FOOTBALL
2003 was a year largely dominated by two clubs, Manchester United and Real Madrid, one player - yes, David Beckham - and that torturous, will-he-won't-he-oh-please-God-JUST GO transfer saga.
It started back in February with the saga of Fergie's flying boot, went down a few dozen tedious cul-de-sacs before, finally, on July 2nd a white-suited Beckham hesitantly announced: "I have always loved football. Of course I also love my family, I have a wonderful life, but football is everything to me and joining Real Madrid is a dream come true. I'd just like to thank everyone for welcoming me. Grazias. Hala Madrid!"
Earlier in the summer, Guardian Unlimited had made no ripples whatsoever with a couple of exclusives of our own, breaking the news that Beckham preferred Real moments after everyone in the entire world reported Barcelona had had a bid accepted, and securing a Small Talk with Ronaldo. Famously, when Sid Lowe asked the Brazilian wonder 'Kylie or Britney?', Ronaldo's face broke into a grin. Yes, that grin. "Both. Together. Heh heh."
When the football finally started, Beckham proved surprisingly equal to the task, impressing on Real's lucrative Asian pre-season trip, on his La Liga debut against Real Betis , and helping Madrid scrape a nervy win at Barca for the first time in 20 years.
Before Beckham left Manchester United, he'd helped to secure Old Trafford's eighth Premiership title in 11 seasons, despite the team only finding top gear in March, while Arsenal's consolation was the FA Cup, after yet another tedious final. Far more interesting was Nick Harper's pre-match Small Talk with Peter Osgood, which went horribly wrong when the Southampton legend was confronted with the cheese-or-chocolate dilemma.
Meanwhile in Europe, AC Milan won a very dull European Cup final on penalties. And Celtic did heroically well in the Uefa Cup before succumbing to those Portuguese time-wasters extraordinare Porto.
What else? Well, England sans Rio Ferdinand qualified for Euro 2004, while poor old Scotland sadly didn't.
[Clunking segue alert] Speaking of matters England, former national coach Terry Venables was sacked after nearly leading Leeds to relegation - something that shouldn't have surprised Guardian Unlimited readers after this dissection of El Tel's career. New boss Peter Reid hauled them out, which was yet another twist in the rollercoaster history of the club.
Elsewhere, The Fiver held it's first PR person of the year awards ceremony, which - predictably - was won by the company that sent us the most booze.
And the ever-excellent James Richardson scooped the cheapest gag on the site award - and God knows there was some competition - with a joke about pocket billiards and the Italian Cup.
Not that we kept everyone happy all year round. We'd started 2003 in fine style - with Steven Wells' controversial piece on Wayne Rooney. "Look at his eyes! Have you ever seen deader eyes?" Swells foamed at the mouth. "They say that the eyes are the windows of the soul - but looking into Rooney's reptilian pits is like staring into Nietzsche's abyss. There is no humanity there, or compassion."
But Evertonians weren't the only ones complaining. Because Rangers fans also harangued us about Barry Glendenning's light-hearted description of their side as orcs.
Some complaints, however, were more ridiculous than others - like this one during Barry's minute-by-minute report on Real Madrid's 3-1 win over Manchester United.
"I find your constant slagging of Man Utd fans who are not from the city of Manchester itself a bit rich," wrote Coilin O'Connor. "After all, you grew up in the middle of Ireland, which is hardly in the shadow of Roker Park."
"OK Coilin, you've rumbled me and exposed me for the Sunderland bandwagon-jumper I am," Barry replied. "Are you happy now? Are you?"
RUGBY WORLD CUP
On Friday October 10, the Rugby World Cup kicked off with flashing lights, painted faces and Australia's 24-8 gubbing of Argentina.
And almost a month later, it actually got interesting.
It was all thanks to Wales - who gave the All Blacks the scare of their lives before narrowly losing to England in a humdinger of a quarter-final.
Ah, England. Glorious England.
After struggling to convince throughout the tournament, they - or rather Jonny Wilkinson - hit top form in a rain-sodden semi to beat France 24-7.
And then, in a dramatic-if-error strewn finale, they clinched the big one: squeaking past Australian 20-17 to clinch their first Webb Ellis trophy.
So now you - yes, you! - have jumped on the rugby bandwagon, how can you impress the Barrington-Smythes next door?
Well, there's our invaluable rugby jargon buster.
And our glitzy, hi-tech player guide so you know your loose head props from their openside flankers.
And, best of all, there's our fantastic 'Jonny Wilkinson's Rugby' board game. Go on - and see if you too can kick England to victory!
CRICKET
The Cricket World Cup in February and March was one of the most grimly satisfying gigs of the year in that England played to form. They nearly lost to Namibia and just had time to throw it away against Australia before flying home at the end of the first round.
GU brought you over-by-over reports of every game covering all the important issues - ie the relative values of Basingstoke, Bracknell and Walthamstow - while Australia were thrashing Holland, and the nutritional value of Monster Munch while Australia were ripping through Pakistan.
But GU's Scott Murray addressed the meat of the problem one Friday morning when a report of the India v New Zealand rubber begun thus: "WHAT SORT OF LIFE IS THIS..."
This small explosion caused an avalanche of hits. Matthew Norman wrote in the Mirror that "journalism throws up very few heroes, but one of these is Scott Murray of the Guardian"; the Telegraph observed "neither [Brian Johnson or Henry Blofeld] has ever come close to injecting as much oblique observation about the futility of human existence as the author of the Guardian newspaper's internet coverage"; and the Mail on Sunday pestered our man on the phone before branding him 'Ranter of the Guardian'.
Murray meanwhile observed the whole sorry furore and shook his head sadly.
Another GU columnist proved he too had drawn close to your bosom when the European Union threatened to cut off freelance journalist Lawrence Booth's livelihood. You had other ideas and hundreds of you signed an online petition to keep him - and only three of them were members of the Booth family.
They included Richard Evans, who wrote that Lawrence's commentary "is nearly as funny as the 'Beefy and Lamb in a Stew' tour video". And thank the Lord for your action: nearly a year later he's still here writing the brilliant free cricket email The Spin, and causing flash-mobs at Victoria station.
The over-by-over coverage continued into the summer as England struggled, stuttered and then recovered against Zimbabwe and South Africa. From a dreary Thursday morning at Lord's - "Ah, here we go again: the gentle pitter-patter of drizzle on empty seat, coupled with an evil easterly and covers strewn across the famous Lord's pitch - to Flintoff going bananas at Lord's fighting a losing battle then going bananas at The Oval fighting a winning one.
BEST OF THE REST
The year started with a Michelle-from-Pop-Idol-sized shock, with Phil "The Power" Taylor losing his PDC World Darts Crown. As we reported, Taylor's efforts to shed darts' pint-and-a-pie-and-another-pint image by losing several stone and getting his hair tinted didn't pay off.
Less of a surprise was that Tim Henman DID NOT WIN Wimbledon. Although, as Dan Rookwood reported, the "Daily Mail-reading, Princes Di commemorative plate-buying, Last Night of the Proms-going national embarrassments crammed into Centre Court" were still traumatised when Tiger Tim flopped against Sebastien Grosjean in the quarters.
Meanwhile, the ladies' final saw perhaps the most surreal event of the entire year as the Williams' sisters faced off. Despite Venus "hobbling like a 65-year-old collecting her pension", Serena seemed to gift her a set, before clinching the match in three.
Almost as strange was the sight of Ben "Who?" Curtis winning The Open, after Thomas Bjorn choked at the death.
Finally, no round-up of this site's star flourishes of 2003 would be complete without mentioning Nick Harper's Small Talks - which included Dickie Bird's tales of tea with the Queen, his love from Barbara Streisand, and polka dot boxer shorts; Chris Eubank singing Al Green; as well as the inimitable Stuart Hall, who confessed to making up commentaries, dining with directors and making love with a lion.
As you do.
Merry Festivus and a happy new year from all at the Guardian Unlimited sports desk!
