Good evening and welcome to Watch With... the weekly feature in which we take an hour in the life of British television, dive headlong into it, swim through its murky depths with our eyes wide open and emerge at the other end, gasping for breath and with a deeper knowledge of not only who we are as people ... but of what those who create must think of those who consume that this is what is proffered to entertain us; the humble, huddled masses.
Or: we liveblog it, reviewing it in real time with mildly intelligent observations and snarky comments. Whatever. This week, delving into BBC3's new relaunched programming, we watch as Dawn Goes Lesbian from 9-10. If you're watching, leave a comment, tell us what you think; if you're watching something else - hell, tell us what we're missing. Click on read more to read more; hit refresh for new updates and comments...
So, Dawn goes gay, eh? Now, while I'm trying to keep an open mind about this programme until I've seen it, because that is the only fair thing to so, I have a couple of problems with this title. 1) "Dawn" is overfamiliar. Call me wild and revolutionary, but I truly believe that to be one of the single-moniker squad, you have to be the most famous person with that name. I'm sorry, but it's true. And, well, while Dawn Porter is most likely well-renowned and well-respected in many circles, I haven't yet come across a conversation about this short series that didn't begin:
Person A: "Did you see Dawn Gets Naked?" Person B: "What, Dawn FRENCH?" (Generally in the hilariously alarmed tone of voice intended to suggest that the thought of fat people with their clothes off is only surpassed in simultaneous funny-shockingness by the thought of matricide-by-tickling). Or Person A: "Here, look what's on tonight: Dawn Goes Lesbian!" Person B: "What, Dawn FRENCH?!"
etc. Sorry, BBC3, but until Ms Porter's fame surpasses the nice lady with the Lego-hairmet, it might be best to stick with less cosy titling convention.
2) "... Goes Lesbian". It just sounds wrong. Goes Gay sounds more natural, but I'm guessing that was discounted, this being a series focussing on Wimmin's Issoos, and that being a gender non-specific term. But it still sounds clunky. What about 'Goes Lesbianical', or 'Gets Lesbianated?'. You can't honestly tell me those make any LESS sense.
3) As I said earlier on the Jason's curtain-raiser post for this blog: At the moment I'm a bit stuck on the idea of the weirdness of the concept. Last week, Dawn (Porter) investigated questions of body image by getting naked. Which makes sense when you're talking about more of a universal: you can investigate 'being naked' by simply taking your clothes off. But this? This is about investigating a specific thing: about having a completely different sexuality. Which is not - and I could be misinformed, I'm always open to being wrong - the same as a physical action like the removal of clothes. It's fancying people of the same sex, because that's who you are. I'm just not *quite* sure how those work as part of the same short series. Them being pretty radically different things.
But it could work perfectly well. Open minds, people. Open minds. Back at 9.
9pm: Even the continuity announcer sounds unsure. "Now, strong language as Dawn [Porter] throws herself into another .... erm ... 'investigation' shall we call it?"
Well that's promising, isn't it?
9.02: Dawn, a girl-girl with a big love for men ("as friends, lovers, boyfriends, anything!") is prepared, for our sake, to thoroughly immerse herself in the lesbian life for a whole month. In order to do this, she's going to eschew all contact with straight men completely (except for professional purposes). She won't let herself have any flirtation or sexual contact with men for the whole month. She'll completely immerse herself in the lives of lesbians and speak to no one but lesbians, if at all possible. Well, I'm glad this is starting on a completely reasonable, realistic jumping off point.
With trepidation, Dawn (Porter) prepares herself for the experience. "I don't know what to pack" seems to be the main concern. Are leather trousers lesbianny? What about stilettos? Will THEY approve? She briefs her ugly cat: "We're going to go and live with lesbians", she tells uglycat. Uglycat miaows. "What do you MEAN you don't want to!?" she squeaks.
Oh fer jayzus.
9.06: Arriving at the house in South London (euphemism? Not sure), she's bowled over by the three attractive women who answer the door. "I can't BELIEVE you're all LESBIANS!", she shouts.
Later, they take her to a club, and, despite her wearing her best pulling outfit, she doesn't pull, and is upset and confused as to why.
Maybe it is because she's a) Straight, and keeps banging on about it and b) Greeting people with loud shouts of "I can't BELIEVE you're a LESBIAN!!!"
Just a guess.
9.10: Dawn goes to see a shrinky-lady, with whom she has a conversation about whether all women are a bit gay really, even though they don't know it. The shrinky lady thinks so. It's almost as if she were picked for the purpose. Dawn says OH! and is very giggly and surprised.
I'm trying to keep an open mind. I'm trying to keep an open mind. I'm trying to keep an open mind.
9.14: Dawn (Porter) (Oh alright, I'll stop that in a minute) and her housemates take an online test that will determine how gay or straight they are. While all the housemates, who are gay, turn out to complete the test as mainly, almost completely gay. Dawn (who is straight, remember) comes out of the test as being really quite strongly ... wait for it ... straight.
Dawn breaks down at this point, and confesses to the other women that actually, she has done 'lesbian things'. She's had ... gulp ... a threesome. And she liked it.
They look underwhelmed. If there is any whelm below that, we, at home, look it.
9.18: In order to investigate this in greater depth, Dawn attends a cunnilingus class in central London, introducing the segment by voiceover in a not at ALL defensive way ... "I certainly know how to handle a man ..." she says, in the same tone of voice that she said "I can't believe I've spent the whole night in a club and not pulled!" earlier.
Yes, we get it, you're straight, you like having sex with men, and they really like having sex with you. Why Are you DOING this, then?
Seriously, I hope she's learning something from this, because I'm not.
After the class in impressing a female lover, she's surprised when she's chatted up quite overtly by another woman from the class. "Is this what it's like?" she wonders. Well, yes. If you're in such a situation of quite such overtly open sexual discussion, people might be a bit more forward than they might otherwise. I'm not sure that displays exactly what it's like to be gay all the time.
Though, you know, what do I know? Dawn (Porter)'s the one on the journey... What's going on now? Ah, she's watching porn with a sexual excitement meter put in the apposite place to register that kind of thing.
My, this liveblog's bringing out a whole BUNCH of phrases I never thought I'd get to use at work.
9.24: After a disastrous internet dating site date, where Dawn's lucky companion leaves after 20 minutes (so that's approximately 19 and a half minutes after the first "I can't BELIEVE you're a LESBIAN!", then) Dawn decides she's going to have to make some sacrifices if she wants to pull in the sapphic community. Yes, she has her long red nails removed and filed down.
What? Because you can't have long red nails if you're ... no, hang on, sorry, I didn't think that through before typing. Moving on.
9.28: Dawn and her housemates discuss the fact that female sexuality is more fluid than male, although Dawn's point is slightly undermined by the fact that all the women she's living with seem to have decided on their sexuality at quite a young age after limited and unsuccessful relationships with men.
Which is not the same as Dawn's apparent belief that anyone can be gay if they just try hard enough.
9.30: After hanging out with some Brighton drag kings, Dawn binds her boobs and males up.
She finds that dressing up as a man somehow empowers her, and takes herself off to the nearest lesbian bar in checked shirt, cap and combat trousers to try out her new butch image.
After a while, she runs to the toilets, and gets upset. This whole male thing isn't working for her, she says, flapping her hands with the hot pink nails (short) and pouting. She tries to chat up some women.
"Do you want to dance?" She shouts. "Um. Why?" says a pretty lady.
She's finding it all really hard.
Later, with Blair Witch camera pointed up her nose, she tells the camera she's really horny. And the funny thing is, she says, all the time she's been lying there, thinking about sex, she's not once thought about sex with a woman. She's just been thinking about sex with men. All about men.
Yes love. It's because you're straight.
9.38: Desperate to awaken SOME lesbian feeling within herself before the month is over, Dawn goes to see another learned person, who tells her that she could probably recondition her sexuality though masturbatory means (seriously, I'm so glad that no one's reading this tonight but H Factor, because I'm blushing enough as it is without a mass-meeting of commenters) but he really doesn't advise she should do that.
She decides to do it anyway, and resolves to spend at least an hour a day immersing herself in lesbian porn. And even buys an electric shock device to give herself shocks every time she finds herself fantasising about men by mistake. Oy oy oy.
9.42: After a night of watching female strippers, and days of immersing herself in female porn, Dawn is alarmed to wake up and tell us that she had a sex dream. About women.
You know what? I used to work in a crisp factory, right, and after a 12 hour shift of handling crisps and packing crisps into crisp boxes, and looking at crisps, and eating crisps on my break and talking about crisps, I would go home and sleep a fitful, dream-filled sleep. And guess what I dreamed about?
Lesbian sex.
No. Not really.
I dreamed about crisps.
9.45: Dawn gets a job in a lesbian bar, and, in tiny tiny pink hotpants and a tighty whitey vest, bemoans that still, no one is trying to pull her.
Back home, they discuss whether lesbian relationships are more or less violent than hetrosexual ones, which prompts an interesting discussion about whether, because women understand each other on a different level than in a male/female relationship, there is a greater tendency toward mutual self-destruction, because ... oh, no, hang on, the interesting discussion ends abruptly as we move back to Dawn in hotpants again.
9.48: After her shift behind the bar, Dawn dances with some of the customers and finds herself getting drawn to them in a way that makes her feel a bit tingly down there. At this point, she asks the camera crew to leave, because, having reached the point she's been trying to get to all the way through this DOCUMENTARY, she doesn't feel that having cameras there are appropriate.
9.51: My head just exploded.
There was a brief bit earlier, when Dawn told us that she was getting really close to another of the women in the house, that she felt really close and really similar to them - that she felt like they were really clicking. And she was really pleased about that.
Now, over footage of a last-night party in the house, Dawn says that she feels ambivalent about the experiment, because although she's snogged a woman (and she could have gone further, really she could!) she hasn't formed any kind of emotional attachment to anyone; she hasn't felt like she could go out with any one.
Yes, you HAVE formed an emotional attachment. Surely. Friendship is an emotional attachment too - romantic love an extension, and a different kind of emotional attachment, sexual love different again. But it's just BALLS to say you've formed a bond with someone, but then deny any kind of 'emotional attachment', just because you mean... sorry, I told you my head exploded.
9.56: Later that night, Dawn (Porter) and her housemate (Katherine/Catherine) kiss after returning from a club. And then spend the night together.
"BUT WE HAD OUR PYJAMAS ON AND NOTHING HAPPENED" shouts Dawn, over the voiceover.
Yes, love. You're straight. We get that.
9.58: The programme finally finishes. Dawn goes back to her normal life.
She's had an interesting time, and she's developed feelings for a woman she never knew she could (really quickly, apparently) but at the end of the day, she's still really into men.
Dawn. You're straight, love. Move on.
So, and for once I'm dreading this, What have we learnt?
1. That Dawn (Porter) is straight. 2. That some beautiful, girly women can be lesbians. I know! Who'd have BELIEVED it? 3. Something about nails that I'm still not going to expand upon because I'm blushing. 4. That no one can be quite sure who this programme was trying to appeal to. What's the demographic here? Young, sexually adventurous women? Because I'd bet most of them would get somewhere a lot faster than Dawn did. Young men? Well, ok, but that's not what the brief said... Teenagers confused about their sexuality? Because godamercy on them if it was. I have NO idea. 5. There are ways of measuring sexual excitementness. Sadly I was looking at the keyboard when we discovered what those were. 6. There are interesting, searching documentaries to be made about female sexuality. 7. This mayn't have been one of them.
I'm lost for words. I'm sorry.
I want to be supportive of the overarching commissioning idea, here. I'm glad that BBC3 are trying to approach issues of female body image and sexuality in primetime programming and a light-hearted way. So perhaps if they could just try again, and, like, better, that would be great. Thanks.
[Meanwhile on BBC3 next week, as suggested by hermioneingold in the comments below, Dawn Goes Left-handed!]
That's it, I'm off. Thank you and good night. Next week, something else, and more popular. And better. I'm liveblogging the Oscars on Sunday on the Film Blog if anyone's going to be up? Oh alright then. Thank you all (!?) and goodnight.
