Hello and welcome to the fourth in our weekly live-review slots. Each week, we critically live-blog whatever happens to be on television on a given day, seeking to commune with the medium by watching it, describing it in mildly disparaging tones, and hoping that this, in some small way, will stick it to The Man, and the quality of television will, where needs be, naturally improve as a direct result.
I'm Anna Pickard, and with Janine Gibson tonight we'll be live-blogging the National Television Awards on ITV, to find out what important things the Overlords of British Culture can teach us this evening through the medium of the jabbering tellybox in the corner.
8.15:So yes. I, Anna Pickard will be with you for the first half of the ceremony. A ceremony where they haven't wanted to do anything as judgemental as ascribe the word 'Best' to any category - for where there is a best, I suppose, there must also be a worst.
And I'm sure that the big people in television would refute the fact that there could be a 'worst' in British television at all. They clearly haven't seen Food Poker yet.
So instead of the 'Best' things, I think we are to be presented with the 'Most Popular' things. And we all know what a true purveyor of quality THAT is.
8.18: Sorry, I should have pointed out that when I said 'with the stars' I meant 'the famous people on telly'. Not 'Me and Janine'.
So why are we here? To reel off the answers? To presume to know better than the deciders of what is 'popular'? No. The great British public are many things, but they can't be derided for being wrong, in this case. They may not know much about art, but they know what they like.
So we're here to comment on the quality of the television programme itself. How does this slice of television reflect on the greater nature of television? When television turns the lens upon itself, what does television see? When television meets television casually in the bathroom at a television awards ceremony ON the television, what does television say? How many times can I use the word television in this paragraph before it stops making sense to me? About eight less than I have, I think.
8.30pm: God, there's no such things as punctuality on ITV, is there? Where is this show? Here I am , sitting in the dark, typing silently and hiding from the knock-and-mug teenagers hammering on my door, and it's not even on yet. Instead, it's a trail for Trinny and Susannah.
No good. Ooh, here it is.
8.33: (tut) "It's starting! The show that you've been talking about all day!" ... Bloody liars. No I haven't ... "A host of glittering stars have gathered at the Royal Albert Hall" (yep, there's Martine McCutcheon) "for Sir Trevor McDonald to present ..."
Yes, yes, the National Television Awards.
8.36: It's all completely live, apparently, so if the Queen looks like she's walking out in a huff, jokes Trevor, she really is!
Well I say 'jokes Trevor'. Deadpans. Or 'Trevor says, a bit like a newsreader would'.
Most popular reality show, first, introduced by Kelly Brook and some dancing man.
8.39: And the nominees are: I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here Big Brother Shipwrecked: Battle of the Islands The Apprentice
See, I was wondering how they were going to fill this whole two hour slot with so few nominations, but now I realise. All the clips are about three hours long.
And the winner is ... I'm a Celebrity.
Really? Oh. I'm a Celebrity is the most popular reality show of the year. There we are. Not the Apprentice. Booooo. Well, The British public are clearly wrong. NEXT!
8.44: Most popular actress in a Drama? No, just Most popular Actress.
And, in a move that may set Gay Children's rights back twenty years, the award for being the best actress is being presented by camp young character from Ugly Betty. Justin. I can't spell his correct name without looking it up. No time.
"Oooh! He says! I had not idea how dressed up I should get. I didn't know how smart you Britain would be!"
Bless him. Can someone page the on-set educator for Ugly Betty, please?
Nominees: Freema Agyeman Lacey Turner Kara Tointon Sue Cleaver
And I've kind of not heard of one of those. Possibly two. Until yesterday, three. The winner is ...
One of those! Oh! It's Stacey from 'Stenders! She's getting married tomorrow. Or IS she?...
Adverts: I swear if I see this Katie Melua advert one more time, I'm going to go out on to the streets and brain someone. That's allowed, right? Halloween? I'm allowed to brain anyone I like, as long as I say 'Trick or Treat' first?
What I'm hoping for, of course, is at least one showing of the RSPCA campaign voiced by Simon Cowell. I mean, I know he loves animals and he means it deep down, but getting the most sarcastically-voiced man to try and sound sincere about dogs being used as ashtrays is frankly the most hilarious thing 'I've seen In Ages'. Really. I have it permanently open on my screen for when I want a giggle. That's not wrong, is it? Oh, we're back.
8.55:
Best factual: No, hang on, I just saw the list, not 'best factual'. 'Most popular' Most Popular Factual Programme:
Gordon Ramsay's F Word The Jeremy Kyle Show This Morning Top Gear
And, knowing what we know about television this year, I should have probably put some quote marks around 'factual', too. I'm racking my brain and can think of at least eight great documentaries I've seen this year.
I'm currently watching Janet Street Porter throwing plates at Gordon Ramsay while swearing. The award goes to ... Top gear
Top Gear is most popular factual programme in the UK. And people will whoop like tickled morons whoever wins, and however famous the whoopers are.
8.58: To cover their bottoms, ITV explains how this all came to pass. There was some kind of national poll (of how many? And whom?) and then you could vote online, or by post.
Apart from the newest category, 'Most Popular Talent Show', whose eventual winner will be decided by a phone vote tonight. Nominees: Any Dream Will Do Britain's Got Talent Dancing On Ice Strictly Come Dancing The X Factor
I'm not sure whether I should be making guesses at this point, but I'd go for 'Any Dream Will Do', their fans are, to use one word, 'excitable'.
9.04: Most popular Newcomer otherwise known as 'Top of the People I've Never Heard Of' Gemma Merna Kym Ryder Joseph Gilgun Jo Joyner
I remember this category from the voting forms (because I did vote, because women died for my right to do so) and, because you couldn't skip a category, I just voted for the one with the funniest name.
Oh, she didn't win. It's Kym Ryder! Oh, I have heard of her! She was in that thing with those people in that show with those things in it! Another ad break. Yay!
9.21: Come Ooonnn! Adverts - one of those badly dubbed deoderant ones. Which is good, because there's still a faintly bad smell in the air from the nomination of Jeremy Kyle for best factual. Peh.
HANG on. The sound of 'It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas' is suddenly assaulting my senses. Oh come on, Argos. Please, wait at LEAST until, I don't know, November has actually started? Please? Though it has reminded me to do all my shopping online this year. Not at Argos though. Just for that. Oh! There's someone knocking at the door! Turn the sound down!
9.12pm: Best piece of script from Sir Trevor this evening: "I like nothing better than to come home to a small box in the corner whose contents can transport me to another galaxy. Or, sometimes, the local police station. But sometimes I don't touch the drinks cabinet, and just watch television instead."
Brilliantly, his delivery is such that this moves past deadpan, into first confession of the ITV newsroom AA meeting.
9.15: Nominees for Most Popular Drama: Doctor Who Life On Mars Shameless The Bill
Well, I'm betting it's one of two. And simultaneously wondering how The Bill got in there.
Oh dear, they're showing that dreadful Messianic clip from the last episode of Who. I hated that bit. Where they're all chanting 'Doctor, Doctor, Doctor', praying his name and asking that he save the world. Not good.
A better clip from Life on Mars, all filmed in their patented 'ALWAYS FILM POINTING UPWARDS' technique that saved them so much on sets "Just stand next to a brick wall, or a chimney, in flares. Drive an old car past! BAM! it's the seventies!'
Who wins? Doctor Who, obv. It was mainly an internet vote you know.
9.20: David Tennant has just wished that he and Freema had time to individually kiss each and every one of the audience/the voters/the watching public.
*Sigh*
Oh, it's Sharon Osbourne, presenting Most Popular Entertainment presenter. Now, if we can only get her to stay on stage for the whole segment, we'll be on to a winner. Nominees: Ant & Dec (who are, as ever, one person) Fern Britton (also one person, who has perhaps eaten another person)(like I can talk) Graham Norton (One person who has enough love in him for all the other people in the world) Jonathan Ross (One and a half people, counting height and hair, but being paid the wages of forty-seven cheaper people) Paul O'Grady (Half a person, having left the female one far behind. Yonks ago)
And the winner is: Ant and Dec
Well that's just bad grammar. They can't pick up their award, because they're in LA, working. Which is funny, because Dean Gaffney informed us that they couldn't pick up the award because they were in Australia. I smell Faking! FAKING!
Aw, aren't they nice, bless'em.
9.28: It's Simon Cowell, accepting the award. The flattest voice in television. But he REALLY hates dogs being used as ashtrays, you know. Hates it. Oh! It's the adverts, and I'm off, ta ra - Janine's coming in to take you home (not literally) thanks, and good night... 9.30pm
Hello and thanks on behalf of all of us below the line to the fabulous Anna. We will struggle on with the remainder of this tribute to some of British television's least fraudulent programmes in the Year of Shame, as 2007 will officially be known hereafter.
It's good to know on this glittering occasion that we can put all that nastiness behind us. In that spirit, I voted for my favourites earlier today on the ITV website. Just out of curiousity, I then voted again. Using my real name and everything, just a different email address. That seemed to go well, so I did it a third time. Still I'm certain that somewhere in the system, my electoral fraud will have been spotted and eradicated. Let no one impeach the good name of the National Television Awards.
Anyway, phew. Ant and Dec won. That's a result for the ITV network centre crew. Time to crack open a bottle, lads. They very kindly invited me to tonight's festivities. I chose - actively chose, mark you - to be here with you instead. Yes, I was worried they would take the opportunity to kick me repeatedly in one of those lovely Albert Hall boxes.
And we're back with Sir Trev.
9.35pm - Amanda Holden presenting Most Popular Actor
nominees: Charlie Clements off 'Stenders (looks a bit like Prince Harry, only cares about Stace-who-isn't-Tiffany) Anthony Cotton off Corrie and The Anthony Cotton Show (not at all camp) James Sutton off Hollyoaks (no, I've got nothing. I'm too old for Hollyoaks. I understand it's undergoing a revival) David Tennant (he's Doctor Who, you know)
Yes, David Tennant's back. Being Doctor Who is a succession of surreal moments, he tells us before unfortunately referring to "fringe activities" at which point I stop listening to his acceptance speech because he's drawn attention to his extraordinary haircut. It's bad. Still, I don't suppose it will affect the quality of Doctor Who, which we love round these parts, so I'll simply confine myself to noting he is a local resident. Local to me. And if he'd like to stop by for a wee bit of trick or treating later, that will be fine. I'll save him a Quality Street.
9.42pm : "Lou and Andy" from Little Britain present Most Popular Comedy programme. In a twist, Walliams and Lucas are being the opposite Lou and Andy to the one they usually are. Turns out it's a harder twist to describe than you'd think.
Catherine Tate (maybe, I spose, might win. She's been denied so many times though) Ugly Betty (not a chance) My Family (I'm the only media metropolitan twat who quite likes My Family. It's a shameful secret, but I enjoy Robert Lindsay and Zoe Wannamaker. Actually, it's me and Dawn Airey) Harry Hill's TV Burp (must win. It's the only acceptable result)
And the winner is Catherine Tate. She's snubbed it, despite the fact that she can't be working what with her current job being Doctor Who and the rest of the cast are there.
Good to see I'm still the kiss of death to any popular vote.
9.52pm Phone lines have closed. Well not closed, so much as we've stopped counting. You can still ring in and we'll still take your money, it just won't count. It's probably counted if you've voted before now. Sorry, what was it you were voting for?
Tina O'Brien and Ryan Thomas (?) are presenting Best Entertainment Programme. She looks lovely. Ooh, another Corrie character has joined them for a bit of comedy business. It is, I feel certain, most entertaining.
Nominees: An audience with Take That Jonathan Ross 8/10 Cats Saturday Night Fraud.
(They've stopped doing the clips so we're having to go fast now).
Ant and Dec win. They do deserve it though. That Jiggy Bank was really special.
Trevor McDonald is now announcing that News at Ten is back in the new year. It's New ITV people! All at new times! With new editorial standards! Stop feeling queasy at the back.
I'm still having a word with myself about the fact that you can get away with *absolute murder* if you call it a public vote and I seem to have stumbled into Jeremy Clarkson's obituary package. Has there been a newsflash? Or is he, perchance, getting some sort of honourary award?
In my defence, I did attempt to do some prep by phoning the PRs and asking for a running order/list of nominations/some sort of clue what's happening at this event. They didn't have one. Or they weren't sharing it.
It's quite lengthy this tribute to Clarkson. His mother seems to be quite proud of him. He's swearing and being countercultural in many many clips. I can never quite decide whether he's Littlejohn awful or if I'm starting to feel a little bit sneakily fond of him. You'd think that would be me mellowing but actually, if a bleeding heart Guardian liberal is starting to feel a tiny bit indulgent of Clarkson, that's his worst nightmare. It hurts him more than me. God, that's brilliant. I might start watching old Top Gears on the baffling Channel Dave just to really piss him off.
Lewis Hamilton is attempting to be nice and present Jeremy with his honourary thing. Jeremy is being rude about Lewis moving to Switzerland. He's not being funny about it, just saying Switzerland!!! over and over. I take back everything I said in the last paragraph. Clarkson is infuriating. He won't even shut up long enough to let little Lewis present him with the award - just grabbed it off him and started talking about himself.
Fortunately, it's time for an ad break. We can use this time to process what just happened.
10.13pm Right. Hang on, because I'm starting to lose it. Ant and Dec have won two awards proving that you can in fact fool all of the people all of the time. David Tennant has won two awards proving that Doctor Who is ace. Catherine Tate has won one award proving that every dog has its day. Or maybe another cliche that doesn't imply that she's ugly. Or a bitch.
Jeremy Clarkson is not, repeat NOT dead. He is, though, in a language that he can understand, a bit of a cock.
10.16pm Craig Revell-Horwood and Sharon Osbourne are about to duke it out in Most Popular Talent Show. Darcey Bussell and Katherine Jenkins (or posh totty from the High Arts) present.
Nominees Any Dream Will Do Dancing on Ice The X Factor Strictly Come Dancing Britain's Got Talent
An alarming number of those clips were familiar to me. Turns out my life is one long variety show. Jesus. No wonder I'm so angry about the parlous state of British television. I've got to start claiming some refunds. The X Factor wins. Sinita is overjoyed.
Simon Cowell: "I'd just like to say, Andrew Lloyd-Webber, there's nothing wrong with losing. It's the taking part that counts".
Simon is being sincere and thanking "a) the audience for watching every week and for everyone who's bothered to pick up the phone and vote for us tonight we absolutely, genuinely love you. Thanks very much."
This is a - I hesitate to call it a rhetoric device - verbal tic, he uses every week. He starts with point a, and then leaves you hanging, waiting for points b) and c). What were they Simon? Tell us!
Best Soap Come on, move along, we're running late and there must be an attenborough needs an honourary gong. I can't be arsed with the nominees. Guess..
winner = Stenders
(the younger generation of rival soap cast members look satisfyingly disgruntled)
June Brown who is Dot Cotton is bossing them all round. The shuffling of the pecking order in Albert Square must be quite a spectacle.
Well that's it folks. No Attenbroughs are going to grace this with their dignifying presence. What have we learned? We've learned that either the British public have very short memories and forgiving natures, or ITV has no shame and James Grant Management employees are at risk from RSI from multiple voting. That is of course a lame joke and in no way a suggestion that anyone connected with Ant and Dec would attempt to rig a ballot. Or indeed have any need to do so. I'm quitting while I'm ahead.
Anna will come back and tell us what she has learned. For she is less cynical and jaded. I thank you all for your company and shed a small tear for Life On Mars. They was robbed. Good night.
10.40-and-a-bit Hello, Anna back again for the customary What have we learnt summary of this evening's enlightening spell of British television, which, as you can see, Janine has more than ably covered above. So ... Um ...
What have I learnt? Well, I've learnt A) That the British people stand firm on many things. The Euro. Rice Pudding. Distaste for dogs being used as ashtrays. And Ant and Dec being lovable cheeky chappies no matter WHAT reprehensible audience shaking-down they preside over. B) I've learnt that I like the delivery of Sir Trevor McDonald, but cannot cope with Funny Trevor. I admit that he maybe as funny as kingdom come As A Person, but put him in front of an audience and the delivery goes all newsreaderlike and I just can't hear the jokes. I can just hear Really Odd News. C) Jeremy Clarkson is, apparently, a deity. D) The word 'Soap' is gauche. We must now use 'Dramatic Serial (with slightly wooden acting, cardboard sets and utterly outlandish visions of social interaction)' because it is more PC.
On a personal level, I've learnt that students act like pillocks on All Hallows Eve, that the iPhone is a lot less overhyped than I may previously have thought, and, presently, I'm learning that this Friday's episode of 'The Green Green Grass' should have been put down at birth. Or used as an ashtray.
And on that, thank you, on behalf of myself and of Janine (again), and goodnight. And see you next ... Wednesday?
