I am in a new relationship with a widowed man. I am 66 and he is 65. He has been prescribed drugs by his GP but has been unable to achieve a full erection. I am trying to get him to stop thinking that penetration is the be all and end all, but he worries that he is letting me down. How can I make him feel better?
With your kind and strong desire to be accepting and creative, you are already on the right track. Help him to set aside previous notions of lovemaking (including the necessity of penetration) and make his new goal solely the giving and receiving of simple pleasure. If he has a set idea how he should “perform”, he may not be easily convinced, but persuasion, soothing and validation should work. The reasons for his erectile difficulties also need to be understood. Age does not lead naturally to erectile failure; rather, there may be some medical or psychological contributing factors. People who have been widowed often have complicated feelings that may affect their ability to be sexual; one common factor is a sense of betraying one’s late partner. On the physical level, sometimes there can be vascular problems, or an underlying physical illness. But it should be encouraging that he has taken steps to get treatment. Now he must learn to relinquish his erectile anxiety – as well as possible sadness about the past – and grant you the loving connection you both deserve.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
