It has been a big news day. Northern Rock has been nationalised. Mohamed Al Fayed has called Prince Philip a Nazi. Welcome to the debut of Five News with Natasha Kaplinsky. News with personality. News with conversation. News as it has never, ever felt before!
4.49pm: Greetings all... It is about ten minutes to showtime and I am watching a typical Channel Five period drama.. that is to say, a 1990s cop show. I think that is Emma Samms, ex-Dynasty, in red faux- fur jacket, which presumably Natasha will not be togged up in for her Five News debut.
I am sure that Five is delighted with all the pre-publicity for its newscast, but possibly a bit miffed at how much coverage is all about the hair, the new couch Nat will perch on, the t-shirt and jeans ensemble .. I kinda feel that I am blogging the Oscars, which for most newspapers is 90% about the frocks and 10% about the films.
Rest assured. This blog will be all about the journalism. And the opening titles. And the deep magenta chosen for NatKap's chaise longue.
*A note to readers. Due to my anger towards a vile piece about NatKap by Daily Mail writer Amanda Platell, I am going to resist the temptation to call Natasha 'Spangles' for the length of this blog.
5.00pm: And so it begins. We start with a fat man. Britain's most banned driver.
Then some zingy opening titles. Blue ribbons zip across the white background and spin into a Five News with Natasha Kaplinsky logo. Er, hold on.. blue and green should never be seen.
NatKap looks entirely relaxed on her magenta chaise longue as she introduces the opening item, about Britain's most banned driver. This looks like a bit of a let down, until he starts to shove the reporter on the side of the road.
This is a loooong story. And Jacqui Smith, home sec, has agreed to appear, with her best concerned face, for an interview.
5.04pm: Crime correspondent Jason Farrell is talking to Nat on the corner sofa. He is puffing his blog! Couldn't we have had a live cross outside the fat man's house?
5.07pm: And we are on to the second story. Mohammed al Fayed's incredible claims at the Diana inquest. A good solid piece.
5.08pm: I'm deeply, deeply worried about the set. Deep magenta for the couch, deep blue screen right, and an extraordinary patterned purple wallpaper on the right. In front of this Nat's black blouse is positively restrained.
5.11pm: After a voice over about Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, who had still not reached a settlement, a human interest story about Laura, who has four kidneys. She plans to give two away. Bless!
5.13pm: Time for a commercial break and time for a breather. TBH, I can't really see what all the fuss is about. It seems a pretty standard news bulletin to me.
5.15pm: A reminder of the top story. Not needed in my view. Fat man again.
Then we get onto Northern Rock and a chat with former Erasure frontman and now Five political editor, Andy Bell, outside 10 Downing Street. Clever graphic converting Number 10 into a Northern Rock branch. "What about our money?" The Five pol ed wants to know.
5.18pm: What is this. Your news apparently. A woman called Crystal talking about her life as a gypsy. Five News is the ONLY news to offer this service, NatKap informs us. On the strength of this item it is not hard to see why. It was gone in about 60 seconds.
5.19pm: Something about miming to your favourite songs on a bedroom TV website. Quite fun as the reporter mimics both Queen and Sinead O'Connor video clips. Cue X Factor freakery. I missed Nat's back announcement, but you can catch the funny vid clips on the Five News site here.
5.22pm: That's it from Nat. With a pic of a shark to tempt us to tune in again at 7pm. Just how many news bulletins are we meant to watch in a single day?
Well, congratulations Natasha. You read your first Five News bulletin with aplomb and are clearly an asset to the programme. But the blue ribbons, coupled with the tinny theme music, lacked gravitas. Where were the 'chills'? The nods to blogging and user content were tokenistic and added little to what was a standard, well put together bulletin. And fat man in a car was not as interesting as Mohammed al Fayed's vicious attack on the Royal Family. It should not have lead.
I fear this revamped news is a step backwards. But a step backwards from what?
