Dear Coleen,
Our daughter’s husband is a lovely, funny, life and soul of the party type, and we’ve always adored him.
They’ve been together since they were teenagers, and he’s always enjoyed a beer and is often the most tipsy at any party or BBQ. He’s a great dad and husband, and a lot of fun.
But two years ago he started his own IT company and my daughter gave up work after they had their third child. He works very hard and my daughter has hinted that he’s under a lot of stress at work, being the sole breadwinner.
We’ve noticed him drinking more, and it isn’t just beer anymore, but a bottle of wine on a Tuesday night, or a few whiskies after work on a Friday.
I went round there the other week on a Monday, and he was nursing a large whisky in front of the TV. He was clearly drunk and slurring his words.
He’s looking dreadful too – he’s put on weight and has a puffy, tired looking face. We’re worried about him, but I don’t want to upset my daughter or stick my nose in.
What do you think we should do?
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Coleen says
It’s such a tricky situation, but it sounds like you’re coming from a loving, concerned place and your daughter will know that too.
She probably knows he’s drinking too much, and it’s likely she’s worried about it herself, so she might find it a relief to be able to open up to you and your husband. Why not have a quiet word the next time the kids and her husband aren’t around?
Don’t do it in an accusatory way. Just say, “Listen, love, we might be wrong or way out of line here, but we’re a bit worried he’s drinking more than usual. Do you think it’s because work is getting on top of him?”
Then let her know you’re there for her, the kids and her husband, if there’s anything they need. For example, perhaps you could help her with childcare – if you’re not already.
Perhaps your daughter getting a part-time job would take some of the pressure off him. If she denies he is drinking more, then there’s not a lot you can do other than just be there for them if anything happens or if it gets worse. It sounds like you have a close, loving relationship, so have a quiet word and I’m sure it’ll work out fine.
