Far be it for us to turn today's Rumour Mill into an episode of Loose Women - for there can be few more tragic fates thrust upon a pseudo-amusing tabloid round-up - but ... "It's not how much you've got it's what you do with it, hey girls, you know what we mean?" [whoops and cheers from largely female audience]. "It's about quality not quantity if you ask me. Right, ladies?" [laughing and applause from the easy to please crowd]. "Oh I've had some huge [rumours] in my time but if they don't know what to do with it then you are not going to enjoy the [football gossip column]!" [audience descends into bedlam at that woman from the Oxo adverts finally telling it like it is]. "And now here's Jane McDonald to promote her new exercise video" [polite applause].
That's enough of that, but you get the point. We don't have many traditionally big rumours today, nary a mention of Cristiano Ronaldo or Frank Lampard, or in fact many rumours at all. But what we do have is good. We are talking about high-quality speculation here people: surprise players, surprise clubs and - as hard as it is to believe - possible traces of logic and truth lurking below the surface. So without further ado ...
Barnsley need a keeper and Ben Foster needs first-team outings. Did someone just put two and two together and make Foster to go on loan to Barnsley? I think they did you know. You wouldn't have predicted it, but the more you toy with it in your mind the more likely it seems. That's the mark of a good rumour right there.
Roy Keane is swiftly becoming a pastiche of himself by turning up ex-Manchester United players for Sunderland that we had forgotten even existed. No, not Mal Donaghy (more's the shame) but Diego Forlan, one of the best strikers in Spain/worst strikers ever at Old Trafford, appealing to Keane on two fronts. You wouldn't have predicted it, but the more you toy with it in your mind the more likely it seems. That's the mark of a good ... ok, you get the point.
Spurs want another centre-back (why? we don't know) and it could be Lúcio. He's good he is and he hasn't been linked with a club in ages, that's the kind of rumour we like. And, talking of lumbering centre-backs that are barely spoken of these days, Chelsea will be selling Khalid Boulahrouz to Borussia Dortmund at the end of the season. Not so good that one, but not bad.
And, finally, for the traditionalists, here's a boring and predictable rumour surfacing from a desperate and tedious agent, just so you don't think this column has changed beyond all recognition. Dimitar Berbatov could be off to AC Milan. And it was all going so well.
