My fiance and I do not have regular sex. I am a high-level paraplegic and he is able-bodied. We have been together for six years and are due to get married this summer. Over the past two years, I have struggled with severe health anxiety and depression which has rendered our sex life almost non-existent. I am truly worried our relationship will become permanently celibate.
Any change in the power dynamic between two partners can affect their delicate erotic balance – for better or worse. And when one partner is, or becomes, the other’s carer, this can have a detrimental effect on their lovemaking. One reason for this can be that the act of helping someone who is physically needy can awaken parental, filial or familial feelings that – in a complex psychological fashion – link sexuality with the taboo of incest.
A seasoned sex therapist can help with this, but first the subject needs to be discussed frankly and in detail, with each of you expressing your true feelings and asking for what you need and want. Sexual experiences ranging from easy, comforting lovemaking to powerful eroticism are available to you both, provided you both want it and can work together to achieve it.
There are some wonderful resources available online for you and I would highly recommend the work of Dr Mitchell Tepper and his website, drmitchelltepper.com.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specialising in sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online and in print. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
