My husband and I have been together for eight years. Throughout our relationship, he has struggled to reach climax through vaginal intercourse. We worked around this and have had a mutually fulfilling sex life. But now we are now trying for a family, it is causing problems. I have tried many times to talk about it with him, but I have been met with a blank refusal.
A sexual impasse can occur even between even smart and cooperative couples. Sometimes, unconscious motivations can block progress. For example, if either you or your husband have an unresolved traumatic childhood issue, it could be an underlying reason to avoid actions that might lead to producing a child – perhaps as an unconscious protective mechanism. And your husband’s defensiveness could be a consequence of fear or anger.
On the other hand, some men enjoy oral and manual intercourse far more than vaginal intercourse, and for them it is simply mechanics, ease, and a question of a better sensation. Perhaps you are just too good at these styles. But different sexual styles are often imbued with meaning. You say that further discussion is not an option, but there is always a way to get beyond his defensiveness. Without being defensive yourself, try to ascertain what the differences in sensation are for him between oral and manual as opposed to vaginal sex. This will give you a clue to the way forward.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
