With the news that a small proportion of new fathers are opting for shared parental leave (SPL), we wanted to hear your experiences.
Research among 200 employers by the firm My Family Care found that more than four out of 10 had not seen a single male employee take up the right. At 11%, only between 0.5% and 1% of male workers had taken shared parental leave and fewer than 10% reported more than 1% takeup. A further quarter of firms were not able to give a figure.
But for those of you who decided to take time off work what was it like? Did it meet your expectations? Would you do it again? Here are some of the responses we received.
Greg Hart: ‘It was certainly harder than I expected’
My vision involved sunny days in pub gardens and days at the cricket, with long naps for us both every afternoon. Some of my vision came true but along with membership to Gloucestershire County Cricket Club came a child which didn’t like to nap and certainly changed the dynamic of pub gardens and lazy days at the cricket.
It was certainly harder than I expected. Financially the lack of money towards the end reduced the options to do things other than go to parks and museums - I accept that there were baby singalong groups and the like but I really didn’t think I fitted in there and generally didn’t have a social group like the other new parents who were mostly female, and so at times I felt somewhat isolated. But I did manage to get to the cricket and have some fabulous days out with my daughter as well as see most of the new film releases at baby cinemas.
Ultimately I had a great time caring for her, a much greater understanding of what it takes to bring up a baby, and hopefully a much stronger bond with my daughter - although now three years old she still much prefers her mummy.
Fergus Connolly, Bath: ‘We became great duelling partners at hide and seek’
I think when I started out I hadn’t really expected parental leave to be hard graft (cue my wife finding my “secret playstation”), but it quickly became apparent that it would be. This really didn’t detract from the eight weeks. In fact in some ways, the intensity stoked our depth of bonding. It was full on, and full time, and exhausting.
The baby groups were great (sing and sign, bounce and rhyme, bump and grind etc etc...). I was definitely outnumbered by mothers, but I never found this to be an issue- my wife had done such a great job of priming them for me and vice versa, that I was really welcomed.
I have honestly never drunk so much coffee in my life. That makes it sound so cushy, but in the face of intense baby time, its more like a wired support group than cafe society. And all the time our baby just developed in the most extraordinary ways. She started pushing around her little trolley at fairly alarming speeds, we became great duelling partners at hide and seek, and she didn’t bother with dada or daddy, she went straight on to dad. Awesome.
Tom Hawley: SPL helped the whole household to ‘go with the flow’
There are massive benefits to SPL. The seven weeks I had with my wife and son allowed the whole household to ‘go with the flow’ and not worry about having to get up and go to work the next day, which placed less stress on sleep and general routine. When I went back to work I didn’t feel like a zombie.
I think the main reason that take up has been low is due to a lack of awareness and in some workplaces it would be seriously frowned upon or even be the point of derision. It certainly seemed to be the view when we were at antenatal classes. So I think there is still a way to go for equality.
I have a great relationship with my son and (breastfeeding aside) I feel like a fairly equal partner when it comes to caring for him, I can’t say this is all down to using SPL but I think that it certainly helped. Would I do it again? Absolutely. We’re already considering our second child and talking about what would be a good split of time and how our respective time off should complement each other’s.
John, Leeds: ‘Not only have we shared the benefits, but also the risks too’
My wife and I shared the leave for both our children so we have each had a year off work to provide childcare - six months each per child. It’s an opportunity that I have been extremely grateful for, and something I would encourage others to do if they have the chance. Not only do you get the undiluted pleasure of your child’s company, you get the chance to see the world from a different perspective and to find different ways of balancing your life.
Not only have we shared the benefits, but also the risks too. Taking lots of time off work is obviously detrimental to your career progression - why should it be only my wife who suffers that? I felt awkward telling my employers I was exercising my right to take six months off. But most pregnant women have no choice but to do that, knowing they face potential discrimination as a result. It was an eye-opener to feel that for myself. I hope the more men who take parental leave, the less easy it will become for employers to discriminate against expectant mothers.
But would I do it again? Of course! (I should add, in case my wife reads this, I mean in hypothetical scenario only darling, we can’t afford another...). I hope more and more men take the opportunity, not least so our children avoid growing up with the impression that child-raising is what mums do, and working is what dads do.
imbloodypossible: ‘I don’t have any intention of going back early’
I work in a male dominated environment and have had lots of comments about how I’ll want to come back early to escape the baby.
But two weeks in, I don’t have any intention of going back early. It would be a struggle for my wife to manage the new baby and the household chores on her own at the moment, especially as she’s breastfeeding. Being at home means I can keep on top of the housework. And spending time with my son is a joy - I get lots of cuddles (as well as becoming an expert nappy changer), whereas if I was commuting daily I’d barely see him. It means we can both fit our lives, and particularly our sleep, around him during these first few weeks - I feel we’re becoming a tight family unit. If I went back to work now, I’d feel guilty for abandoning my wife and missing out on my son’s early development.
I think a dads’ role in the family has been undervalued for a long time and I feel lucky that I can take this leave. I will be popping back to the office for the occasional ‘keeping in touch’ day, but for now it’s all about my baby son and developing as a family - which is how it should be.
