My partner and I are very much in love and are very solid in our relationship. We are both in our 40s and 100% sure we are right for each other. However, he is unable to ejaculate at all through sex. We are trying to have a family and so the pressure is on to perform. He was fine until I had a miscarriage. He is up for going to see someone to talk about it, but I can’t imagine what help that would be.
For your partner, there is nothing sexually exciting about a demand for his semen to appear in the right place at the right time. Be grateful he is willing to talk about it, and follow up as soon as possible by encouraging him to seek therapeutic work. This is particularly important since his inability to ejaculate during penetration may be linked to a fear of you having another miscarriage. Quite unconsciously, a man’s body will sometimes take on this kind of protective mode.
Also, consult a medical professional who could help you conceive and thereby reduce the frustration and pressure on both of you. Changing a relaxed and satisfying lovemaking schedule to a perform-on-time, goal-oriented style can have a devastating effect on a couple’s erotic connection – and even on the broader aspects of their relationship. And the fact that you are in your 40s and feel you must conceive soon only amplifies the pressure. Leave the heavy lifting to professionals and have some fun together.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu. com/letters-terms
