If hype came in a shot glass, Sky One would be slumped on the bar declaring undying love for random strangers by now. But just in case the endless ballyhoo has passed you by, the oiled-up musclefest that is Gladiators is BACK on Sky One tonight, after eight long years in the telly wilderness. And to mark this spandex renaissance, I'll be liveblogging the opening show from 6pm.
So for those of you who are party to the delights of Sky One, feel free to watch along with me and leave your thoughts, opinions and general musings in the comment box below. If you haven't - well, why not join in anyway, and I'll do my best to paint you a half-decent picture of all the excitement. And hey, if Gladiators really isn't your cup of tea I won't hold it against you, because I am nice like that.
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So, Gladiators: The Return. A comeback hasn't been this keenly anticipated since Gary Barlow wheeled his boys out of retirement and whipped the dust sheets off Lulu. Sky have hatched a shiny new batch of Gladiators, we've got new presenters in the shape of Ian Wright and Kirsty Gallagher, a big water tank for contestants to fall into, and see-through costumes. Actually I made the last bit up, I'm just considering the practicality of the water thing.
And why me, I hear you ask? Well firstly I've got Sky, which is really quite fundamental to the watch the show/provide live commentary plan. But also, and equally important I think, I was a HUGE fan of the 90s show, and am really quite excited about the whole business. COME ON!!!
Ahem.
And of course in the manner of all impartial research, I've got a focus group. Firstly, my Other Half, who would much rather be watching Scrapheap Challenge but I've bagsied the telly. Representing the yoof, we have 15-year-old son, who spent much of the late 90s recreating Gladiator games with kitchen implements, but is now clearly more interested in seeing female Gladiators do backflips in leotards. And finally we have 8-year-old daughter, who still watches all the old episodes on Challenge TV and is potentially more excited than I am.
So can Sky recreate the atmostphere of the original? Is new Gladiator Predator's claim that "It's less camp, more fierce" actually a good thing? And what WILL happen to those white costumes when they get wet?
I'll be back at 6 and then we'll find out, wa-hoo. In the meantime, check out the new Gladiators here.
6:00: Ooh, it's starting. 32 mortal contenders, 12 superhuman Gladiators. No cheesy music this time round, but an awful lot of flames and the most overlit studio known to man.
Ian Wright can't stand still long enough to read the autocue, but Kirsty's hair looks nice. Too much eyeliner, though. Ian is wearing a rather nasty pack-a-mac, and both appear to be sponsored by Adidas. Hmm.
We are introduced to the new Gladiators, who all have silly names, as is the way of things. They are all wearing practically nothing. There is a lot of posing, and it's all very camp. No-one smiles, because they are superhuman, and all their muscles are gainfully employed elsewhere.
Let's get this bicep-bulging show on the road, says Kirsty. Yes, let's.
6:05: First contestant is Janine, 30, from Wigan. She is in the RAF. Her dad died recently, and she is doing this for him. There are tears, and it's all gone a bit X Factor.
She is up against Panther in Duel, which is the one with the giant cotton buds, aka pugil sticks. They bash each other for a bit, then Janine gets biffed into the water. Ian says it was well fought, but that's his job.
Next up is Carly, who is from Glasgow, thus she is well hard, she says. Her dad was also in Gladiators first time round, and he is there watching. She lasts about 10 seconds before Panther dispatches her into the pool.
Is it just me, or are the contender's costumes rubbish compared to the Gladiators? It all has a very 70s PE kit feel to it.
Both female contenders scored nothing. I miss the crash mats, but I'm guessing it's a Health and Safety thing. Tsk.
6.15: Tom is a PE teacher from Shrewsbury, and his girlfriend is expecting a baby. He's got his blue PE kit on and is up against Spartan, who is so far winning my Uber-camp Outfit Award. Tom is knocked of the duel platform after two hits. Tom is Not Happy.
Kobi is a chemical engineer, originally from Nigeria. He's into martial arts, but manages a whole 4 seconds before Spartan boofs him off. Spartan is in unbelievable form, apparently, although from where I'm sitting the contenders are just rubbish. Says she, on her sofa.
No scores for either contender.
6:20: Ooh, it's Powerball, and my kids are both very excited.
What are you like grappling with girls?, Ian asks Carly. Carly refuses to rise to his smut.
There is lots of wrestling as the girls attempt to get the balls in the pods, and the Gladiators try to stop them. I am transfixed by Ice's boobs, which appear to have a life of their own.
Both girls get nine points.
It's the boys' turn at Powerball, they are up against Atlas, Oblivion and Destroyer. More wrestling, more pinging of lycra. The crowd go wild. Where's the Queen anthems? I miss them.
Oblivion gets a bit uppity, suggesting he might be the panto villian of the series. He's a poor man's Wolf, and it's all a bit embarrassing. He threatens to smash Tom right up. Whatever.
Tom gets 13 points, Kobi gets 6.
6:27 Next event: Hit and Run - contenders have to run back and forth across a bridge whilst gladiators try to knock them off with big swingy things. So 'Run and Don't Get Hit' then, which is in fairness less catchy. Janine is knocked off in 5 seconds. Didn't 20,000 people apply for this show?
My daughter has declared Ice her favourite Gladiator, who is the Barbie-esque peroxide blond with the giant boobs. Oh joy.
Hang on, forget Ice's boobs - I've just seen Inferno's. Blimmin' 'eck.
Carly fares better, going for a tactic of running like a madwoman. She finally gets knocked off and smacks her face on the bridge on the way down, but hey, she gets 10 points. It would seem that, in the Stephens household, excitement levels are proportional to injuries sustained.
Ad break - free Mills and Boon DVD with tomorrow's Daily Mail. Anyone? No?
6:35: It's the boys' turn at Hit and Run. Tom gets off to a good start, but Spartan knocks him off after 6 points. Kobi needs a big score, but he keeps stopping and John Anderson is yelling at him. Spartan knocks him off too, after 4 points. I hear a few bars of Bananarama in the background, but it's all a bit weak.
Next event: Pyramid. Contestants have to climb to the top of the pyramid, while the Gladiators try to throw them off. Up against the girls is Enigma and Panfer (says Ian).
Now this might be just me, but the female Gladiators appear to be entirely devoid of personality. Where's the Jet/Lightning backflips? Bit of smiling, perhaps? Clearly not on the cards this year.
I'm finding myself deeply disappointed by this. I've just seen muhniepie's comment, and it's not not just me, clearly. Thanks for popping in, by the way.
Neither girl makes it to the top, so no points. It's tougher than it looks, says Carly.
6.44: The boys don't make it to the top of the pyramid, either. The male Gladiators do a bit more posturing. Sigh.
6:51: And that's it's for the Gladiators' involvement - it's contestants against each other in the final eliminator now. I AM trying to muster the energy to care, really I am.
The crowd go wild, Ian shouts 'welcome back to Gladiatooooooors' very loudly and teenage son questions witheringly whether this will follow every ad break. This is a very good question.
It's the most gruelling obstacle course on the planet, says the voiceover man - what, even more gruelling than the Krypton Factor? I find that VERY hard to believe. Carly has a 5 second lead, because she has 5 more points than Janine. There is swimming and a cargo net and they already look knackered. Carly has lost her lead. Janine (who is in the RAF, btw, so probably does this kind of thing quite a lot), pulls ahead on the monkey bars and runs up the pyramid, and I have to say that this looks horrendous.
Janine wins, and says it was wicked, and she is knackered. Well done Janine - she is now in the quarter finals.
Over to the boys - Tom has a 4.5 second lead. The course is the same, other than the boys have to pedal a handbike rather than the monkey bars, which looks like the ninth circle of hell. Tom is ahead, but it's close. Tom wins, and also declares that he is knackered. It's not a good day for the English language, to be fair.
And that's it. Ultimate respect to the contenders, says Wrighty. Well said, my friend.
And the verdict from the Stephens household? A good show, says Other Half, but the Gladiators lack personality - the female Glads in particular looked like they'd rather be mopping floors in Morrisons. Oblivion as panto villian was butt-clenchingly awful. Kirsty and Wrighty get a solid thumbs up, a million miles better than Fash and Ulrika. Son thought it was 'alright', but he's 15 and hasn't muttered more than four enthusiastic words about anything since 2006. And 8-year-old daughter wants to be Ice when she grows up. Hmm.
As for me, I still think it's a great family TV format, but I'm disappointed that the theatre and the personality seems to have been battered out of it. Cobra, Jet, Saracen et al from the original series seemed to be having a right laugh, but this all seemed a bit like they're trying to make it a serious sporting contest, which of course it is, but also really isn't, let's face it. And where were the audience participation Queen anthems? Referee, sort it out.
But hey, it's the first episode, it might warm up. I hope so.
Anyway that's me done. What did you think?
