BAYERN SUCCESS
The Fiver has a dream. In it, somebODY OTHER THAN EFFING BAYERN MUNICH WINS THE EFFING BUNDESLIGA! It’s nothing against Bayern, who are a spectacularly good association football outfit, but we’d quite like a bit of the old new normal when it comes to football. Italy, Germany, France and to a lesser extent Spain were dominated by one club to an embarrassing degree in the 2010s, and we could do without it in the 2020s. Besides, we’re not sure how many more cliches about Thomas Müller’s excellence we can take.
Later on Tuesday, Bayern will beat Werder Bremen and win their eighth consecutive Bundesliga title. Thing is, it was supposed to be different this season. Bayern went into the return fixture in seventh place, seven points behind the leaders, Borussia Mönchengladbach. Bayern plugged Bremen 6-1, and since then their record is spectacular: P17 W16 D1 L0 F57 A11. The Fiver hasn’t seen form like that since we rigged Championship Manager 01-02 so that we could win every game 48-0 and be sort-of-happy for a few hours.
“We want to be champions on Tuesday,” said Bayern coach Hansi Flick before the match against relegation-threatened opponents. “We are not giving away any gifts to Werder. We want to reach our goal on Tuesday and it is up to us. I think that Werder will try to close down spaces. They are keeping calm and they are backing their coach. That’s important. They earned points in recent weeks so all is still possible for Werder.”
Anything is indeed possible for Werder as of Wednesday. And while it can’t be good for football to have one team that dominates to such an extent, Bayern’s football in that time has verged on awesome. Müller, Joshua Kimmich and Alphonso Davies in particular make the world an infinitely better place. On recent form Bayern are miles better than the rest, and eight in a row could soon become umpteen in a row.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Rob Smyth for hot Bundesliga coronation action and Werder Bremen 0-4 Bayern Munich from 6.30pm BST.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t even know what to say. Just look at what we can do when we come together, THIS is England in 2020” – Marcus Rashford reacts after the UK government announced it would extend the free school meal voucher scheme in response to his campaign.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires channels his inner Jim Kerr to serenade the returning Premier League.
FIVER LETTERS
“Your reimagining of England v Scotland in 1996 (yesterday’s Fiver) is an altogether better way to remember football. Apropos of that, when Euro 2020 was called off, a couple of friends and I had the idea of reporting on it as though it really happened. We assembled a motley crew from Iceland to Ukraine, and Uefo 2020 was the result” – Stephen Glennon.
“Re: the Idlewild/Edwin Morgan reference (yesterday’s Fiver). Switching to the oval-ball world, back when MSN was a thing I would frequently set my status on Calcutta Cup days to ‘You will not shake us off, above or below’. Alas, with rare exceptions the English most definitely shook us off, above, below and from the side” – Aidan Flanagan.
“I must have registered for the Fiver mistakenly while under the influence of too many Linekers and lime. Is there an archive? I’d very much like to see some of your earlier efforts to see if they were always as perplexing (and occasionally funny)” – Robin Flowers (if you, er, insist – Fiver Ed).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Stephen Glennon.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The World Trade Organization has ruled Saudi Arabia was behind a pirate satellite TV and streaming service that illegally broadcast sporting events – increasing heat on the Premier League to reject their £300m Newcastle takeover.
Manchester City have launched a new campaign which aims to raise £1m to help people get back on their feet following the coronavirus crisis. City players will have “Cityzens Giving For Recovery” emblazed on the front of their shirts when they play Arsenal. Pep Guardiola is concerned about his squad’s fitness before the restart on Wednesday. “We were two [months] lying on the sofa, doing nothing much, and that’s why the players are not fully fit,” he muttered. One City player who did [snip! – Fiver lawyers] was Kyle Walker, but Pep played a straight bat. “I judge my players on what happens on the pitch. I think Kyle made a brave statement about what happened.”
Timo Werner is prepared to miss Fizzy Energy Drink Leipzig’s Big Cup quarter-final in August and finalise his move to Chelsea once the Bundesliga season finishes.
Hull’s bid to stay in the Championship has been dealt a blow after it was announced that captain Eric Lichaj, vice-captain Jackson Irvine, Stephen Kingsley and Marcus Maddison will leave the club when their contracts expire on 30 June.
And former Universidad de Chile player Guillermo Marino may have once set a new benchmark for excuses – by telling coach Jorge Sampaoli he was late for training because he had been abducted by aliens. “Guille explained that they take out your soul and analyse it,” claims former teammate Gustavo Lorenzetti. “He gave a great explanation and we’ll have to believe him.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Leganés are trying not to go quietly as La Liga returns to the Spanish city worst-hit by coronavirus. Sid Lowe reports.
Partick Thistle are threatening legal action over their relegation to the third tier of fitba. Ewan Murray thinks they are right to feel aggrieved.
Marina Hyde on Marcus Rashford v Boris Johnson, in which there can be only one winner.
Sheffield United’s Billy Sharp chats about being sent to a Millwall off-licence in full kit, and other, less worrisome memories with David Hytner.
Quiz time! Remember much about the 2019-20 Premier League season? Us neither. Still be fun, though.
Jamie Jackson fires up a soundtrack of dramatic strings before a defining few weeks for Pep and Manchester City.
Jack Grealish, Tanguy Ndombele and four other Premier League players Tumaini Carayol reckons may have a point to prove over the summer.
Villa get things rolling again in England’s top tier tomorrow – but it’s not the first big game they’ve hosted without fans in the stands, winks Steven Pye.
Our Premier League Restart previews are nearing the finish line. Here’s No 17: Tottenham and No 18: Watford. West Ham/Wolves fans: it’s almost time.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
