Well, not YOUR mother, unless she's there, nor mine, as she doesn't have a telly. Nor am I anyone's mother, and would certainly never presume to ask that you think of me as yours. What I meant was that this week's live-blogging a slice of British television had something in common with early television hit 'Watch With Mother', you see. Because it was about kids, and so, this evening, are we.
We are, in fact, all about Richard & Judy's Best Children's Books, because that's what we'll be watching from 8-9, reviewing televisual history as it happens, and hoping to provide the channel bosses with some idea of what we, your average, normal, bog-standard viewer, might think about their meagre profferings.
Or that's the idea, anyway. Or perhaps it isn't. Who can tell.
Anyway, we're here to see whether Richard conforms to standard and says something really dubious about, to, or within earshot of a small child; whether Judy conforms to standard and says something mildly patronising with her boobs out (about, to or within earshot of a small child) and whether we think the pair (of 'them', not 'of Judy's') can have the same golddust effect on the Children's publishing market that it has on the adult one.
We may also discuss their choice of books. Not me, as I haven't got a clue. But if you'd like to comment, and do have a clue, please, PLEASE do so.
7.54: From flicking around the end of various news this evening, I have discovered that Jon Snow continues to have delectable taste in socks, that John Suchet has frankly enormous hair (and, as a side note, that it's very difficult to find mention of his sterling Police Camera Action work on his dedicated website. We do find out he's an acknowledged expert on Beethoven, who was well known to love Police Camera Action, so you'd think he woudl have mentioned it, and ... Oh, it's about to start)
Well, it looks like there's going to be no ban on smacking. But will there be a ban on smacking with books? Or smacking for refusing to read? OR for refusing to read anything that hasn't got a Richard & Judy Kids Books Clubs sticker on? Only time will tell.
Or this show.
Oh, it's just started.
8.01 Richard and Judy have appeared. They have filled a studio full of children who should frankly be in bed by now. They describe some of the experts that will be talking to them this evening about childrens books.
They include: Jacqueline Wilson. She writes the Tracey Beaker books. Philip Pullman. He writes childrens books, and is a type of train. Ricky Gervais, who they have introduced as 'the funniest man in Britain', which is getting a little tired as a description, perhaps, and The Cast Of Heroes. Which is, decidedly NOT a children's television programme. In fact, it's unspeakably violent and scary, and I would probably gouge my children's eyes out before allowing them to watch it.
I don't have kids. Probably best.
8.04: Judy hasn't had any kind of wardrobe malfunction yet, so there have been no nipples. But Melinda Messenger has just arrived, so here's hoping.
8.07: Apparently she doesn't do that anymore.
I think we may have made a mistake in stating our intention to live-review something that only has a 40% chance of nudity, mind. It's all about marketing. We'll think on.
8.08: Why is this being shown at 8? Isn't this a programme they would want to engage with children, do we not think? So perhaps, in general, their normal 5-6 slot would have been better for ... Oh, what do I know.
All I know is that if I *did* have children, they would hopefully be in bed by now, and yet I would still be sitting here being told by Ricky Gervais that I should learn how to read 'because it's totally wicked', or whatever it was he said.
And, you know, I know how to read. Mainly.
8.11: Jacqueline Wilson's on. I used to live with a couple of young girls who idolised her. Really. They thought that strawberry jam came out of her pores. Perhaps it does. It is hard to tell from this distance. Although she IS surrounded by wasps, so it is possible.
8.12: She's not really surrounded by wasps. That was a lie.
They're more rounded, I think they're bees. There's no one out there reading this, is there?
8.14: The Pied Bee-Woman of Children's Literature is very lovely, and has a very tall head, like a novelty egg. It must be all the ideas in there.
8.15: They have divided books into four reading ages. Early, Developing, Confident and Fluent. Which they are moving through in some order, although I'm not entirely sure which order that might be.
We understand that some children were given books that stopped half way though, and then asked to pick which one they would like to finish. The boys liked one called 'Spy Dog' - at which point Richard revealed to everyone that he likes to read newspapers on the toilet.
This was connected, I promise. Kind of. Later: what he likes to do in the locker room.
8.19: Gordon Ramsay's long-suffering and lovely wife - GordonRamseysWife Ramsay - is in residence, having brought their twins. Boy twin is young, blonde, and looks like Gordon might if you uncrumpled him. You know, if you put Gordon's head off and laid it down on a table and perhaps ironed it? Well, he looks like that. Bless.
I wonder what time the wrinkles of the Ramsay male set in. Maybe with the teenage years. The balls drop, somehow untangle the knot that's holding the skin taut, and the whole thing falls in upon itself.
I feel a bit nauseous now, sorry. One minute I was talking about Gordon Ramsay, the next I realise I'm discussing ...
Gosh, um, ooh, look! Something's blowing up.
8.25: While the writer of the Alex Ryder books - a man in deep denial of his receeding hairline - talks about spybooks for boys, I have been chastened by being pulled up in the comment box. Drbendyspoogun informs me that it is Alistair Stewart rather than John Suchet who narrates Police Camera Action. Oh. Beethoven must be so disappointed.
As am I, of course, but have to be the bearer of the assertion that the Stewart and Suchet are almost definitely sharing a hairdo. Possibly on a day on/day off basis. Perhaps they can cut this receeding author in on the deal? Horwitz, I think.
Nono, no gesundheit, I mean I think that's his name. Oh forget it. Advert break...
8.33: Anthony Horowitz says his first book was Tintin because he wasn't very clever. Oh. Does this mean I'm not very clever either? I think my first book was Tintin.
I was 23 at the time.
8.36: There are two beautiful, well-mannered, verbose girls talking about the 'confident readers' section of books, wearing nametags that read 'Mia' and 'Matilda'. I think the R&J Childcatcher has been casting his net around Islington. Who's with me?
8.28: Ryan and Alexander comment on behalf of the boys. Yes, then.
Best quote of the evening so far - "It was like Harry Potter, but better. And more interesting"
Ah, how fast the worm turns. The worm in this case being 'the children of Britain'. 'In worm form'.
The cast of Heroes have just come on, or two of them (the two who currently deny they are knobbing)
"Reading is great" they are telling us. "It's really useful"
8.41: Ooh, here's Sting. He also thinks that reading is great, and is telling us the his house is full of books and he loves sitting amongst them and reading them all. This is pre-filmed, right? Because according to a BBC map yesterday, all those books, are now, you know...
[Anna makes sound effect that sounds a bit like 'Wrrouuououuf!' and associated finger movements]
8.44: The older children are telling us about the 'fluent' section of books. They're having a very intelligent discussion about it, and I think that we, as a nation should therefore be proud.
8.46: The producers were clearly as impressed by the discussion as I was, as they've chosen the two that I can remember actually saying clear, clever and concise things in the cutaway as the two people to announce the winners of this section. Who were, um, I don't know. Sorry.
It's like, if this was a football match minute-by-minute, and I forgot to tell you who scored the goals.
Or that there were goals.
8.48: On the adverts, we hear tell of the wonderous 'Flameless Scented Candle', which would appear to be a small bowl of air freshener that glows a bit. As a civilisation, I'm not sure we have anywhere else to go, do we, now?
8.51: And here we are, cruising into the final stages of this evening's 'Live-blogging review thing as it happens on the telly feedback comment and deconstruction session', as we hear this featurette is talked about on the bad streets and in the back rooms of bars up and down the country.
Phillip Pullman is talking in his soft, mannered way. We have learned that he can write with any kind of noise, any kind of distraction, but cannot write with any kind of music on whatsoever. Interesting. A bit.
Richard has just revealed that he's labouring on his own book, at present (memoir? surely he's already done those, he's way past age, you're supposed to have your second volume out at 25 nowadays, aren't you?) (she said, sounding extremely old and dull) and is giving tips to Philip Pullman.
Oh, no, he's telling Philip Pullman's own tips TO Philip Pullman. That's like taking coals to Newcastle, no? Or tips to Pullman. By pullman. Or nips to Finnegan. Sorry.
Hang on, it's only bloody over, isn't it. I'm a little deflated.
Alright, I'll be back in a second, and we'll review What We've Learnt today.
And what HAVE we learnt today?
1) We have learnt that there are a lot of good childrens books out there - at least 19. 2) We have learnt that Richard & Judy like children's books, and that maybe we'd retain a little more information about which children's books they DO like and wished to recommend to us if they talked about a few less books (maybe any number less than 19, I don't know) in the course of one hour. 3) We have learnt that when someone throws nineteen titles of books at you in less than an hour, it is difficult to remember anything about any of them, except that two contained the word 'underpants', one contained the word 'Giraffe', several were predictably about magic and things, and NONE were 'My First Big Book of Murder' 4) We have learnt that maybe when you're running a regular featurette you should probably do it at the same time at least two weeks in a row otherwise you confuse all your lovely readers. 5) We have learnt that Judy Finnegan doesn't always get her norks out, even when the show's dragging and perhaps she should. 6) And we have learnt that if you write the word learnt enough times, it isn't a word anymore. 7) Oh, and that Ricky Gervais is 'The funniest man in Britain'. Who knew.
Thanks for reading this far, if you have, and for commenting, if you did, and for anything else you may have done today, or may do tomorrow, if those two things weren't on the agenda but someone told you about this bit. Or something. I'm going now. See you next week. Maybe.
