That’s us, then - but do join Alan Smith for Arsenal-Bournemouth, right here.
So, Stoke move above Bournemouth into 10th spot with their first win over a side not in the bottom 3. They played well today, Martins Indi and Shaqiri especially, though Hughes will be particularly gratified by the performance of Imbula, who was excellent in central-midfield.
Watford, on the other hand, were hideous!
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Full-time: Watford 0-1 Stoke City
That was far more comprehensive than the score suggests. Naturally, Mark Hughes looks like a man whose cat has just run over his dog.
Update, courtesy of JR: “The reason Mark Hughes looked like that was because Mazzarri refused to shake his hand. Hughes was fuming.”
There is nothing worse (apart from spitting). Personally, I’d rather someone tore my ear off and poured lava in the hole.
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90+4 min Lovely from Shaqiri, who wriggles clear along the right by-line and rolls back for Walters; he steps over and leaves for Imbula, who smacks a shot over the top.
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90+2 min Again, Stoke break away easily, and again it’s through Shaqiri, bouncing through the middle. He finds Adam on the right win, who hits the corner, and when, eventually, Watford recover possession, Behrami is carded for an earlier foul.
90 min There shall be four added minutes.
RED CARD FOR BRITOS!
90 min Stoke break, and the excellent Shaqiri doodles away, buying time, before Britos bundles him over. That’s a second yellow for him, and a further ban to augment the one he received for that fifth yellow. He’s got no filter, that lad.
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89 min Behrami picks up possession 35 yards out and is buffeted from behind; no free-kick says the ref. But he finds Deeney down the right, whose cross is blocked, and the eventuating corner is headed clear by Pieters.
88 min Watford are so devoid of useful ideas they should run for government.
86 min On the right, Capoue drives a cross into the box, backheaded out by Johnson. But Janmaat collects the loose ball on the left and chips back in, seeking Deeney, but he’s forced to contort to get his head behind it and can only send an effort wide.
84 min Deeny flicks on the goal kick and Ighalo tries an overhead kick that sends the ball flying off the right. As it happens, Okaka is on the scene, but can only stretch and divert into the side-netting.
83 min Johnson fouls Pereyra, and Capoue lines up thr free-kick, on the left touchline, 40 yards out. He tosses it into the box, whereupon the ref espies Prodl tugging Pieters, so awards Stoke the free-kick.
82 min Change for Stoke: Crouch replaces Arnautovic.
81 min Ighalo turns up on the left and curls over a cross aimed at Okaka. Pieters has arms all over him, but he was getting nowhere near it, and the ref allows it to go.
79 min Pereyra forces the ball into the box and Deeney taps short to Okaka, who can’t find space for a shot, backheeling to himself to no avail. And Watford maintain pressure, forcing Grant to punch one clear then setting about things again, Janmaat meeting Martins Indi’s header with a hurried volley that flies wide.
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78 min Pieters shoves the ball down the line and hares after it, running straight into Amrabat. It’s probably a foul, and the ref gives one, at which point Amrabat is removed, perhaps for his own safety. Okaka replaces him.
78 min Shaqiri and Arnautovic are behind the ball - Shaqiri has a go, going low and hitting the wall.
77 min Shaqiri takes the ball in the Watford box and dribbles towards his own goal, beating and barging past three men. So Capoue moves towards him, Shaqiri falls, and the ref says free-kick. Looked dodgy to me, but that’s a free-kick just outside the D, dead centre.
75 min Gomes swipes at a clearance and slices the ball high into the air. Underneath it are Walters and Britos, so the latter barges the former, who dives claiming a penalty, and the game continues.
75 min Watford are starting to come. They’ve still created nothing, but they’re getting the ball in decent areas now.
74 min Pereyra’s free-kick is high, almost punted towards Britos at the far post. He can only loop a header back the other way - it’s not going in, but Grant fingers it clear anyhow.
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73 min Pereyra ventures over to the right and twinkles past Pieters, who bundles him over; free-kick to Watford, close to the by-line and halfway between flag and box.
72 min Amrabat prompts, and Pereya and Ighalo combine to play him in down the right with two crisp, banged passes. His cross is no use, but that was much better.
70 min Amrabat, though, has come into the game more these last few minutes and he drifts a cross into the box that taxes Muniesa. He still heads it clear, but.
69 min It’s coming to a point for Stoke: do they sit deeper and take the 1-0, or do they try and finish things. That’s about all there is to be said for Watford, who’ve been useless so far.
68 min Imbula, who’s had a decent game, moves through centrefield and slots a pass into Arnautovic. He should really drive at his man, but instead looks to slide a low cross into the middle; it’s blocked, and the consequent corner comes to nowt.
67 min Some wit! Amrabat, sloping down the right, slants over a ball for Ighalo, in the middle. But Johnson has anticipated well, makes to play it, then lets it drift behind once his man has given up. Still, that was better approach-work from Watford.
64 min It’s getting the point where Watford may as well just hump the ball into the box, so badly are they playing. But then Ighalo wins a corner down the left and they have the chance ... Imbula heads clear.
62 min Amrabat, back on the right, steps inside and has loads of options, but the movement in front of him isn’t great and he’s looking for a killer ball, so eventually Pieters steps in and robs him; so Amrabat fouls him back, and the game stops. Stoke will lap that up.
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61 min Watford have yet to create a chance; much as that says plenty about their abjectivity, is says equal quantities about how well Stoke have shut them down. And, whenever the ball has been in danger areas, Martins Indi, in particular, has been commanding.
59 min Watford are experiencing increasing frustration, and Janmaat is late on Adam, booting him up the back of the calf. He is furious to be penalised, when he should be relieved to have avoided a card.
57 min Ighalo has gone up front, with Amrabat moving to the left; 3-5-2 for Watford now.
56 min Ighalo will shortly be upon us. And there he is, on for Holebas who looks unimpressed.
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55 min Amrabat takes down a difficult spinning ball wide on the left, but after making room to cross, humps an effort well past the back post.
52 min Janmaat attacks down the right and nips inside Pieters, who steps across him. It might have been a foul, but the ref says not; it’s hard to sure, as the ball was in playing distance, but Pieters had no interest in it. So to redress the cosmic balance, Janmaat has a whack at him.
51 min Pereyra appears to be in behind Deeney now, and that looks a good call - he had hardly any of the ball in the first half. But it’s Stoke looking the likelier, and Arnautovic wheedles space outside the box, jinking the angle for shot - Kabasele does very well to block.
49 min “Dearest Daniel,” begins Mac Millings. “So, humble Stoke appear to have drawn the sting from the mighty Hornets. But never fear - these particular Hornets are the starfish of the insect kingdom, capable of regenerating their thorny poison points...ach, this is getting (getting!) laboured. I hope Watford win, is what I’m trying to say.”
As beautifully captured by Panini ’86.
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47 min Stoke break and Imbula finds Arnautovic down the left, who has half the pitch to run into. So away he gallops, but Behrami blocks the passing angle to Walters in the centre, though when the low cross comes, it’s a good one - just that, for some reason, Walters opts not to slide and the ball scooshes past the far post.
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46 min Deeney flicks one around the corner and Arnautovic, who ceded possession in the first place, barges his man over. Free-kick to Watford, which comes to nothing.
46 min We have started again.
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Half-time entertainment. I can almost feel my feet sticking to the floor, through the screen.
Half-time: Watford 0-0 Stoke City
That was an excellent half from the visitors, who dominated in midfield and also out wide. Watford could get nothing going, partly because their formation isn’t working, but mainly because they’ve been unable to pass the ball to one another.
45+3 min Holebas drives at the Stoke box, Adam stepping out of the road before the compulsion to trip gets on top. But Johnson appears from the side to slide in with a perfectly-timed tackle. Better from Watford.
45+2 min Deeney pulls left and jinks past Johnson, mooching into the box. But someone - Muniesa I think - comes across to unload him when he might have already shot.
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45+1 min Pereyra wriggles free of Adam beautifully, flicking and turning; he finds Janmaat, who has no options, so passes back to halfway. The home crowd are less than gruntled.
45 min There shall be (a minimum of) three added minutes.
45 min Watford’s passing has been abject so far. Capoue is actually playing fairly well, but every time he finds a decent ball, one of his mates ruins it for him.
43 min Shaqiri waltzes clear as Watford try and create something, he’s fouled, but the ref allows him to carry on until he loses the ball and things are pulled back. This is ill-received by the home team, who are enjoying a collective rolling boil here.
41 min Capoue appears on the right by-line and seeks Deeney with the cut-back, but Martins Indi reads the situation and intercepts.
40 min Nonsense from Watford, Pereyra dwelling on the ball close to his own corner flag. Holebas comes over to help him, so Diouf barges over and leaps over Holebas’ head for no reason, somehow winning the corner. Holebas is then booked for whinging while kicking the ball away, and Gomes easily snaffles the cross from under the bar.
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38 min Prodl lasers a long pass crossfield, for Holebas on the right. It skips up for him, so he commits to taking a second touch, at which point Diouf arrives, inserts his phizog, and wins a fortunate free-kick.
37 min Watford win a free-kick down the right and Capoue swings it towards the far post, where Britos and Prodl outnumber Walters. But they gets in each other’s road, and Britos can only thunk well over the top.
35 min Holebas picks his way into a crossing position and powerdinks one seeking Deeney. Muniesa intervenes, but this is better from Watford.
34 min The corner is rubbish.
34 min But here they come down the right, and Deeney pulls away to receive possession close to the line, swivelling into a cross and forcing Watford’s first corner.
33 min Watford are going to get one of these when they get back to the changing room.
31 min Stoke deserve that. Well of course they deserve it, they scored it, but also on the balance of play. They’ve shut Watford down, more or less, and created a variety of dangerous situation, though not many chances.
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GOAL! Watford 0-1 Stoke City (Gomes o.g., 29)
Excellent flat corner from Shaqiri, and Arnautovic’s run towards the near post pulls two men out of the box. So, when the ball arrives in the middle, Charlie Adam is alone and palely loitering, so he heads firmly down, and the ball bounces off the post, against Gomes and in.
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29 min Watford are pinned back here, and Stoke force a corner on the right...
27 min Shaqiri appears to have hurt himself in a tackle with Britos is booked and misses Watford’s next game.
26 min Deeney forages wide and finds Pereyra, at the left corner of the box. He tries a curler of similar ilk to the one he scored last week against Leicester, but can’t find the necessary draw.
24 min Amrabat and Muniesa grab at one another on the touchline, right in front of the linesman, and eventually Amrabat breaks free. Immediately, he’s penalised for a foul, so unleashes a mapolleh upon the aforementioned linesman, for which he’s booked.
23 min Walters dazzles down the left and swings over a cross, Britos doing well to flick a backheader away from Diouf.
22 min Kabasele fouls Arnatutovic and is booked. He looks like he’d rather be anywhere else.
21 min Kabasele has finally got his shirt on, and is now on the pitch. If Stoke have any sense, they’ll load right up on their left side.
19 min Younes Kaboul, who was a doubt for this game, has hurt his calf and can’t continue; Kabasele will replace him, when he’s managed to get his shin guards on. I mean, him, be called into action? Who could possibly have predicted such a thing.
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17 min Stoke are pushing Watford’s wide players back at the moment, rather like Spurs did to Chelsea last night. Both are excellent examples of ow to plays against 3-4-3: have more men in midfield, and lots of movement up front.
15 min Shaqiri wriggles some space centrally and finds Imbula, who lanks forwards and, with options either side, unleashes a left-footer from 30 yards that shrieks, hisses and fizzes millimeters wide of the far post. What a goal that would’ve been; what a shot that was.
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14 min Capoue carries the ball through centrefield - it’s such a useful ability that, and one not especially common. Anyway, he looks up to see Deeney making an angle ahead of him, but can’t quite slot a pass to meet his stride.
13 min Shaqiri’s movement is causing Watford all sorts at the moment - he’s knocking about just in front of Watford’s three centre-backs, but playing across the width of the park.
12 min This has been a good start from Stoke, and Arnautovic, on the right, rolls a perfect ball outside Holebas and into the stride of Diouf, pounding down the wing. Immediately, he rams a low cross across the face of the box, which only just eludes Walters.
10 min Watford find space on the right, and Amrabat carries the ball forwards, opting to shoot as things open up for him. His low effort is decent enough, but lacks the venom or direction to seriously mither Grant, who sprawls to save.
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9 min Costel Pantilimon is on the Watford bench, and I’m betting he played Lennie in the school play. Any suggestions for other literary characters played by footballers?
7 min Capoue, who’s raspberries are visible through his shirt, though he has one of those undergarments on, is late on Pieters, and Watford have a free-kick, wide on the left and 25 yards out. And Shaqiri’s delivery is excellent, prompting a delicious scramble. The cross is swung out, and eventually arrives at Diouf on the far side of the box, He tries an overhead kick which skews sideways but cannons off a couple of defenders and falls to Martins Indi. He can’t quite get the ball out of his feet, so, eight yards out, places when he might drive, and Gomes stands strong to prang clear.
5 min Holebas and Diouf leap for a high ball, and the knee of the latter caresses the midriff of the former; he then lands awkwardly, and there’s a break whole he’s treated.
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4 min Stoke win a free-kick down the left and it goes short to Shaqiri. He does his best to weeble about, but Kaboul and Holebas crowd him out and Watford force clear.
3 min Excuse me, my internet briefly vanished, but is now back. It’s now Watford 17-356 Stoke.
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1 min Stoke are clad entirely in baby blue. I don’t know, you tell me.
1 min Off we go!
“Romantic institutions what Watford’s known for!” emails David Hunter (from Austin, Texas). “Can’t believe you left off the Harry Potter film studios. A lot closer than Milton’s cottage in Chalfont St Giles.”
I don’t think that quite counts as Watford. I remember going to cub camp round that way, were one of my six arrived with his dad’s bongo. We were 7. I’m still scarred.
Incidentally, Troy Deeney is a hero. This interview explains why.
The players are tunnelled, and out they come, rainbow laced. Incredible it’s necessary in 2016, but there we go.
Thierry Henry is an amazingly cool man. But we all have our limits, and a double-breasted pinstripe syoot might just be his. Unless he’s about to begin a career as a City lawyer or stockbroker.
I wonder if Bony and Diouf might’ve been trickier to defend than Walters and Diouf.
Stoke lost Glenn Whelan this morning, hence Imbula’s inclusion; Bony has been playing well but is short of goals, so Hughes has picked Diouf “to be fair to the other guys in the squad”.
Jamie Redknapp is talking about Watford’s lack of continuity, but perhaps they’re simply appointing managers suitable for each level of development.
Odion Ighalo is warming up with only his eyes visible. It really is not that cold; it’d be awful if someone emptied the ice bucket down his bills.
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Talking of Mark Hughes, some vintage misery: Manchester United are 0-2-down to Liverpool. He rescues them with two fantastic finishes, then gives an interview of exceptional joylessness.
Sky reckon Stoke are going 4-4-2, with Walters up front. Mark Hughes, a 4-4-2 man? I don’t believe it.
The more I assess those teams, the more Watford look a handy bet, both teams to score too. That being said, I am useless at this kind of thing.
So, that’s one change for Watford, Holebas reclaiming his spot after suspension; Zuniga returns to the bench.
Stoke, on the other hand, are in something of a situation, without Ryan Shawcross and Phil Bardsley, who are injured, and Joe Allen, who is suspended; Marc Muniesa, Glen Johnson and Giannelli Imbula replace them. Also missing out are Bojan Krkic and Wilfried Bony, whose places go to Jon Walters and Mame Biram Diouf.
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Lovers and leavers
Watford (a voguish 3-4-3): Gomes; Kaboul, Prödl, Britos; Janmaat, Capoue, Behrami, Holebas; Amrabat, Deeney, Pereyra.
Subs: Pantilimon, Kabasele, Mariappa, Zuniga, Guedioura, Ighalo, Okaka.
Stoke City (a flexible 4-3-3): Grant; Johnson, Martins-Indi, Muniesa, Pieters; Imbula, Adam, Walters; Shaqiri, Diouf, Arnautovic.
Subs: Given, Bony, Crouch, Bojan, Ramadan, Ngoy, Verlinden.
Bossman: Martin Atkinson Robert Madley
Preamble
Despite the romance of institutions such as Costco, Cassiobury Park, Watford Springs and Paradise Lost , Kudos , Destiny , Oceana, the Hornets have been largely ignored this season. But in many ways, they have still been it’s most remarkable story. Regardless of the financial muscle of their owners, for a town whose population is roughly the capacity of Wembley Stadium to be 8th in the Premier League is remarkable. And they’ve done it in style, too, crafting a variety of impressive goals, thanks in particular to the intelligent dynamism of Roberto Pereyra, Nordin Amrabat and Etienne Capoue.
Stoke, meanwhile, had greater expectations. They have perhaps the most exciting and interesting array of attackers outside of the Champions League contenders, a grizzled defence, and suitably miserable manager who knows the league. But they started badly, and though they then recovered, their three consecutive wins came against the table’s bottom three sides, and a home defeat to Bournemouth last time out suggests a team still seeking momentum.
People who know nothing of neither football nor life will look at this fixture and sneer; the rest of us will enjoy two aggressive, enterprising teams going at it.
Kick-off: 12pm GMT
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