‘WE NEARLY MADE IT …’
The Fiver is a pacifist. By that, we mean when that discoloured buffoon starts World War III, we’ll come up with any excuse possible to ensure we’re nowhere near the line of fire. If it means eating flavoured fatbergs until we’re the size of a house, so be it. What we won’t do is proudly demonstrate our integrity, patriotism and masculinity by marching intrepidly towards certain death. That, in football terms, is what England are apparently aiming to do when they play Belgium Reserves on Thursday night. We thought we’d seen everything with England at the World Cup, but it’s definitely a first to go into a match game fearing a victory.
England will top their group if they win or draw and have a superior disciplinary record. We don’t know what that means for the last 16; that will be confirmed beforehand, though we know they will play one of Japan, Colombia and Senegal. But there is a distinct advantage to finishing second in the group, as it would mean a potential quarter-final against Sweden or Switzerland rather than Brazil or Brazil. England have never beaten Brazil in Le Tournoi, the Rous Cup or the Umbro Cup, never mind the World Cup. And there is a history of teams going into the easy half of the draw after an unexpectedly poor performance (sic) in their last group game, including eventual winners West Germany in 1974.
It’s not a straightforward issue, because not everyone is as cowardl … sorry, as pacifistic as The Fiver. The counter-argument is that England’s 12th man at this tournament has been Maurice Mentum, and beating Belgium would keep him as an active member of the squad. Oh, and that IT’S ONLY BLOODY WELL COMING HOME!
“We have not won a knockout game at the World Cup since 2006, so why we would start plotting which would be a better venue for our semi-final would be beyond me,” said Gareth Southgate’s beard. “We think that we need to keep winning football matches and we want to breed a mentality that everybody in our squad consistently wants to win. We have no idea who, when or where we will play in the next round. We are pleased we are there in that next round but we are building a team that everybody at home can see has a passion to play for England and are improving and I think they will see that against Belgium.”
The one thing we do know is that England won’t be facing Germany – not in the quarter-finals, not in any round. Their premature elimination, and a shortage of CO2, led to England pubs running out of pints of Rabid Schadenfreude on Wednesday. “This is historic,” sighed coach Jogi Lurrrrrrvvve. “I am sure this will create some public uproar in Germany.” It’s the first time since 1966 that England have outperformed Germany at a World Cup. Even The Fiver can put two and two together on that one.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is never wrong to eliminate Germany considering their behaviour [on Saturday] and considering what some players have said. It feels nice. I am not going to deny that. It feels really nice” – Sweden’s Mikael Lustig on Die Mannschaft’s exit.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest World Cup Football Daily podcast, with Max Rushden and co, and you can find it in this general area every matchday evening.
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Producing the Guardian’s thoughtful, in-depth journalism [the stuff not normally found in this email, obviously – Fiver Ed] is expensive, but supporting us isn’t. If you value our journalism, please support us. In return we can hopefully arm you with the kind of knowledge that makes you sound slightly less uninformed during those hot reactive gegenpress chats you so enjoy. And if you think what we do is enjoyable [again, etc and so on – Fiver Ed], please help us keep coming back here to give you more of the same.
FIVEЯ LETTERS
“If Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, then the internet hath no memory like a scorned Italian fan. The country is split over any issue one could think of, but on Wednesday it was a nation united again in their desire to see Germany knocked out – and by South Korea and Sweden, which was the cherry on top. People took to Social Media Disgrace Twitter to pledge forgiveness to both countries for their trespasses against us. Even my father, a staunch Germany supporter, took it philosophically. ‘La ruota gira (the wheel turns),’ he sighed when I spoke to him. ‘What do you know, maybe Italy did what it does best: set a trend’” – Maria Barletta.
“Just clicked on the link to the 2002 World Cup Fiver thoughtfully provided in yesterday’s FiveЯ (I must see about getting a life). Brought this to mind and made my evening” – Katie Maddock.
“Re: Leo Messi saying ‘I knew that God was with us and would not leave us out [of the competition]’ after their win over Nigeria (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). It would have been wonderful if Messi had said He/Him instead, and proof He does indeed work in mysterious ways” – Nick Donovan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day and, with it, a copy of World Cup Nuggets by Richard Foster is … Maria Barletta.
BITS AND BOBS
Mexico fans have been paying tribute to South Koreans for helping to keep El Tri in the tournament. “Korean, brother, now you’re Mexican!” they chanted at Han Bjoung-yin, consul general at their Mexico City embassy.
Iran striker Sardar Azmoun has quit international football because barbs aimed at him had damaged his mother’s health. “Unfortunately because of the unkindness of some people, and the insults that me and my team mates in no way deserved, her illness has become severe,” he said. “This has put me in a difficult position where I must pick one or the other – and as a result I pick my mother.”
England fans are being warned to allow at least five hours to cross land borders into Kaliningrad. “A soldier carrying a gun was forcefully asking me a load of questions,” said one, Ronnie Glassgow.
Brazil will face Mexico in the loaded half of the last 16 after beating Serbia 2-0, while it’s Switzerland v Sweden after their 2-2 draw with Costa Rica. “We’re not happy,” tooted Valon Behrami. “The point is OK, but we suffered too much.”
Non-World Cup dept I: the Sporting meltdown continues apace after Sinisa Mihajlovic was sacked nine days after his appointment.
And non-World Cup dept II: Wayne Rooney is set to complete a move to DC United.
STILL WANT MORE?
Thomas Hitzlsperger on Germany.
The German fan reaction in Berlin, in word, picture and video form.
England v Belgium, Italia 90 and all that: as told by the players in their own words.
How much do you know about England at the World Cup? Quiz!
Despite that goal, Leo Messi still doesn’t seem to fit into the Argentina collective, writes Marcel Desailly.
Marcela Mora y Araujo on Maradona.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
