I’m in complete agreement with Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett (Modern parenting rejects abusive ways of punishing children. Will England listen?, 19 May) in condemning the use of physical and verbal violence on children. However, I part company with Cosslett in her view that taking an enlightened position on this issue is co-terminus with a “child-centred” parenting style. It is possible to be non-violent without subscribing to a child-centred approach. It can be argued that such child-centredness is itself an overreaction to past parenting approaches, and can lead to as many problems as it seeks to solve.
I have been privileged to be given a ringside seat to two very different parenting styles as a member of a “blended” family, with grandchildren being brought up in this country by committed child-centred parents, and grandchildren being brought up in Spain with a parenting style I would call “family centred”. And if you think this is the same thing, you would be mistaken. Children in Spain learn from the moment they are born that they are members of a family first and foremost.
The parenting style reflects the preeminence of the group, not the individual child. In my (admittedly subjective) experience, children brought up in a family-centred culture are far less likely to be attention seeking, are less demanding of their parents, and evince greater emotional security, subject to less parental over-involvement. I see less aggression and frustration being expressed by Spanish parents with their kids than that shown by English ones.
I do wish we could all learn to lift our heads up and look at how other cultures parent their children. We could find plenty of examples that beat our child-centred approach hands down.
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