That’s all from me. It’s been incredibly boring, and then extremely exciting. Here’s Daniel Taylor’s match report. Bye!
Peter Crouch and Andy Carroll speak to Sky. Before the microphones are turned on, Crouch tells Carroll that he had “killed us”. This is what he then told the world:
It would have been a vital win for us, a massive win. Three points would give us a lifeline. A point’s a massive result, but three would have done us the world of good. It’s a shame, we defended so well during the game. But it’s a great goal from Andy. It did kill us a bit. It’s a kick in the teeth. Since the manager’s come in we’ve shown a lot of fight, but we’ve been a little bit unlucky in places. We’ve got Burnley, Palace, Swansea and Liverpool. I think there’s winnable games in there. If we can win three, who knows what will happen?
Statistical and analytical updates for you:
36 - West Ham v Stoke saw 36 fouls conceded, a joint-high for a Premier League games this season, level with Chelsea v Man Utd on 5th November. Ding-dong.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) April 16, 2018
Can see why Moyes named an unchanged side but it was too cautious and clearly wasn’t working in the first half. Waited far too long to give Arnautovic more support and lucky to get away with it tonight #whutc
— Jacob Steinberg (@JacobSteinberg) April 16, 2018
The second half was a lot of fun. The first half, well, let’s not speak of that.
I saw Andy Carroll having lunch near King's Cross last Thursday surrounded by a staggering number of toddlers, like some radically experimental interpretation of Snow White.
— Jonathan Wilson (@jonawils) April 16, 2018
Joe Hart is bleeding from the nose, which makes a change from haemorrhaging goals, I suppose.
Final score: West Ham 1-1 Stoke City
90+6 mins: It’s over, and neither side has the three points they desperately desired.
90+5 mins: Stoke break, Ireland chips the ball into the area and Zouma, with Cresswell at his shoulder, crumples to the ground. The referee blows his whistle! For offside!
90+4 mins: Into the last of four added minutes. Can anyone strike the killer blow?
90+3 mins: This time Shaqiri’s delivery is poor, the ball loops well past the far post, and Crouch’s header back in is caught by Hart.
90+3 mins: It’s a fine cross from Shaqiri, but it’s met by a West Ham head, and Stoke have their first corner at last.
90+2 mins: Cresswell fouls Shaqiri, is booked, and Stoke have a free kick from the right wing, their first chance to threaten the West Ham goal since they actually put the ball into it.
90+2 mins: Another disallowed goal! This time Hernandez fires in, but Carroll had used his arm in setting up the chance.
90+1 mins: The ball is crossed in from the left, and lands a foot inside the penalty area. Martins Indi makes a poor attempt to stop it, and Carroll caresses a volley back across goal and just inside the post!
GOAL! West Ham 1-1 Stoke (Carroll, 90 mins)
That is a super goal from Carroll! Lovely!
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90 mins: Now Crouch is playing at left-back, and booting the ball clear.
88 mins: The first thing Carroll does is go down inside the area after a tussle with Martins Indi. The referee isn’t impressed, though the defender seemed to be holding Carroll back quite obviously, for quite a long time.
86 mins: And Stoke take off Diouf, who strolls slowly over from the far side of the pitch. Ireland will replace him, if and when he leaves the pitch.
86 mins: David Moyes throws on another striker, bringing Carroll on for Joao Mario.
85 mins: Stoke are defending deep and desperate, but the ball falls to Shaqiri, who flicks it over his head, draws a foul from Kouyate, and then uses up some precious time with some agonised rolling around.
84 mins: Joao Mario tries a speculative 30-yarder, which flies well high.
44 - Peter Crouch has scored 44 goals for Stoke City in the Premier League, more than any other player (Jonathan Walters next on 43). Robot.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) April 16, 2018
83 mins: Questions will be asked of Joe Hart’s goalkeeping after that goal – and Gareth Southgate was in the stands to see it.
Joe Hart continuing his tribute to the later years of Dave Beasant.
— Gary Naylor (@garynaylor999) April 16, 2018
82 mins: Lanzini, just on as a substitute in place of Masuaku, takes the free-kick, and hits the wall.
81 mins: Hernandez tries to make something for West Ham, so Martins Indi brings him down. Another shooting chance for West Ham, and a yellow card for the Stoke man.
79 mins: Pieters passes the ball into the area, where Diouf spins on it and passes to Allen, who lays back to Shaqiri. It was perfectly weighted for a first-time, right-foot shot but of course Shaqiri doesn’t do those, so instead he takes a touch, sets himself on his left but also gives West Ham a chance to close him down. The chance seems to have gone, but his shot from 18 yards somehow evades the defenders and flies low to Hart, who can’t hold it and Crouch taps in the rebound!
Updated
GOAL! West Ham 0-1 Stoke (Crouch, 79 mins)
Stoke have only gone and scored!
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76 mins: West Ham make a change, bringing Fernandes off and Hernandez on.
75 mins: Since he came on, Cameron has definitely kicked opponents more frequently than he’s kicked the ball. He gives away another free kick, but this one’s on the half-way line.
74 mins: Cresswell crosses this one, which is a mistake. The ball goes out for a goal kick.
72 mins: Joao Mario is tripped by Cameron, and West Ham can have another shot from the set piece.
72 mins: This one’s no better. To be fair, with Zouma, Shawcross and Martins Indi in the defence headers are the one thing that Stoke can win.
71 mins: West Ham win a seventh corner. They haven’t so much as won a header from the first six, but eventually one’s going to pay off.
70 mins: Stoke trigger Plan B: Bauer has come off, and Peter Crouch is on.
69 mins: Now West Ham win a free kick, and Cresswell’s shot is well saved by the increasingly busy Butland!
67 mins: The ball zipped towards goal through Arnautovic’s legs, and though he didn’t touch it, he must have completely blocked Butland’s view.
66 mins: Another disallowed goal! This time Fernandes rifles the ball in from just outside the area, but the linesman thinks somebody is interfering with play!
Updated
65 mins: West Ham are having a period of supremacy, and the crowd for the first time seems involved, entertained and also awake.
63 mins: West Ham break, but Arnautovic is excellently challenged by Martins Indi. Moments later Cresswell’s decent cross from the left is booted clear by Shawcross. West Ham have their sixth corner (Stoke haven’t had any).
61 mins: Cameron is now on, and Sobhi has come off.
60 mins: Joao Mario scuffs a shot from the edge of the area. This game has improved so much since half-time that some people would probably now deem it interesting.
59 mins: Cometh the hour, cometh Geoff Cameron, who is currently being readied by Stoke.
57 mins: More on this evening’s Bundesliga VAR madness:
56 mins: And Stoke miss a great chance! Bauer rampages down the right, bursts into the box, pulls back to Diouf and, with the ball just behind him, the striker scoops over the bar!
Updated
55 mins: Disallowed goal! Cresswell crosses from the left and it’s a brilliant ball, curling and dipping onto the head of Arnautovic, who nods in from six yards … but he was just offside!
Updated
54 mins: Stoke keep the ball for a bit, until Zouma tries to pass it to Pieters and hits into touch instead. Still, the visitors have had the best of the second half so far.
50 mins: At the other end, Zabaleta’s cross loops just over the head of Fernandes, six yards out, and Zouma thumps it behind.
49 mins: Pieters picks out Shaqiri in the penalty area, who controls, spins and then, with Bauer to his right, falls over.
47 mins: Sobhi is played into space on the left. He checks back. He performs a couple of lollipops. He checks onto his left foot, doubles back onto his right, and then scoops a hopeless cross into the arms of Joe Hart.
46 mins: Peeeeeeep! The game is back on, with both sides unchanged at the interval.
The players are back out, and after 10 minutes spent thumping my head repeatedly against my desk I am feeling refreshed and ready for another 45 minutes of fun.
Meanwhile in Germany:
Now this is special, even for VAR. Half-time whistle goes in Mainz v Freiburg, players go off, then pen to Mainz given for handball on last action of half. Players called back out, De Blasis scores, players go off again.
— Andy Brassell (@andybrassell) April 16, 2018
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Half time: West Ham 0-0 Stoke City
45+1 mins: Noble’s 25-yard shot zips into the arms of Butland, and that’s the end of the first half.
45+1 mins: There will be one additional minute of Ryan-Shawcross-tied-his-shoelaces-a-while-ago time.
44 mins: Jack Pitt-Brooke (23 mins) was woefully misguided. This game is getting progressively worse.
41 mins: Chance for Stoke! Shaqiri’s pass finds Sobhi running into the area from the left. He controls well, spins well, and then totally miskicks his shot with his left foot, sending the ball rolling miserably towards Hart.
40 mins: Cagey? Cagey? I can think of a different, and slightly briefer, adjective beginning with C that would be a bit more accurate.
It's a cagey affair so far at the London Stadium - which side makes the breakthrough?#PL #WHUSTK pic.twitter.com/epdIiWRdin
— Premier League (@premierleague) April 16, 2018
37 mins: West Ham are starting to genuinely dominate. Kouyaté is played in on the right, and his low cross is cleared by Martins Indi. Behind him, Arnautovic and Zouma run into each other, and the defender goes down, but the referee thinks it’s accidental.
35 mins: A fine chance for Arnautovic! Zabaleta is played in on the right, nods the ball back to Arnautovic, and he hammers the ball goalwards from a tight angle, and right into Butland’s shoulder. Corner.
33 mins: A shot! A proper shot on target! Sobhi flicks the ball around the corner to Diouf, who hammers it low and hard towards goal from the edge of the area, but it’s too close to Hart.
32 mins: Joao Mario plays in Arnautovic, who drags his shot wide from 12 yards (and a bit to the right of goal).
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30 mins: Turns out Ryan Shawcross was the man being booed, because he was doing up his shoelaces.
29 mins: The crowd is booing lustily. I’m not sure why, because Sky are showing me Peter Crouch and Andy Carroll having a chat on the touchline.
28 mins: Arnautovic’s fine dummy allows the ball to run through to Joao Mario, and then there’s a moment’s hesitation as both Pieters and Martins Indi leave the ball to each other, thereby almost allowing Arnautovic to reach the pass. But then the latter sticks out a foot and boots clear.
26 mins: I thought I might try to simultaneously liveblog the match and Karren Brady’s new TV show, just to help out any conflicted Hammer (and also to make life a little more interesting), but just as I turned on ITV the first episode of Give It a Year ended. Sorry.
25 mins: Sobhi is fouled, but Shaqiri’s free-kick into the box is poor, West Ham break and Arnautovic has an opportunity to make them pay, but is dispossessed as he tries to work a shooting chance.
23 mins: I’m with Jack here. The only way is up. Baby.
20 minutes into West Ham 0-0 Stoke City here, and I am confident this game is going to get better and better.
— Jack Pitt-Brooke (@JackPittBrooke) April 16, 2018
19 mins: I’d like to see them use “SAVE!” here, instead of “STOP!”. “STOP!” makes you feel you’ve just been caught stealing apples from your grumpy old neighbour’s garden. All I’ve done is try to read a tweet. Leave me alone.
17' STOP! Butland is down to his left to punch away Cresswell's free-kick. City clear the resulting corner, the hosts are still in possession (0-0) #SCFC
— Stoke City FC (@stokecity) April 16, 2018
17 mins: Cresswell takes an optimistic shot, which bounces just in front of Butland and is palmed behind. The corner is eventually booted clear.
16 mins: Arnautovic tries a first-time pass to Fernandes and gets a nudge in the back from Martins Indi as he does so. The pass doesn’t amount to much, so Michael Oliver blows his whistle, and West Ham have a free kick, about 40 yards out.
14 mins: Here’s one person who presumably isn’t watching the match tonight:
15mins until my new show Give it a Year starts on ITV, hope you watch it and hope you enjoy it!
— Lady Karren Brady (@karren_brady) April 16, 2018
12 mins: Shaqiri, who seems a bit sulky, trips Ogbonna and gives away a free kick. But moments later he slides a pass to Bauer, whose shot is decent, but saved.
9 mins: “Here at Stoke I can not exert too much influence, simply because there is a lack of quality around me,” Xerdan Shaqiri said a couple of weeks back, moaning that “even a Ronaldinho could do little in this team”. So far he’s fallen over in a desperate attempt to win a free kick, and given the ball away twice on the right flank.
6 mins: Arnautovic runs onto Noble’s long pass and from precisely the same spot from which Masuaku shot a couple of minutes ago, he tries to pull the ball back. It deflects off a defender, though, so Butland still has to make a save. West Ham win a corner, from which nothing much happens.
4 mins: And another save! Stoke zip down the other end, where Sobhi’s 20-yarder is easily claimed by Hart.
3 mins: Save! West Ham are first to find their shooting boots, as a right-wing cross flicks off a head in the centre and goes to Masuaku, who seems to have taken the ball down the nearest blind alley but still manages to shoot low from a tight angle, and Butland saves with his feet.
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1 min: Peeeeep! Stoke get the game started!
A quick song about bubbles and we’ll be on our way …
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They players have left the tunnel!
The players are in the tunnel! We’re about to get some football to watch/read about!
@Simon_Burnton How much enthusiasm could I possibly have? It's just a death march from here.
— STOKECITY USA (@josher71) April 16, 2018
In many ways Stoke’s whole season has been an overlong trudge towards disaster, but there’s an opportunity to change the narrative. Rationally, the window of opportunity closes in a couple of hours. After that, it can either be a death march, or a survival skip. Or a brief and cruelly optimism-inducing skip, and then back to the death march.
This isn’t encouraging:
7 - Stoke City have lost their last seven Premier League visits to London, conceding 26 goals while scoring just five in reply. Journeymen. pic.twitter.com/Kkb5qnZ8yR
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) April 16, 2018
David Moyes speaks!
If you’d given me this position when I took over I’d have said thanks very much. We can take a big step tonight if we win, we know that. They’ve got match winners as well, so we have to be careful and mindful of them.
And so does Paul Lambert!
Well Zouma comes in for Johnson. It’s the same formation, because I think we’re playing well without getting the results. It’s the same formation, the same lads apart from Glen. I’m 100% confident [of avoiding relegation]. I don’t have any stress. I know the job in hand but I’ve got a group of lads that are giving me everything, and at the end of the day that’s all I can ever ask for.
I’m not detecting a great amount of enthusiasm for this fixture.
I am at West Ham v Stoke. This could well be my only tweet on the matter.
— Matt Law (@Matt_Law_DT) April 16, 2018
Head-to-head update: West Ham’s last three home matches against Stoke have all ended in draws, and in the decade since Stoke’s promotion to the top flight they have won at the Hammers twice, lost twice, and drawn the rest.
So 21 of the 22 starting players also started their team’s last game – the odd one out is Kurt Zouma, who replaces Glen Johnson for Stoke. On West Ham’s bench, though, are Andy Carroll, who last played on 4 January, and Manuel Lanzini, who has been out for over a month.
The teams!
The team sheets are in, and these are the names upon them:
West Ham: Hart, Rice, Ogbonna, Cresswell, Zabaleta, Noble, Kouyaté, Masuaku, Fernandes, Joao Mario, Arnautovic. Subs: Carroll, Lanzini, Hugill, Adrian, Hernandez, Evra, Cullen.
Stoke: Butland, Shawcross, Zouma, Martins Indi, Bauer, Ndiaye, Allen, Pieters, Shaqiri, Sobhi, Diouf. Subs: Ireland, Cameron, Fletcher, Crouch, Grant, Campbell, Sorenson.
Referee: Michael Oliver.
We're unchanged but good to see Lanzini and Carroll back in the squad!#WHUSTK #COYI pic.twitter.com/drctpyZQ5N
— West Ham United (@WestHamUtd) April 16, 2018
📝 One change for the Potters against @WestHamUtd this evening, @KurtZouma replaces Glen Johnson in the starting line-up.
— Stoke City FC (@stokecity) April 16, 2018
STARTING XI: Butland; Zouma, Shawcross, Martins Indi, Pieters; Allen, Badou; Bauer, Shaqiri, Ramadan; Diouf.#SCFC 🔴⚪️ pic.twitter.com/6PuWFcve14
Hello world!
So the title is decided, the top four have a healthy cushion over Chelsea in fifth, and Antonio Conte’s side are themselves six points ahead of Arsenal in sixth. Seventh-placed Burnley are nine points clear of Leicester in eighth. As far as important top-half business goes, the Premier League season is over.
Thus it is in everyone’s interest, except those teams actually involved in it, to keep the relegation scrap going until the bitter end. This game is important for both sides, but the world wants, needs and deserves more important games, an entire month of them. A home win tonight would drag West Ham to 37 points and 12th place, and take them to the very edge of certain safety. Great for them, of course – particularly with four testy fixtures to come before the season-ending visit of Everton – but not for anyone else. The neutral must want as many teams as possible to go into the final day at risk of disaster, and in particular for the one fixture that day that pits two struggling-but-not-yet-completely-doomed sides against each other – Swansea v Stoke – to be a win-or-bust spectacular. A win tonight will take Stoke within an achievable four points of their opponents and within three of the Swans, and the fight will be on.
Sadly Stoke’s away record is the worst in the division – there has been just one win, back in October, and a total haul of a meagre eight points. There has been just one win of any sort, in any competition, in a dismal run since Christmas. Their goal difference is the worst in the division, by a distance. They have been, in short, rubbish. And yet there is hope, though Paul Lambert is aware that now is crunch time:
I’ve never thought about relegation. I’ve just thought about staying in the league and that is still my aim. This club was built on sheer graft and hard work with a sprinkling of gold dust at the top end and we have to get that back and give the fans what was happening here before. We have to come away [from West Ham] with something without a doubt. The intent is to go and win and we will do everything we can to get three points. If we get a win it drags a few back in and that’s the most important thing.
David Moyes, meanwhile, appears to have been at the drinks cupboard again:
The ideal situation is to go unbeaten between now and the end of the season, there is no reason why we can’t do that. [There are 32 reasons why they can’t do that here]
Oh, and by way of added spice there’s also this bloke, who scored one and hit the bar twice in a 3-0 victory on his return to the Bet365 Stadium in December:
Remaining fixtures:
West Ham: Arsenal (away); Manchester City (home); Leicester (away); Manchester United (home); Everton (home).
Stoke: Burnley (home); Liverpool (away); Crystal Palace (home); Swansea City (away).
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