AS SHAMEFUL AS NUTTING THE BOBBY MOORE STATUE AND PROVOKING TREVOR BROOKING INTO AN INTEMPERATE OUTBURST
Ah yes, that’s more like it: within seconds of the conclusion of the first piece of action by a Premier League team this season, we got our first scandal! And what a doozy it is! Relations between fair play raffle winners West Ham and FC Andorran part-timers Lusitans may never recover after the manager of the visiting minnows, Xabi Roura, accused the manager of the home minnows, Slaven Bilic, of a breach of protocol so ghastly that it took the lustre off one of this week’s 51 Big Vase first preliminary qualifying round pre-first group phase first legs.
West Ham won the match 3-0 but suffered serious damage to their reputation according to Roura, who practically barfed as he vented his disgust at Bilic’s offensive seating arrangement. When The Fiver heard that, we immediately surmised that the Croatian had gone and re-created that Sharon Stone scene from Basic Instinct, but apparently not, at least not so far as anyone is aware. “Bilic showed a lack of respect by not being on the bench,” explained Roura, who seemed to think that by choosing to watch the match from the stands while academy manager Terry Westley took charge of West Ham, Bilic might as well have nutted the Bobby Moore statue and provoked Sir Trevor Brooking into an intemperate outburst, so much shame did he heap on English football. “It makes me sad, in a country where fair play was invented, that something like this could happen,” sobbed Roura. “I think he must have thought our team was not important for him to be present. I imagine that he has won many titles and maybe he thought he was the Special One.”
Bilic was quick to respond and, to his credit, resisted the temptation to use a ventriloquist’s dummy to rile Roura further. “I didn’t want to disrespect anyone and especially not a football team from Andorra as I respect them big time,” deadpanned Bilic, who knows the name of that football team from Andorra. Probably.
The Croatian went on to explain that he felt unable to take official charge of the match because he had spent the buildup in Ireland, where most of West Ham’s first team is on a pre-season training camp, their decision not to go to a Pyrenean ski resort to prepare for the upcoming Premier League campaign being a further snub to Andorra. What is more, after the match Bilic flew back to Cork, where he and his players will remain until after next week’s second leg, meaning that, if he does flit over to Andorra, he will likely sit in the stands again. On a whoopee cushion, assuming Roura wants to do us all a favour and escalate this handy summer feud.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s like a castle, or a medieval walled village … something you wouldn’t find anywhere else. It is beyond beauty or ugliness. It is really a structural thing, very naked in some way. It is not décor, but really one thing inside and out, not an envelope with something different inside” – architect Jacques Herzog, perhaps in a rambling nod to those who can remember the terror of visiting Stamford Bridge in the 70s, on his plans to take Chelsea back to something like the dark ages.
FIVER LETTERS
“Yesterday’s Fiver struck a chord. Growing up in the ar$e-end of Wales, supporting football teams necessarily entailed a certain amount of glory-hunting. On the one hand, I kept it real by watching Pembroke Boro (Pembrokeshire Manderwood Division 4) from the bottom of my garden, but on the other hand, we had to reach higher and pick ‘our’ team. Supporting Liverpool has had its ups and downs, but spare a thought for a young friend of mine who really discovered football around 2000 or so. He latched on to Nasty Leeds, just in time for their spectacular implosion and plummet through the leagues. But he stuck with them, and should be roundly applauded. Yes, he’s an idiot. But he’s an idiot who understands what it’s like to care about a football team” – Matt Dony.
“If Guus Hiddink has quit Holland (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) and Danny Blind has taken over and Daley is on the national team, than won’t the blind be leading the blind even more so than if he moved to United, or has in the past? ” – M Huppe (and 1,056 others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Matt Dony.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
You wanted to see Gazza’s career highs and lows rendered in stop-motion plastic blocks didn’t you? Ah.
BITS AND BOBS
Chelsea have shaken hands with Monaco over a season-long loan for Radamel Falcao which will see the striker move his backside from one Premier League bench to another.
Manchester City are once more allowed to waste their money on over-priced, over-hyped, under-performing English players having had their restrictions on transfer spending and Big Cup squad size lifted after meeting their financial fair play target.
Manchester United are determined to make the David de Gea deal drag on for far longer than anyone needs it to.
QPR have said they would rather go to that restaurant in Hackney that serves posh school dinners than sell Charlie Austin to Leicester for £12m.
West Brom should be under shiny new ownership by the end of the month according to chief suit, Jeremy Peace. “Chairman Jeremy Peace today confirmed that exclusivity has been granted to one party interested in the purchase of West Bromwich Albion Holdings Ltd,” sniffed an official statement on the official website, officially.
Silvio Berlusconi has demanded that by the end of the season Sinisa Mihajlovic present him with a gold-plated cross blessed by the pope, a signed copy of Shed Seven’s greatest hits and Big Cup football for Milan. “It’s categorically imperative that Milan return to [Big Cup]” wailed the mask mascarading as Berlusconi’s face.
And the notoriously level-headed Nicolas Anelka has taken over the reins at Mumbai City FC. What could possibly go wrong, eh?
STILL WANT MORE?
Marcos Rojo reckons Ángel Di María is dead good. Richard Williams is inclined to agree.
Despite the weather, our writers have all put on trilbies, complete with a piece of paper that says press, and trench coats and gone sniffing around the Premier League clubs to find out who is in charge of transfers. Here are their findings.
From domestic violence to corruption, the past 12 months have been ugly for US sport, but Jill Ellis’s team have reminded us what is great about sports, reckons DJ Gallo.
Is Mario Balotelli about to bring some calm to Newcastle and why are Everton laughing so hard? The Rumour Mill has the answers.
And suffering from those post-season blues? Get your hands on tickets for an extra special, season previewing, live, on-stage edition of Football Weekly. AC Jimbo, Barry Glendenning, Rafa Honigstein, Paul MacInnes and Gregg Bakowski will be treading the boards in London on Thursday 6 August.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
