THE BALLAD OF BARCA, ARSENAL AND STADE DUDELANGE
The Fiver has been going for the best part of 20 years now. Yes, yes, we know exactly what you’re thinking. Anyway, that’s roughly 843,572 editions, give or take a few hundred thousand. And we’ve never, ever, ever got anything right. Not once. So you’ll forgive us for taking the opportunity to crow after we finally broke our duck yesterday with this magnificent prediction: Arsenal 1-5 Bayern Munich. Yes! Get in there! Admittedly elsewhere in the email we also went for 2-1 to Arsenal, but cut us some slack, will you? We ain’t got nuttin’ else goin’ on.
But with Arsenal suddenly reduced to the status of Big Cup whipping boys alongside the likes of Stade Dudelange, KR Reykjavik and Lyn of Oslo, we’re on the lookout for a new bunch of Brave Nearly Men. If Arsenal are now the Omonia Nicosia de nos jours, who are the Arsenal of today? Why, Barcelona, that’s who! After all, they tick plenty of the boxes: they’re a big establishment club; they spent most of the 1980s either kicking folk or throwing hands; subsequently born again, they strut around like they invented the concept of passing; and they were pretty good for a while back there, even though it’s not going quite so well now. Yes, they’ll do.
Barça are currently in a similar pickle to the one in which Arsène Wenger’s New Spora Luxembourg found themselves last night: they need to overturn a four-goal deficit to stay in Big Cup, and that’s never been managed in the entire history of Uefa’s premier pot. Recent La Liga wins over Sporting Gijon (6-1) and Celta Vigo (5-0) offer hope that PSG can be similarly dispatched at Camp Nou this evening. “In 95 minutes, an infinite amount of things can happen!” argued Luis Enrique. “If they can score four goals against us, we can score six!” Very true. But the Fiver, long-time students of the Old Gunners, has seen this all before. We therefore predict a bittersweet, Arsenal-esque near miss for Enrique’s men: 3-0, too little, too late. Still, Barça fans shouldn’t give up all hope quite yet. Not least because the chances of the Fiver being correct two days in a row are not high.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The city of Chapecó is still in shock – they needed this victory. We knew we had to win to repay all the support we’ve had from around the world. This wasn’t just about sport, it was about emotion.” – Chapecoense coach Vágner Mancini, speaking after his side beat Zulia 2-1 in the Copa Libertadores – the club’s first overseas fixture since November’s air disaster.
FIVER LETTERS
“Oh, Arsène! So sad, so forlorn ... hey, does anything scream ‘spare tenner!’ more than Lincoln City at 25/1?” – JJ Zucal.
“I can’t really claim credit for this, but an online wag commented that after ‘Fergie time’ we now have ‘Wenger time’: 13:50 (ten to two).’” – Allastair McGillivray.
“Re: nickname for Craig Shakespeare. Leicester + Shakespeare = Richard III. So surely his nickname should be... ‘Car park’” – Gary McNulty.
“Erm, first of 1,057 etc. You don’t discharge the contents of a gasket - it’s a seal, not a container. If you blow your head gasket your engine is likely to experience a significant loss of coolant and serious overheating, or ‘do a Sánchez’ as it is (probably not) known in North London” – Steve Allen, and no others.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Gary McNulty.
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And we’ve now got tickets available for an evening with Ray Parlour and Andrew Cole on 13 March. Get them here.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Theo Walcott has had a lightbulb moment. “There are certain things that happen at training grounds … we can’t be fighting each other. Against Bayern we should have been smart and just [opted for] damage limitation, really,” he roared, with not a hint of hindsight.
José Mourinho is getting his excuses in early prior to Manchester United’s last-16 first-leg Europa League tie with Rostov. “It is still hard for me to believe we going to play on that field, if you can call it a field,” he blootered. “I spoke to one Uefa official and he said: ‘It doesn’t matter if the players get injured as they are insured’.”
Meanwhile Marouane Fellaini says he owes José for not murdering him earlier in the season. “He could have killed me, but, no, he defended me, he protected me,” he cooed. “I will never forget.”
The Scottish Youth Football Association has suspended 20 teams after disclosing that nearly 500 youth coaches have been barred after failing to undergo vetting checks.
Social media’s @Joey7Barton has had his FA hearing into betting charges postponed, meaning he’s free to stick the boot into Liverpool on Sunday.
Craig Gordon has trousered a new three-year deal with Queen’s Celtic after snubbing an offer from Chelsea’s bench in January.
Last and probably least, Kyle Naughton’s hamstring gah turned out to be hamstring meh, so he’ll be back for Swansea in time to face Bournemouth.
STILL WANT MORE?
Ed Vulliamy met his hero Stan Bowles and wrote this brilliant – and heartbreaking – piece on the QPR legend of yesteryear, who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. A must read.
Arsenal’s illusion of a comeback against Bayern gives way to latest collapse, writes Barney Ronay.
The last time Arsenal let in five at home in Europe fans stayed behind and clapped the opposition, remembers Steven Pye.
Lionesses learning: what England gained from their SheBelieves Cup campaign.
IT CAN BE DONE! How Partizan Belgrade overcame QPR after losing the first-leg 6-2 at Highbury.
Watch $tevie Mbe tell Copa90 about leadership, the players he looked up to and how he felt ‘a bit young’ when he became Liverpool captain aged 23.
Has a ‘City’ ever become a ‘Town’, or a ‘County’ a ‘City’ or a ‘United’ stopped being united? Or is the best we can do Meadowbank losing their Thistle when they moved to Livingston? It’s The Knowledge.
The Rumour Mill still isn’t over Dele Alli’s handshake.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
