Here’s Jacob Steinberg’s match report.
Full time: West Ham 3-3 Arsenal
Peep peep! A marvellous piece of Saturday-aftenroon entertainment comes to an end. Arsene Wenger shakes hands with Slaven Bilic and then walks straight down the tunnel. He knows that’s almost certainly it for Arsenal’s title challenge. After Alex Iwobi made two classy goals, Andy Carroll monstered an exhilarating hat-trick to turn 0-2 into 3-2. Laurent Koscielny smashed the equaliser but the result isn’t much good to them. Thanks for your company, bye!
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90+3 min Antonio is booked for something or other.
90+2 min Payet loses the ball to Iwobi, who sets Sanchez clear on the counter-attack. Reid makes a vital tackle, and then a vital foul when Sanchez wriggles away from him.
90+1 min There will be three added minutes. Lanzini’s vicious shot hits the back of Monreal, but West Ham retain possession.
90 min “As a thank-you for the rare reference to Marco Gabbiadini (one of my three favourite players of all-time) and in honour of this spectacularly see-sawing game at Upton Park I’d like to share with you a bizarre fact regarding Theo Walcott,” says Keeley Moss. “According to the Premier League’s website his middle name is ‘James Yes’! Strange but true.”
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89 min A bit of West Ham possession ends with Payet flashing a first-time shot high over the bar from 20 yards.
86 min Payet is shoved over 20 yards from goal by Ramsey, who at first glance seems lucky not to concede a free-kick.
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84 min A bit of a lull. There hasn’t been a chance for three minutes!
82 min Even if Andy Carroll contrives to get sent off, he will have to bow down at the feet of Marco Gabbiadini, the subject of the greatest hat-trick/red card combination ever.
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80 min Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Theo! He comes on to replace Danny Welbeck.
81 min What a chance for Sanchez! He zipped past defenders in the box with a curving right-to-left run , but instead of shooting from 10 yards he tried to come back inside and was tackled. West Ham break and Payet overhits a through pass to Carroll.
78 min Cresswell’s long-range shot across goal bounces up nastily in front of Ospina, who does well to palm it behind for a corner. It’s swung deep to Carroll, who humps it back whence it came towards Reid, who volleys acrobatically into the side-netting from a tight angle. He might have done better actually, though it was an awkward ball and he was under pressure.
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77 min Giroud heads a few yards wide from Monreal’s cross.
For all of us who don't like either of these teams; isn't this super inept farce of a football match fantastic? #WhamvArse
— Danny Baker (@prodnose) April 9, 2016
75 min Payet beats the blundering Gabriel on the left of the box but overhits his pull-back to Lanzini, who was in all kinds of space.
74 min All bets are off in this game, with tackles flying in and both defences looking vulnerable. Payet runs infield from a left and hits a dipping shot towards the near post that is palmed round by Ospina. It was a relatively comfortable save.
71 min Carroll fouls Gabriel, who falls over. As he rolls forward he sticks out a leg and catches Carroll above the knee. Think Preben Elkjaer and Leo Clijsters at Euro 84. The world has changed since then, of course, and in the current climate Gabriel might even have been sent off for that. The referee just gave a free-kick to Arsenal.
GOAL! West Ham 3-3 Arsenal (Koscielny 70)
The resulting corner was half cleared and then clipped back into the box. It came to Ozil, whose short-range cross from the right of the box was miscontrolled by Welbeck. But it landed perfectly for Koscielny, who rattled it into the top corner from 10 yards!
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70 min Arsenal have stirred now, and Monreal’s dangerous bouncing cross to the far post is headed behind by Cresswell. And then...
69 min “Games like this are what pay the bills for the Premier League, aren’t they,” says Adam Hirst. “Today we also got the bonus of a whole Arsenal season in one half, and now Big Andy booking himself a flight to France if he stays fit till June.”
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68 min After a great piece of skill from Ramsey earns Arsenal a corner, Giroud replaces Elneny. Arsenal have gone from a solid 4-2-3-1 to a loose-limbed 4-0-1-0-5. The corner is half cleared to Monreal on the edge of the box, and his superb low shot is kicked off the line by Lanzini.
Sometimes as a CB you have to take responsibility&stay with the 'big man' if he tries to pull onto the full back,push the FB into the middle
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) April 9, 2016
66 min If you can’t beat them, join them: the French Andy Carroll, Olivier Giroud, is about to come on for Arsenal.
64 min “The kidnap in Hail Caesar is orchestrated by (spoiler alert) a group of idealistic professorial types who argue very articulately that big money is ruining the industry they love,” says Charles Antaki. “They believe themselves to be The Future, and will sacrifice almost anything for their deeply-held principles. In the end, they come a complete cropper. Of course, there’s nothing there of any relevance whatever to Arsenal Football Club.”
63 min Arsenal look a little shocked. The change of tactics has also helped West Ham defensively. Payet dumps Ramsey on his backside with an extravagant trick, and then runs 30 yards into the area before just overhitting his square pass to Kouyate. He is a joy to watch, a fantasy footballer and a Fantasy Footballer.
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Arsenal's defensive frailties show themselves again. If Wenger doesn't invest in a CB in the summer then I will be amazed....again!
— Rio Ferdinand (@rioferdy5) April 9, 2016
61 min Antonio’s fierce shot deflects wide off Monreal. Arsenal are all over the place at the moment, and if they aren’t careful the game will be over by the time they get their bearings. Arsene Wenger has made a substitution, bringing on Aaron Ramsey for Coquelin.
60 min Howard Webb has just Snapchatted me and he reckons Andy Carroll is lucky to be on the pitch after that challenge with Gabriel just before his third goal.
57 min Carroll almost makes it four. A dangerous dipping cross by Payet on the right came to him near the penalty spot, and his first-time shot on the stretch went wide of the far post. He was under pressure from a defender and beseeched the referee to give a corner. No dice, soldier.
56 min I wanna be in Slaven Bilic’s gang.
54 min Iwobi and Noble have a contretemps after a foul on the halfway line. They’ve made up now. As for Carroll at the Euros, imagine being an elegant, perfumed central defender, weary after 70 minutes in the French heat, at which point England unleash Carroll and Vardy on you. Squeaky-bum time wouldn’t even come close to describing it.
GOAL! West Ham 3-2 Arsenal (Carroll 52)
Arise Sir Andrew Carroll! This is another superb goal to complete a nine-minute hat-trick! Antonio beat Monreal on the right and stood up a wonderful cross beyond the far post. Carroll rose imperiously, over Bellerin, and thumped a header into the net from five yards. I’m not sure how you defend against that.
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50 min Payet has a goal disallowed! Carroll tried to turn Koscielny in the box, but Koscielny read it and tried to shield the ball back to Ospina. As he came about, Carroll decided to have an impromptu wrestling match and dragged Koscielny over Ospina, with all three men ending up on the ground. In the melee the ball came to Payet, who tapped it into an empty net. It seemed like the goal had been given at first, but it soon became clear it had been correctly disallowed. Not that it matters, because...
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49 min A big penalty appeal for West Ham. Bellerin stumbled into Lanzini as he broke into the box, though I reckon that was the right decision as the contact was minimal. I’d like to see it again though.
48 min Carroll, on a yellow card, catches Gabriel in the face with his arm as he jumps for a long ball. Certain referees would have given him a second yellow for that, though I can see why Craig Pawson didn’t. He was looking at the ball all the time.
“Oh no!” says Dean Kinsella. “Is Big Andy playing his way back into Euro’s contention?”
I hope so. It would be lunacy not to take him.
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47 min “The new Coens looks fun - is it?” asks Phil Podolsky. “Ralph Fiennes is so0o0o0o good, although I hate 99% of the films he was in, especially the Oscar-winning ones.”
I didn’t think it was that good, though that one scene is the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages.
46 min Arsenal begin the second half kicking from right to left. West Ham have made a substitution, with Emmanuel Emenike replacing James Tomkins. That means a switch to 4-2-3-1.
So, what’s it to be for Andy Carroll: a hat-trick or a red card? Or maybe both, with a last-minute winner followed by a Duncan Ferguson-style celebration that ends with him flinging his shirt into the crowd and running straight down the tunnel as he receives his second yellow card.
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“Ah, Hail, Ceasar,” says Ian Copestake. “My enduring memory was an inability to stop saying “no dames” wherever possible and thinking back to my tapping dancing days. As far as relevance to this game is concerned .... what about that Arsenal, hey?”
Ruth Purdue’s two-word precis of the first half “Oh Arsenal!”
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What a fantastic half this has been. Payet’s wicked inswinging corner was only partially cleared. It was clipped back into the box to Carroll, who chested it down and tried to shoot with his right foot. He mishit it completely but it came back to Carroll, who quickly contorted his body like a piece of Playdoh to hit a left-footed volley that deflected off Gabriel and flew past Ospina.
GOAL! West Ham 2-2 Arsenal (Carroll 45+2)
The beast has done it again!
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45+1 min Adrian makes a vital save to keep West Ham in the game. Yet again the chance came from a pass to an onrushing player in the inside-left channel. This time it was Monreal, who tried to drill it through Adrian at the near post. Adrian made himself big and was able to block.
GOAL! West Ham 1-2 Arsenal (Carroll 44)
Andy Carroll scores the most Andy Carroll goal in the history of football. A magnificent swirling cross from Cresswell on the left came towards Carroll, 12 yards out, and he planted a firm, precise header into the corner. Superb goal.
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43 min West Ham are unfortunate to be two goals behind. They’ve played some lovely stuff against a team who have been more ruthless than them. Yes, we really are talking about Arsenal.
41 min Welbeck almost gets clear in the inside-left channel. As Owen Hargreaves says on BT Sport, the back three has been too narrow and Arsenal have used the inside-left channel superbly. All their chances have come there.
39 min Carroll turns smartly 20 yards from goal and hits a fierce low shot towards the far corner. Ospina gets down smartly to his left and, although he can’t hold it, no West Ham player is able to take advantage. It was a good save ultimately because Carroll really got hold of it.
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37 min “How are the Arsenal’s stars (Ozil and Alexis) looking?” asks William Hargreaves. “Do they look disgruntled, i.e. “this is my last season here”, or fired up, motivated, please?” Well, I suspect Ozil doesn’t look fired up during the physical act of love, never mind football, but he does look motivated. Sanchez has been a Duracell bunny as usual. Both have played well but Iwobi has stood out. Arsenal might have found one there.
GOAL! West Ham 0-2 Arsenal (Sanchez 35)
Oh this is a brilliant goal. Iwobi finds himself in space again, 20 yards from goal, and lobs a penetrative short pass over the back three to put Sanchez clear on the left of the box. His control is superb and with his second touch he opens his body to pass it under Adrian with his front foot. That was devastatingly economical stuff from Arsenal, just four touches from the moment it was fed into Iwobi.
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34 min West Ham are having an excellent spell. Cresswell’s crossfield pass is controlled immaculate by Payet, who is leaving dollops of class all over the pitch, but his cross is cleared.
33 min “Do you reckon Ray Winstone will have words with the ref at half time?” says Chris Copping.
32 min Here’s Kevin Ryan. “Did Carroll actually say to Koscielny on 5 mins ‘Laurent, my friend, you are entering a world of pain’?”
31 min Payet is starting to influence the game. A beautiful little pass through Coquelin’s legs ushers Cresswell into the box on the left, and his low cross is blocked at the expense of a corner. Payet and Lanzini try the old Beckham-Scholes corner, but Lanzini’s volley bobbles miles wide.
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30 min Sanchez’s low shot from 20 yards is too close and comfortably saved by Adrian.
28 min Payet is fouled 30 yards from goal, almost in line with the left edge of the box. He chooses to whip it onto the head of Carroll’s whose flick on is comfortably cleared.
27 min “Looks like West Ham aren’t used to this 3-4-3 system,” says Srinivas. “Way too square in defence leaving gaps for Arsenal to exploit. Also, the refereeing has been gash so far.”
They’ve played it a few times haven’t they? Though agree they have been a bit too narrow at times. As for the referee, it’d be lovely to have a game without any mistakes. Would that it were so saimple.
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26 min Noble’s flicked pass hits Monreal’s arm, though whether he could have avoided it is debatable. The referee gives nothing, outraging all the 25,000-odd West Ham fans who had a perfect view of the incident.
24 min Coquelin concedes a free-kick 40 yards from goal, to the right of centre. Not even Payet can score from there, so instead he tries to find the abundant noggin of Andrew Carroll Esq. It’s headed clear by Koscielny.
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22 min Anyone out there?
21 min Antonio muscles an affronted Monreal aside and puts in a low cross that is put behind for a corner by Koscielny.
GOAL! West Ham 0-1 Arsenal (Ozil 18)
West Ham should have been ahead; now Arsenal are ahead. When the ball was half cleared West Ham pushed out a little unconvincingly. It came back and Iwobi had time to play a short through ball to Ozil, who was just onside and in space to the left of the three centre-backs. He controlled the ball with his first touch and then drove it crisply across Adrian and into the net.
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14 min Lanzini has a goal wrongly disallowed for offside. Noble’s cross from the left, flicked insouciantly with the outside of the right foot, was met with a spectacular scissor-kick from Carroll at the far post. It was mishit slightly, into the ground, and when it bounced up Lanzini headed it in from a few yards. He looked offside at first, but replays showed a defender on the right of the box – presumably Bellerin – was playing him onside.
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12 min Arsenal are starting to take control of the match. Sanchez’s deep cross from the right is volleyed viciously towards goal by Elneny, and Antonio takes the force of the blow. That was an important block.
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9 min Ozil’s low cross is put behind for the first corner of the game by Ogbonna. It’s played short to Iwobi, who backflicks it straight out of play. One from the training ground.
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7 min Koscielny is back on. It’s been a bitty start, with lots of free-kick, and there’s another when Coquelin accidentally treads on Lanzini’s right foot. Owen Hargreaves is eulogising Arsenal’s new shape, with two natural deep-lying midfielders. You do wonder what might have happened had Arsene Wenger been able to play this front six a couple of months earlier. Well, I do. Say you do, please say you do.
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5 min Koscielny is still down, having treatment on his ankle, and now he’s moving gingerly off the field in accordance with the laws of the game. He’ll come back on at the next break in play, though his face is still screwed up with the pain. Carroll is going to get sent off, isn’t he?
4 min Carroll, a little overzealous after his usual pre-match diet of raw steak, is booked for a thoroughly inept hack at Koscielny.
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1 min A jaunty dragback from Payet frees Antonio down the right. His deep cross finds Cresswell, whose mishit volley into the ground bounces up and is headed just wide by the crouching Lanzini, six yards out. Not that it matters: he was fractionally offside.
1 min West Ham kick off from right to left. They are in claret and blue; Arsenal are in their gold away kit.
Tactics corner According to BT Sport, West Ham are lining up in a 3-4-3, with Tomkins at centre-back and Antonio and Cresswell as wing-backs.
“I am looking forward to this game,” says Ruth Purdue. “I have a feeling it is going to be a bit end to end.”
Amen to that. If this ends 0-0, I’ll present Match of the Day in my underpants.
The players are in the tunnel. Here’s some pre-match music.
As it’s Dimitri Payet Day, let’s celebrate some mavericks of football’s Before Gatorade era.
That Di Canio/Vieira/Ruddock match was, surprisingly, one of only two victories at home to Arsenal since 1987. The other, in 2006, is best remembered for Arsene Wenger getting wide with Alan Pardew.
How do you stop Dimitri Payet? My colleague Gregg Bakowski has found an, erm, interesting precedent.
On this day 12 years ago Arsenal fans were very, very happy.
Astute transfers, a positive manager, a new stadium. West Ham are laying foundations for the future. Will it last? https://t.co/KiJ2znTHkE
— Jacob Steinberg (@JacobSteinberg) April 9, 2016
Team news
Andy Carroll and James Tomkins come in for West Ham, who could play a 3-4-3 or a 4-2-3-1 with that XI. And I’m boring myself. Arsenal are unchanged, so David Ospina stays in goal and will be fed, limb by limb, to Andy Carroll at 12.45pm.
West Ham (4-2-3-1) Adrian; Tomkins, Reid, Ogbonna, Cresswell; Kouyate, Noble; Antonio, Lanzini, Payet; Carroll.
Substitutes: Randolph (GK), Hendrie, Oxford, Obiang, Moses, Valencia, Emenike.
Arsenal (4-2-3-1) Ospina; Bellerin, Gabriel, Koscielny, Monreal; Coquelin, Elneny; Sanchez, Ozil, Iwobi; Welbeck.
Substitutes: Cech, Gibbs, Mertesacker, Chambers, Ramsey, Giroud, Walcott.
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Preamble
West Ham v Arsenal has had a French flavour for a while. In 1999, that nice man Neil Ruddock said he could “smell the garlic on his breath” when Patrick Vieira spat in his direction. It overshadowed an excellent game in which Paolo Di Canio scored one of his many gorgeous goals in the 1999-2000 season, but that’s another point.)
Today’s match is all about two Frenchmen. It’ll be another 90-minute celebration of Dimitri Payet, the rotund charmer who is the spiritual heir to Matthew Le Tissier – and who, right now, might be even more popular with neutrals than a team who are about to achieve the most remarkable feat in English football history.
The other Frenchman is Arsene Wenger. If you’re into the whole extrapolation thing, today might be the day his last chance of winning a fourth Premier League title disappears. Arsenal probably need to win all of their remaining seven games if they are to have a chance of catching Leicester, and we know how much tougher the league will be next season.
Let’s hope not. Wenger deserves to go out on a high, and on his own terms. Would that it were so simple.
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