Kouyate and Obiang all ahead of him.
“Either that, or he had Bilic’s car out past curfew on the weekend and is being grounded?”
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Fresh from being mercilessly linked with a move to Manchester City in today’s Rumour Mill, West Ham have left Reece Oxford out of the match-day squad all-together. The two may or may not be related.
Seriously though, what has happened to him? Is this just Bilic taking him out of the firing line, or is he injured? Do get in touch for any Oxford/pre-match/what you’re having for dinner thoughts: michael.butler@theguardian.com or @michaelbutler18.
Team news:
West Ham: Randolph, Reid, Tomkins, Ogbonna, Cresswell, Noble, Kouyate, Lanzini, Moses, Sakho, Payet. Subs: Carroll, Jenkinson, Obiang, Collins, Jelavic, Antonio, Spiegel.
VicMo gets his first start for the Hammers. Andy Carroll is back on the bench, as are Jelavic and Antonio, freshly plucked from the Championship – both could make their debuts. If you’re wondering where Adrían is, he’s suspended.
Newcastle: Krul, Janmaat, Mbemba, Coloccini, Haidara, Anita, Colback, Sissoko, Wijnaldum, Thauvin, Cisse. Subs: De Jong, Gouffran, Obertan, Lascelles, Aarons, Perez, Darlow.
If you’re wondering where Mitrovic is, he’s suspended. Obviously. Other than Cissé coming into the starting XI for the tempestuous Serbian striker, Newcastle are unchanged from the team that faced Arsenal.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
Preamble
Goodness knows what the bookies make of this one. So far in the Premier League, West Ham have played four, comprehensively beaten both Arsenal and Liverpool away from home, and lost on their own patch to Leicester and Bournemouth. Despite going out to Astra Giurgiu in the Europa League qualifying round, fans seemed content with the start, optimistic even. Newcastle spent over £52m over the summer, are yet to win a match, but were most recently clapped off the pitch by their own fans after losing at home to Arsenal. Funny business, this.
This is hardly a blockbuster dose of Monday Night Football but it’s certainly intriguing. “Lanzini is a wizard mate, so silky” a friend of mine exclaimed at five-a-side last week. He certainly looked good at Liverpool, but why has he been loitering in the middle east with Al Jazira for the last year or so? “Payet is a player” my cousin remarked at a wedding last month, fresh from watching some brief highlights on MOTD. He may have skinned Koscielny and Coutinho and scored a nice goal against Leicester but why has the man who has been on fire (and who had more assists than any other player in Europe’s top five leagues last year) left out of the latest France squad? All the answers – all of them – will be unequivocally answered tonight. “Obiang looks decent,” another quipped. Not really. Nobody apart from Paolo Bandini really knows anything about the former Sampdoria defensive midfielder. West Ham’s co-chairman David Gold didn’t know what he looked like. But apparently he shuts down the space well, at least until Alex Song recovers from injury.
Absolutely nobody has been hotly anticipating the reunion between Newcastle’s Steve ‘Wally with the Brolly McClaren’ and West Ham’s Slaven Bilić, following the latter’s 2007 duping of the former in that fateful Euro qualifying match, but we’ve dragged up a narrative to make things interesting. Hope you enjoy it.
Kick-off: 8pm BST
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