THE CIRCLE OF ENGLAND LIFE
Perhaps as a final “eff you” to a press pack that has criticised his every decision since England first miskicked a ball in anger at Euro 2016, Mr Roy originally elected to absent himself from today’s postmortem into his team’s exit from the tournament. Damned if he did and damned if he didn’t, his reluctance to play ball by declining to explain his team’s curious reluctance to play ball was understandable. After all, trying to make sense of England’s shortcomings following a big tournament exit is like dissecting a frog – nobody is interested and the frog dies. Luckily, in a U-turn that has characterised the uncertainty of his stewardship of England at Euro 2016, Mr Roy has now decided to put in an appearance, having apparently caved once again in the face of certain media outlets whose petulant, entitled demands that he constantly dance to their tune played no part whatsoever in the team’s downfall.
At what promises to be a fascinating debrief, Mr Roy will sit alongside FA chief suit Martin Glenn, who will almost certainly fail to pacify the angry mob with promises of an extensive review into England’s failure followed by “root-and branch-reform” to be overseen by an official FA-designated proper football man. Somebody who wears a blazer well, who has a bulging contacts book and vast experience of the foreign game, and who is never more at home than when addressing likeminded individuals at some boring FA technical meeting staged for the sole purpose of paying lip service to the much-needed development of English grass roots football. Somebody like Mr Roy, for example, who will have plenty of time to devote to the job having resigned from his post as England manager following last night’s humbling at the hands of Iceland. We await his findings with interest.
John Lennon once observed that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans and watching England’s footballers get their backsides handed to them, it was difficult to avoid the conclusion that getting beaten by Iceland is also what happens when you’re making other plans. Plans for how best to stop Antoine Griezmann getting between the lines, for how to stop Paul Pogba bossing midfield and how to maximise the strengths of Jamie Vardy now you’re finally playing against a “good” team that is civic-spirited enough to play to whatever strengths you’ve deluded yourself into thinking your side has in spades.
We have been here before. Many times. And with or without Mr Roy’s contribution to the autopsy we all know what happens next. Once the dust has settled and the obligatory handful of England footballers have been roundly criticised for being photographed enjoying themselves on holiday, a new England manager will be appointed and the job of qualifying for Russia 2018 will begin. A football process that gives players a welcome occasional break from the Premier League grind and bears little or no similarity to cloistering them in a hotel or on buses with tinted windows at an actual tournament, it will almost certainly go swimmingly, and in just under two years’ time, excitable talk of progress to the semi-finals will once again be heard. It’s the circle of life and it moves us all.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“This is done! This is done! We are going to Paris! Did you see that! Did you see that! Never wake me from this amazing dream. Boo as you like England! Iceland is going to Stade de France on Sunday. France-Iceland! You can go home. You can go out of Europe. You can go wherever the hell you want. England 1-2 Iceland is the closing score here in Nice. And the fairytale continues” – Icelandic commentator Gudmundur Benediktsson rides again.
A MESSI BACKSTORY
Diego Maradona is on Lionel Messi’s lawn, thrusting a boombox above his head and pumping out the KWS. “Messi must carry on in the national team … because he still has a lot to give. Messi was abandoned and I don’t want to abandon him,” he cheered. This, of course, being the same Diego Maradona who has previously supported Messi by saying …
13 July 2015: “It’s logical that he’s come in for flak, it’s easy to explain. We’ve got the best player in the world, who goes and scores four goals against Real Sociedad, and then he comes here and doesn’t touch the ball. You’re left saying to yourself, ‘Dammit, are you Argentinian or Swedish?’ People have got to stop droning on about Messi needing to be pampered. Messi should be treated just like any other player.”
9 June 2016: “He’s a great person, but he has no personality. He doesn’t have the personality to be a leader.”
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FIVER LETTERS
“Full marks to Mr Roy and his boys for so selflessly tapping into the nation’s mood and voting with their feet to join all of the other little Englanders in exiting Europe. Early replacements for the now vacant managerial seat must surely include Mr David, Mr Jeremy and most of the Labour front bench – all of whom will have significant amounts of free time for scouting missions going forward” – Jon Cotton.
“Does Uefa have an Article 50 that we can ignore for a few weeks, now our manager has resigned?” – Alan Butterfield.
“It’s good to know that even after getting beat by a tiny country where government investment means all players have access to fully qualified coaches from junior level, our press will still concentrate on the number of foreigners in our top division as the root of the problem. And they say modern football is unrepresentative of society at large” – Jason Tew.
“The solution is simple. England must change its name. Look how much Iceland has improved since it was Bejam” – Mike Dunton.
“As Mr Roy falls on his sword, it is timely to note that the Euros has a proud, albeit tenuous history of association with the ingestion of metallic objects. While idly googling during a 120-minute lull in the Copa América final, I learned that former French football administrator Henri Delaunay, after whom the Euro trophy is named, curtailed his short early career as a referee following an unfortunate incident during a match between AF Garenne-Doves and ES Benevolence, when he swallowed his whistle and broke two teeth after being struck full in the face by a ball. I naturally wondered what became of the whistle once it was eventually recovered? Perhaps it sits in a French football museum somewhere, alongside Patrick Battiston’s front teeth? At least we can rest assured that it was almost certainly never blown again” – Allastair McGillivray.
“I feel sad about Roy Hodgson. We have good memories of Roy here in Switzerland; he began the process of transforming our national team from an irrelevant laughing stock into, erm, a slightly less irrelevant laughing stock. All the bile turned against him seems a bit unfair – Iceland are quite good, you know? And Roy might have done an incompetent job, but he is a likeable fellow, a true gentleman and a dignified man; the polar opposite of Little Nigel and BoJo the Clown. On the other hand, I had bet 10 francs on England to end the Icelandic fairytale, so I’m a bit upset too. Feel free to go all wally with the brolly on poor Mr Roy” – Ursolin Waxoh.
“As an anglophile German, I can only watch with sadness and bewilderment how you keep shooting yourself in the foot over there. Unlike the ignition of national self-destruct last Thursday, yesterday’s #Brexitson was inevitable: Sigthorsson simply had to score, given that ‘Siegtor’ is German for ‘winning goal’” – Sebastian Schlund.
“Was Joe Hart’s attempt to stop Kolbeinn Sigthorsson’s shot really the howler that observers have branded it so emphatically? I grant that the Icelandic player did not hit the ball with 100% power, but it wasn’t exactly scuffed either, and he was nearly at the penalty spot when he pulled the trigger. I watched the replay several times and my conclusion is that Chris Smalling and Gary Cahill didn’t cover themselves in glory either, the former guilty of ball-watching and the latter sliding in too late and succeeding only in momentarily blocking Hart’s view of the incoming shot. It seems unfair to pin this loss on the Manchester City man and his supposed howler. The only undisputed howler in this match was the Iceland commentator at the final whistle” – Peter Oh.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mike Dunton.
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BITS AND BOBS
Dortmund are mulling over an “improved offer” from Manchester United for Henrikh Mkhitaryan. “We will decide at the weekend,” teased club suit Hans-Joachim Watzke. “I have contacted the relevant people and we will weigh things up at the weekend. And then the board will make the decision, definitely at the weekend.” Expect developments … over the weekend.
Competent international manager Jorge Sampaoli has hurriedly taken himself off the market, the former Chile coach joining Sevilla on a two-year deal.
“After the second game against Turkey, [people said] we had the best team in the world and the best players. And now we’ve lost.” Gerard Piqué sums up the abrupt end of Spain’s golden era better than we ever could.
Sadio Mané is set to become Anfield’s latest Senegalese hero, after joining from Southampton for a cool £30m.
Claude Puel is hoping to prove that Nice guys finish at least in mid-table, with the Frenchman set to move from the Riviera to Southampton.
Chinese Super League clubs are forming an orderly queue for … Mr Roy, it says here. “I heard a lot of managers are not for sale here [in England] right now,” tooted Eric Gao. “I think there are many chances [for Hodgson], they would love to sign him.”
Crystal Palace like the look of Belgium’s somersaulting striker Michy Batshuayi, and have agreed a £31.6m fee with Marseille. Whether Batshuayi likes the look of Croydon remains to be seen.
And Juventus have stuffed Dani Alves alongside Miralem Pjanic in their impressive summer transfer locker.
STILL WANT MORE?
England, embarrassment and “that familiar dunderheaded sense of unearned superiority”, with Barney Ronay.
Steve McClaren is once again the public face of an early England exit; find out how he, Donald Tusk and many others reacted to events in Nice.
Empty campaign promises, Mr Roy as a puffin and Kyle Walker on a zip wire. It’s David Squires on England 1-2 Iceland.
Iceland didn’t play a game on grass until the 1950s – now they’re three wins away from the Euro 2016 trophy. Amy Lawrence gives credit where it’s due.
If pizza-shilling, penalty-missing Gareth Southgate is the answer, what exactly is the question, ponders Daniel Taylor.
Kristjan Jonsson is our man on the streets of Reykjavik, where the victory party continues.
Here’s Alan Smith on where Republic O’Ireland go next after rattling a few cages at Euro 2016.
And after all that, it’s quiz time! Can you identify the Euro 2016 stadia from a birds-eye view?
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