FULL TIME: West Ham United 1-3 Crystal Palace
The impressive-looking Nene, coming in from the right, curls one towards the bottom left. Speroni, scrambling, palms round the post, and the corner’s the last kick of the match. And that’s your lot. West Ham couldn’t turn all that late pressure into a second goal. But Palace deserved their win. They were excellent in the middle portion of this match, and move above Everton into 12th place. West Ham meanwhile have now gone six without a win, and stay in eighth, in danger of being overhauled by Swansea later today. Big Sam’s behemoth rollercoaster / log flume needs to take an upward turn, and quickly.
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90 min +4: The away fans are confident enough to strike up a chorus of Super Alan Pardew. That’ll hurt the home support all right.
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90 min +3: Kouyate challenges Speroni, the ball coming down with snow on from the left. The keeper wins the crucial battle, catching the cross, the clock ticking on.
90 min +2: Jenkinson probes a couple of times down the right, but can’t prise Palace open. Downing nearly does so, with a slippy pass down the same flank, but Kouyate, looking to break into the box, miscontrols instead of getting a shot away.
90 min +1: Nene makes good down the right, but earns nothing more exciting than a throw.
90 min: A ball bouncing around the Palace area. Kouyate falls on the edge of the six-yard box. Screams for a penalty kick, though none from the player himself. There will be five added minutes of this magnificently deranged entertainment.
89 min: West Ham are pinning ten-man Palace back, but the clock is not their friend now. Another floaty right-wing cross is met by Sakho, but not with any real power. His header drifts into the grateful hands of Speroni.
87 min: Sakho cuts into the Palace area from the left, but loses control, allowing Jedinak to batter clear. The Palace captain then crumps a cheeky elbow on the side of Sakho’s noggin. What a clown. That could, and should, be a red card. But wasn’t spotted, and isn’t.
86 min: Brief respite for Palace, with a lot of fannying around. And then, out of nothing, Valencia bursts down the inside left and, 30 yards out, launches a screamer towards the top right. It’s swerving around all over the shop, but it’ll be screeching and dropping into the top right. Speroni reads it marvellously and palms the ball out for a corner, a full-length save of extreme brilliance. Great football all round! The set piece? Not so great.
84 min: Jenkinson romps down the right and fires a low ball to the near post, where Koutaye slides in late on Delaney. Free kick, and a chance for Palace to run the clock down. Delaney grabs that opportunity too keenly, though, kicking the ball away with some purpose, and earning himself a yellow card. This is tense. Who’d have thought the match would end like this when Palace’s third goal went in?
83 min: Palace attempt to shore things up a bit by swapping Bolasie for Ledley.
82 min: Palace are all over the shop. Noble slides a ball down the inside-right channel to release Jenkinson into the area. The full back looks to sidefoot into the bottom right, but Speroni saves at point-blank range. Corner, from which Downing, on the right-hand edge of the box, slams a low shot into the side netting. Another West Ham goal here, and oh me, oh my.
79 min: Yes, it’s attack versus defence all right, and the denizens of Upton Park smell a drop of blood. Nene romps into space down the right, and hits a cross into the area at 497mph. The ball pings off Sakho’s head, and over the bar from ten yards. What an effort to even meet that cross! Not totally surprising that getting it on target was a pipe dream. Palace are panicking.
78 min: It’s attack versus defence now, with West Ham’s tails up. Jenkinson drops a shoulder to power down the right, and whips a Power Cross towards the far post. In fact, he almost Koncheskys it into the top left! It would have been a total fluke of a goal, but it was a stunningly good cross. Nobody in to meet it, sadly for West Ham. And that’s a goal kick.
GOAL! West Ham United 1-3 Crystal Palace (Valencia 76)
Downing is in space, to the right of the Palace D. A chance to take a shot, but he’s not in the mood, and slides gently inside to Valencia instead. Valencia is not so shy, and batters a low effort into the bottom left from the right-hand corner of the D. Marvellous shot! What an effort! And this game is suddenly back on!
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75 min: Sakho dribbles with purpose down the inside-right channel and gets a snapshot away, looking for the bottom right from a tight spot. Deflected. Corner, from which Reid takes a slash from the edge of the box. That’s deflected, too.
73 min: Downing meanders down the right, before sailing a high ball towards the far post. It’s not much of a cross, really, no speed on it. Valencia and Sakho put the tin lid on it by clattering into each other in a futile attempt to get a head to the ball.
72 min: Zaha jigs down the right. He’s attracted three West Ham defenders towards him, and as a result Puncheon is totally free in the middle, on the edge of the area. But Zaha holds onto the ball too long, and his eventual cross is easily deflected out for a throw. And that’s Zaha’s last contribution to this afternoon’s entertainment, as he’s hooked for Ameobi, who does indeed get a run out despite Murray’s clumsiness and stupidity.
RED CARD! Murray (Crystal Palace)
69 min: Palace were about to swap Murray for Ameobi. Too late! Murray comes across the front of Reid as the pair challenge for a ball in the West Ham box. He’s clipped the defender clumsily, and knows exactly what’s going to happen, falling to the ground holding his head, annoyed with himself. A second yellow, and Palace are down to ten men! FFS Murray indeed.
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68 min: Sheer brilliance from the new boy Nene! He picks up a Downing pass from the right, a cutback from deep, on the edge of the area. He opens his body and curls one for the top left, only for the ball to clank off the left-hand post with Speroni beaten all ends up!
66 min: A free kick for the Hammers, out on the left. Noble floats it in, and Tomkins eyebrows harmlessly wide right.
65 min: Quite a few irate punters flooding out of the stands, and home. And West Ham’s players are suffering from temperature of the head, too. Valencia is booked for a cynical check on Puncheon.
GOAL! West Ham United 0-3 Crystal Palace (Murray 63)
Kouyate is robbed in the centre circle by a comically obvious hand ball by McArthur, a volleyball-style spike . Puncheon feeds Murray down the left. He’s bundled over, just outside the area, by an irate Kouyate. And how costly! Puncheon curls the set piece into the box, and Murray stoops to guide a delightful header into the bottom-right corner, Adrian rooted to the spot! Shades of offside? Possibly, possibly, but so borderline that the attacker must be given the benefit of the doubt. West Ham are entitled to be livid with that nonsense in the centre circle, mind .
Edit: who’d be a referee? Not me! The ball clanked off McArthur’s head, though his hand was waving in the air at the time.
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61 min: West Ham shuffle the pack. The ponderous Song is replaced by the new boy Nene.
59 min: Tomkins is booked for a late lunge on Bolasie. The free kick, from a deep position on the left, is lifted towards Murray, who claims to have been shoved in the back by Reid as the pair contest a header. He’s got a point, too, but to be fair didn’t flop to the ground looking for the decision. It would have been a cheap penalty, but you’ve seen them given.
58 min: Downing is often impressive, often invisible. It’s been the latter today, but here he is making off down the right, before lumping a cross towards the far post. Speroni plucks it from the sky easily enough, but that’s a little bit better by the Hammers.
57 min: Jedinak whips a stunning free kick inches wide of the bottom left. Adrian would probably have managed to fingertip that one round the post were it on target, but it’s a goal kick rather than a corner.
56 min: West Ham are all over the shop. Tomkins plays a loose square ball across the back, allowing Zaha to take a touch down the right. He’s obstructed, but Ward comes zipping in to pick up the loose ball. Song should have swept up, but he was standing around scratching the back of his shorts, yawning. Tomkins is forced to bring down Ward, and that’ll be a free kick to Palace in a dangerous position, 30 yards out, right in the middle.
54 min: Ward is quite rightly booked for a thoroughly cynical tug on Valencia as the West Ham attacker tries to break into the area down the left. The resulting free kick is ballooned into the stand behind the goal by Noble. But signs that this game is not over yet, if West Ham want it.
52 min: West Ham respond well, Jenkinson cutting into the area from the right and looking to swing a shot into the top left. It’s deflected, and hoicked clear. Then Palace are threatening up the other end, McArthur with the ball at his feet down the inside right. McArthur falls apart when he enters the area, like a cake left out in the rain. Oh no noooooooo.
GOAL! West Ham United 0-2 Crystal Palace (Dann 51)
Zaha tears off down the right and earns Palace a corner. Dann meets the set piece with a fairly aimless header, but it clanks off Reid and out for another corner on the same side. And from the second one, it’s Dann versus Reid again. This time Reid’s nowhere near it, allowing Dann to rise at the back post and power a header into the top left!
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50 min: Tomkins launches long into the Palace box. Kelly dispatches it straight back upfield. The 1980s want their minute back.
48 min: The busy Bolasie embarks on another run down the left, burning off Jenkinson with ease. He’s got space to work a cross into the middle, where Murray awaits, but shanks a dreadful effort into the stand behind. West Ham will come out from the changing room soon, I imagine.
And we’re off again! Palace get the ball rolling for the second half, kicking in the direction of the tube. They tear down the pitch in the manner of folk racing for the last train home. Bolasie cuts in from the left at 298mph, and looks to curl powerfully into the top right. Reid bravely gets in the way, and takes one square in the mush, requiring treatment as a result. Eleven seconds had passed, there, before play was stopped. But what a start to the half!
Half-time reading: The applause on the 38th minute was for Dylan Tombides, who sadly succumbed to cancer last April at the age of 20. No age at all, poor lad. He’s being remembered in the best way possible, not just for his talent and his bravery, but in the hope of raising awareness through the DT38 charity (38 being his squad shirt, which West Ham have retired). More details on the DT38 website.
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HALF TIME: West Ham United 0-1 Crystal Palace
Kouyate swivels and shakes down the inside-right channel, before looping a cross into the centre. Valencia challenges, but Dann clears. And that’s that for the first half. The Hammers started strongly, but Palace grew into that game, and are good for their lead. It should be an intriguing second half. No flipping!
44 min: Perhaps that goal will be awarded to Murray, as the header was on target. But come on. You could have left that Murray header alone, and it might not have even made it to the goal line! Palace are soon coming at West Ham again, Reid forced into conceding another corner down the right. And from the set piece, more bedlam. Song heads clear at the near post, but only to McArthur, to the right of the D. McArthur sends a low fizzer goalwards, and West Ham are grateful to see it pinball away from danger.
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GOAL! West Ham United 0-1 Crystal Palace (Cresswell 41 og)
They’ve been looking dangerous all right, and this had been coming. However the goal itself is a shoddy nonsense. A corner on the right is met by the dangerous Murray, 12 yards out in a central position. His header down is nothing more than a soft nod, but Cresswell is standing in front of Adrian, and takes a wild swipe at the ball. All he manages to do is slice it, sending it spinning to the left and into the net, Adrian totally wrongfooted. A total farce. But Palace deserve their lead.
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38 min: Upton Park reverberates to applause in memory of the young West Ham player Dylan Tombides, who died of testicular cancer aged 20. More on this at half time. During that time, Murray has a shot saved by Adrian, and then Bolasie is bundled off it by Reid as he threatens down the inside left. Palace are looking dangerous.
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37 min: A free kick for Palace down the left. Puncheon floats a lovely ball towards the far post, forcing Reid to eyebrow out for a corner. Zaha was lurking dangerously there. As the corner is taken, there’s a shrill and perfectly clear “you effing cee”, in Dolby super surround on Sky Sports. Marvellous lunchtime entertainment. As for the ball, it ends up at the feet of Delaney at the right-hand post. He shovels a shot-cum-cross towards the left-hand post. Jenkinson scrambles the clearance, though Murray goes down looking for a penalty. He’ll not be getting that. Does Dolby surround sound still exist?
35 min: Murray and Cresswell tussle for a ball down the Palace right. Murray clips the full back’s heel. He’s already been booked, remember, and the ref calls his captain Jedinak in for a rugby-union-style Last Warning lecture. Murray will need to watch himself now.
33 min: An enforced change for Palace. Mutch has strained something in his left thigh, and hobbles off with his shorts hoicked up in the 1980s style. McArthur takes his place.
31 min: Downing dances down the right, and loops a cross to the far post, where Valencia heads downwards but harmlessly wide left. Palace scoot upfield through Puncheon down the left. He slides a ball forward for Murray, who opens his legs in the area and blooters a fine left-footed effort towards the bottom left. Adrian is well positioned, though, and saves with his legs. The ball pings away to safety.
29 min: Sakho has a lash from the best part of 30 yards down the inside-right channel. It’s deflected over the bar, at some velocity, for a corner. And it’s another aimless set piece. Sam Allardyce sits impassively on the bench, the only betrayal of annoyance some furious mastication.
27 min: A corner for West Ham, won down the right by Valencia, is a non-event. Another super dispatch from your award-winning Guardian!
25 min: A poor couple of minutes for Murray. Puncheon skitters into a little space down the inside-right channel. He slides the ball forward for Murray, who has a yard on Reid as he strides into the area. Time to size up a shot, though Reid comes back at him and nudges the striker just in time. Murray shoots, but off balance, slices well wide right of the target from 12 yards.
23 min: Kouyate is felled by a fairly agricultural challenge by Murray. It’s a high boot, left hanging in the air, then eventually pressed into the West Ham midfielder’s knee. Play goes on as West Ham look to release Sakho into the Palace area down the left, but that fizzles out. And when play stops, the Palace striker is issued with a card that matches his shirt. Murray has the good grace not to complain.
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20 min: It’s suddenly got a bit scrappy. Reid shovels Zaha onto the cinder track. Once the free kick’s launched upfield, Zaha shoulder charges Cresswell in the illegal style. “May I complain about your flippant caption to the Popemobile photo?” thunders Charles Antaki. “That’s no way to honour a man whose skills in football and diplomacy have earned him the respect of multitudes. I’m referring to the driver, Manuel Pellegrini.”
17 min: Palace hoof it long. Adrian comes out of his area, traps the ball with his thigh, then juggles it before passing it back upfield to a claret-and-blue shirt. Crowd-pleasing skills, which earn a round of warm applause. It’s not all about results.
15 min: ... batters the ball off the crossbar! He gets the free kick up and down quickly, looking for the top left. It doesn’t come down quickly enough, twanging the woodwork violently. Again, Speroni wasn’t getting to that. West Ham so unfortunate! A superb effort.
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14 min: Puncheon is a liability right now. He’s just stuck out a leg to needlessly fell Noble, just to the left of the Palace D. This is a free kick in a very dangerous position. Noble, Valencia and Cresswell stand over it. Noble takes, and ...
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12 min: A loose pass in his own half by Puncheon, and Cresswell is suddenly in a lot of space down the inside-left channel. He’s got men in the middle to aim at, but opts to go for the top-left corner instead from the edge of the box. It’s a swerving, dipping, nay crazily swerving effort, and it nearly threads its way into the corner. But it’s just over the bar. Not far away, that. Speroni wasn’t getting there in time. A magnificent, if very strange, effort.
10 min: Bolasie latches onto a loose back header by Reid, the defender under pressure from Murray, and makes towards the West Ham area. He holds the ball by the left-hand edge of the D, then backflicks a pass wide left for Zaha, whose delivery inside is poor. West Ham were in a spot of bother for a second there, but Reid, whose poor header started it all, is the man to eventually mop up and clear.
8 min: Kelly makes off down the left wing, his busy and determined run earning a corner. The set piece is looped towards the far post, where Dann heads over harmlessly from the right-hand corner of the six-yard box. Half-chances at both ends. Quarter-chances, maybe. Bright enough to promise a good afternoon’s entertainment.
7 min: Alan Pardew mooching around one of the technical areas he knows so well. The former West Ham boss has his arms folded, and is acting cool, but his heart is sure to be beating like billy-o. A trip to Saints coming up soon, too. It’s all happening for him.
5 min: Zaha is penalised for high kicking in the centre circle. Noble’s free kick is slipped down the inside-left channel, where Valencia and Ward get themselves tangled up. Eventually Ward upends his opponent. Noble’s set piece, effectively a corner, is flicked over his own bar by Murray. The second set piece - this one really is a corner - is plucked from the sky by Speroni. A nice open feel to this game already.
2 min: Palace are soon coming back at West Ham, Bolasie winning a corner down the left. The set piece is floated towards Mutch on the edge of the D. Mutch could volley, but tries to recreate Liverpool defender Steve Nicol’s astonishing header against Arsenal on the opening day of the 1987/88 season at Highbury. As you do. This one doesn’t fly into the top corner, however, floating harmlessly wide left of the target. Why didn’t he pelt that?
And we’re off! Bubbles still ringing around the Boleyn Ground, but coming out of thousands of mouths rather than the sound system. West Ham are quickly on the front foot, Cresswell making good down the left, but his ball inside for Noble is cleared with ease. A cracking atmosphere, much as you’d expect for a capital derby.
The teams are out! West Ham will be playing in their classic claret and blue outfit, while Palace have the look of Brazil, without the cobalt blue shorts or rank defensive incompetence. According to a dispatch from the possibly already bored Jacob Steinberg, who usually hangs about this parish but today is at the Hammerdome, the guy working the PA system was a bit premature with the squelchy bass version of Bubbles, which finished before the players emerged, and had to spin it a second time. All part of the Premier League’s unique charm. We’ll be off in a minute!
FFS Pardew! That may well have been the exasperated cry from Palace fans, had Mr Alan not recalled Glenn Murray to the team. Murray came on against Arsenal last weekend with 11 minutes to go, and his cameo was glorious. With his side two goals down, he scored, then hit the post, inches away from turning certain defeat into an improbable draw. Not quite enough for Palace to avoid going down 2-1, but a personal triumph nonetheless. A deserved berth in the starting XI, then, albeit one which has jiggered the Dwight Gayle-referencing preamble to this report. FFS Murray!
West Ham meanwhile are unchanged.
Dramatis personæ
West Ham United: Adrian, Jenkinson, Reid, Tomkins, Cresswell, Song, Kouyate, Noble, Downing, Valencia, Sakho.
Subs: Nene, Nolan, Jarvis, O’Brien, Collins, Demel, Jaaskelainen.
Crystal Palace: Speroni, Ward, Dann, Delaney, Kelly, Mutch, Jedinak, Puncheon, Zaha, Murray, Bolasie.
Subs: Hangeland, Hennessey, Gayle, McArthur, Ameobi, Ledley, Souare.
Referee: Mike Dean (Wirral).
West Ham’s season has been a bit up and down. A nondescript start, with miserable home defeats to Tottenham and Southampton bookending a comprehensive victory at Crystal Palace. A picking up of speed, with a run of seven wins in 11 leading to dreams of Champions League football next season. Some gentle trundling, with a series of draws that carefully lowered the side to mid-table. And a stomach-churning plummet: last-minute equalisers conceded to Manchester United and Spurs, a run of five games without a victory, a belt in the mouth at West Brom in the FA Cup, only one league win in the last nine. If only there was an amusement-ride metaphor for all this. It’s not quite spectacular enough to evoke the rollercoaster, is it. The log flume?
The Hammers could certainly do with a win today, if they’re to keep their hopes of European football alive. (Seventh place could be good enough, depending how the cups pan out.) Their performances against Spurs and Manchester United deserved more than the draws they were forced to settle for, so it’s not as if getting back into the winning habit is beyond Sam Allardyce’s occasionally very pretty side. But Crystal Palace are a solid proposition under Alan Pardew, even if the new manager’s honeymoon period looks to have come to an end; they’ve only won one game in the last five, a sequence in which they were knocked out of the FA Cup. But their attacking trio of Yannick Bolasie, Dwight Gayle and Jason Puncheon can cause trouble enough if they click. The Hammers start as favourites, with Palace still haunted by relegation, but anything could happen here today in this east/south London derby. It’s on!
Kick off: 12.45pm.
