I have been with the same woman for 11 years. We are in our mid-40s, and our sex life seems to have come to an end. I was always the one to instigate sex, and although I was usually rejected, I kept trying. This was compounded after the birth of our children four years ago; we have had sex three times since. I strongly suspect she doesn’t love me or find me attractive any more. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, an argument follows.
You sound deeply unhappy, so gently share those feelings with her. But such an important discussion will only be productive if you can both approach it collaboratively, and avoid blaming each other. Instead, try to simply share what it’s like for you to go without intimacy, and how much you miss it. Acknowledge that you’re aware sex has become an off-limits subject, but that – rather than cajoling her – you genuinely want to understand her feelings. Then just listen. Don’t interrupt or answer – just reflect back what she says, so she feels properly heard and you receive the information you need. Relationships are usually strongly challenged when children arrive; the ensuing feelings and role-changes are complex. Most importantly, her role as a lover has changed to that of a mother, and many women struggle to reconcile those two aspects. This is not a simple case of dwindling passion. A relationship is like a garden; it will need careful weeding, replanting and tending for the rest of your lives.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
